How to cope with feelings of inferiority and jealousy

[lickencivers]

That's it really. I've felt massively resentful of my partners ex wife and tuts spilled into me projecting that into my step children.

I've realised it's jealousy on my part and deep insecurity and feeling inadequate.

I'm sad that she doesn't work and gets to be a sahm even though her Dc are at full time school and I have to leave my children and very small baby and work nights meaning I'm exhausted and feel constantly in the back foot and playing catch up where she gets 5 hours a day to clean and sew badges into kids uniforms and do stuff.

She's always so well put together and gets time to bake. I feel guilty about the disparity between my children, my child with DP and his children with her. There's a massive difference in finance available, time etc

I'm jealous. It's not attractive. DP won't say no to her so I feel left. Since our baby has been born she's got worse and more demanding. For example she insists he goes to hers to drop things off etc and she hasn't gone longer than 48 hours without seeing him in the last few weeks. Meaning he isn't here. He runs around after his 2 children even though she doesn't work - he does clubs after school because she can't cope doing it as apparently their Dc behaviour is too naughty for her to take them on her own.

I think that if you're so jealous that you can't even go and celebrate his daughter's birthday at her home, you pretty much deserve to be left at home alone. I think that's immature and bratty behaviour. I hope to God that my husband would have picked up our baby and taken it to go and spend the evening with its sibling and left me to sort my silly little head out alone.

@Minionmomma didn’t you read the bit about the ex and domestic violence?
Op the reason you’re jealous is because he’s basically having an emotional affair with his wife. It’s an intolerable situation. Kick him out and see if he gets his act together. If not you’re better off without him.

I did see that part but I also saw the part where ex is still involved in his children’s lives and I would expect any parent to take financial responsibility for their children. Wouldn’t we all? And if ex is not contributing then perhaps OP could direct some of her anger towards him rather than her current partner’s ex... OP has been very one-sided in the drip feed of information in this thread, Creating a narrative that fits her agenda and demonising the ex. The car arrangement for example... I find it sad that women do this to one another. We are not getting the full picture and I think that OP is taking the victim role instead of taking responsibility.

That's what happens when you're consumed with jealousy and entitlement. She thinks that he's left that family so now her and her kids should get the best of him.

I think there would be fewer second families if men (especially) had to put everything into their first family before anything could be taken out for the 2nd. That would mean additional children from new relationships would not warrant a decrease in CM. You'd have to keep up what you were doing for your first family and take out of what is left to try and support a second.

The fact you have to work nights and don't get to see your baby or older kids is the worst part of this fucked up situation for me. I would tell him you're not prepared to do that anymore and he is going to have to rejig his/your finances to support you and all his kids appropriately, because you refuse to be the parent who sees their kids least out of the three of you anymore.

I still don’t understand why the finances are so bad. I suspect he has lots of money, the couple didn’t discuss arrangements before she went on mat leave and DP expects OP to pay her share and for her kids hence going back when baby is what - 4 months?

If I’m right, that in itself should tell you that this man is not fully committed to your family life. Why he decided to have a baby in this situation I don’t know but it’s done now and I suspect you’d be happier if you separated.

Jealousy is often a result of insecurity, and I agree with the above poster - he hasn’t emotionally separated from his wife.

If you’ve previously been in a DV relationship you may well have an altered sense of what a good relationship looks like? I think the Freedom programme helps with this.

As the OP's dp remains legally married, Minionmomma, if he were to die before a decree Absolute ends his marriage and in the absence of a Will to the contrary, his wife will inherit the first £250,000 of his assets plus all of his personal possessions and half of the remainder of his estate with the other half being equally divided between his children - if underage their share of the estate will be held in trust until they attain the age of 18.

Unless he leaves a Will making specific provision for the OP, she will get zilch, nowt, sweet f.a and, presupposing that she is named on the mortgage/deeds, will have to kiss goodbye to half of the equity in her home.

Court awards won't come into it, and I very much doubt that his wife will have any compunction about making the OP homeless if she's unable to remortgage and pay half of the value of the equity into his estate.

Why do so many women allow themselves to become financially disadvantaged by 'love'?

Agreed. But instead of directing anger resentment and jealousy towards the ex partner of her new partner OP should focus on getting her own house in order. And like I keep on mentioning her own ex seems to be overlooked in this situ. He needs to be contributing financially towards his children...

OP does your ex contribute financially?

YANBU OP
Cm is there for a reason. To ensure fair contribution for the well being of the children. Now they are no longer married, if ex wife can no longer afford those activities, then she either should work, or set out a fair plan. Your dp as he has a child with you should have his cm amount reduced.
You come across really well OP. You’re not being spiteful, you’re feeling a huge imbalance. The difference between you and ex wife, is that your dp is able to bypass you as you’re not controlling yet he can’t her as she is.
My goodness, I’m no longer with my dh and raising our 2 children by myself. He pays his cm, regularly sees our children when convenient for us both. I’ve never demanded anything extra. Yes as a result of his previous behaviours, I’m now on benefits, whereas he’s working ft with plenty of free time to himself, but I’m certainly not about to take the piss and have him run around after my demands and dig deep to give the children an A list lifestyle. If I needed this much involvement from my dh, I’d still be with him.
Children don’t need all this extravagance. What they need are role models. Snapping fingers and throwing money around is not good parenting, particularly when it’s clearly having a negative impact on other members of the family ie you and your baby.

Personally, I would talk to him and explain what you’ve said on here, calmly. Explain you don’t want to feel like this anymore and that it’s causing disharmony. This isn’t about money to you. This is about being dismissed by the man who’s supposed to be in a relationship with you, for the benefit of his ex wife. It’s not even about his children. It should be, but it’s not.

I’d walk away OP because you can’t go on like this. You come across as completely deflated. Not angry, not nasty, just completely sad and hurt.

The question of the OP's abusive ex and maintenance would seem to be a moot point, Minionmomma. Perhaps the OP will enlighten us in due course?

You've said that your dp has contacted his wife to 'sort out the divorce', licken. What is the current status of their divorce?

Has the Nisi been decreed or did his wife abandon the proceedings before it was granted?

Why is it a moot point? OP complains that her children miss out on things. Where is their fathers financial contribution? He would be paying CM too.

It's moot because the OP has hitherto has remained mute on this particular point, Minion.

So we get a very one sided picture and then give an opinion based on OP’s narrative... okkkk

Yes my ex pay CM.

It's very little - he doesn't provide any thing else for them, so shoes uniform school meals packed lunches etc all fall to me. He literally pays the bare minimum.

Why on earth did you have another child? Both you and your partner already had children, you could have enjoyed yourselves without bringing a baby into it.

OP is this what you're envisioning life to be like for your future? This isn't going to go away. He's not going to change things and risk alienating his children or ex wife who I'm sure would make life really difficult if he tried to push back. .
I had an ex who couldn't say no to the ex, whatever the demands as it was guilt that he'd ended the relationship, couldn't live with his kids etc. ( and no I wasn't the OW!). It was impossible. It left no room for anyone else at all.
People can say you should put these jealous feelings aside, but how can you? I think you deserve much better and would advise you to seek it elsewhere

You don’t have to stay with him. I can see why you’d feel resentful in this situation.

Well he's terminally passive and still practically, emotionally and legally entangled with his ex. But presumably you knew that before you decided to buy a house and have a baby with him.

@DonKeyshot
"You've said that your dp has contacted his wife to 'sort out the divorce', licken. What is the current status of their divorce?

Has the Nisi been decreed or did his wife abandon the proceedings before it was granted?"

The OP has said:
"They are still married as she is divorcing him and she didn't apply for the DA so he did - and it was heard before a judge and she turned round on their agreement and now wants her "share" of pensions. This was while I was pregnant and has been going on years"

Presumably this was recent as it was going on while OP was pregnant and she describes in her opening post that she has a "very small baby".

Does this mean that the Decree Absolute can't be granted because the ex backtracked on their financial agreement and finances have to be sorted prior to the DA being granted?

Does this mean the OP's partner can now tell the judge he has another child with his current partner he has to provide for and ask for his Child Maintenance payments to be reduced? Ditto for the 70:30 split in the house and for the arrangement regarding the leased car?

Surely nothing is definite about finances until all the finances are sorted out?

The nici has indeed been agreed yes. But she failed to apply for the DA and so he did. The judge wanted to know why she hasn't done so herself - and she sites the reasons, she wants to re-examine their finances.

Interesting that you are avoiding questions relating to the financial set up at your home OP.

He doesn’t share cash with you does he? And you are blaming the ex wife while actually it’s him who has made you return to work early because he refused to help.

I would be jealous and bitter to if I were you. I wouldn’t have made a life with him until he was fully separated from his wife, preferably divorced.

If I were you I’d leave. People can only treat you the way you let them.

Also, as he is still married to her is your home a marital asset?

We have a joint account we both pay into. Him more than me.