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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

821 replies

rhubarb39 · 05/10/2019 19:55

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 06/10/2019 13:55

I really feel for you ,and hate that someone can do this to someone else. Think of it as a lucky escape ,and you have the rest of your life to meet someone new. At the moment you are in shock .Can you take yourself out to Art Galleries ,Coffee a little Shopping maybe ?.Hold your head high ,he is a piece of shit and doesnt deserve your tears !

CampingItUp · 06/10/2019 14:04

Are there day trips / excursions you could go on?

In your shoes I would see if I could book into a guest house or other accommodation.

swingofthings · 06/10/2019 14:10

Rhubarb, I suspect in his mind it's been over for some time. He fell out of love but hoped that he could make the feelings return. At the same time he could tell that your feelings for him were growing and waited to move to the next stage. That's how he felt pressured.

He hoped the holiday would help bringing his feelings back but it didn't and he had this all mighty weight ready to come out. When you brought up the physical closeness, it all came out.

It is so so sad, but sadly it happens that one partner feels much stronger than the other. It's utterly heartbreaking and it happening when you thought you were going to enjoy a lovely holiday together is such a betrayal but you can't turn things back and pretend that it hasn't happened.

He clearly does care for you but what good is that to you. Take care of yourself and try to let this ruin your self esteem. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve someone who loves you as you love them.

Ihatesundays · 06/10/2019 14:13

Please leave and stop giving him an audience.
Stop texting him.
Not seeing him will make you think clearer.

Find somewhere to relax and eat nice food and sit in the sun - away from him.

strawberry2017 · 06/10/2019 14:16

I feel like if he genuinely thought the holiday would help and then realised it wouldn't then he should have waited till you were home to end it. He's a prick
Stay strong, Keep your head up x

Packit · 06/10/2019 14:29

Wow some men just don’t have any imagination of what will happen after they drop the bombshell ...on holiday. I’ve know two women who’s husbands dropped the separation news on them whilst on holiday. The journey home is going to be just awful.

Just hold your head high, ask him if he wants a drink, get it for him and throw it in his face !

Hope you can hold out until you get home x

Fran1970 · 06/10/2019 14:31

Bless you - How are you today? A very similar thing happened to a colleague and she took full advantage of the holiday and returned home to sort things out in a dignified manner but essentially told him to f**k off - try to keep a really level head and resist losing it - this man is clearly a selfish tool - I suspect (and I am almost 50 - been there, done it and got the t-shirt with the full variety of twats) that he either has someone else or has his sights on someone else hence this shitty behaviour - does he have any mh problems maybe?

From now on Rhubarb you look after yourself and your children - f**k him - you be the very very best you can - you sound like a lovely sensitive woman - sadly IMHO it’s always the best women that get treated the worst by men.

Try to get your head down and make thr most of being abroad and being on holiday - don’t attempt to discuss anything serious until you are back in the UK - stay strong - you will eventually be better off I strongly suspect xx

WheelDecide · 06/10/2019 14:33

OP, that's two nasty men you've had now. Get some therapy when you get home.

It's interesting this has been done before and he knows it hurt you. Also interesting he knew you were desperate for a break.

So what's going on here? Does he have so little control of his emotions he couldn't stop himself finishing with you (in which case it could happen again), or was he trying to hurt you?

BatshitBertha · 06/10/2019 14:36

It's easy to 'hide behind' the everyday routine and daily grind when you have fallen out of love with someone, we often tell ourselves 'we're tired' 'we're working too hard' 'We need a holiday' etc.

But when we finally go on that holiday, hoping we will feel close again, that we'll feel relaxed and in love and the spark will return etc. It hits us like a ton of bricks that the relationship is, in fact, over.

I think this is what happened here, you're happy and affectionate, legs wrapped around him in the pool, enjoying spending time together and expecting intimacy, and he finally has to face the truth that he doesn't feel the same.

He's acted on it immediately, and blurted out what he's been 'mulling over' for a while, instead of waiting till the holiday is over. He thinks he's done the right thing and he's relieved, he has actually been cowardly and very insensitive about it.

If you continue to stay on holiday (9 days did you say!?) this will be a long and drawn out painful break up, things are going to get said and it's going to be very messy. Why don't you take the suitcase and your dignity and find yourself alternative accommodation, tell him you'll meet him back at the airport for the flight home.

PickedByYou · 06/10/2019 14:46

I feel like if he genuinely thought the holiday would help and then realised it wouldn't then he should have waited till you were home to end it

I don't see how it would be possible or moral to know you want to break up with someone and not tell them while you finish a holiday. Obviously the OPs ex should have said before the holiday that he was having doubts but if it was a genuine sudden realisation once on holiday how could he not say something? If he didn't he would have to lie and say things he really didn't believe. He would have to be really deceitful. What if the OP had wanted sex?

MadamPompadoo · 06/10/2019 15:45

If you have any chance at all to leave, you should do that.

Not sure if you are on a package or if you can get another flight home, but in either case, try to stay elsewhere OR insist he does (he ought to be the one to scarper.)

By removing yourself you will retain some dignity otherwise it looks as if you are hanging around desperate to try again.

Stop trying to figure out 'why'.
You will never really know.

This happened to my brother years ago but the woman managed to at least wait until they'd touched down on the flight home, but she was very cool all through the hols.

Sometimes hols just make people face up to what they have been mulling over.

It's a shitty thing to do and you will feel awful but if you can separate from him for the next week you will feel far better.

dramalessllama · 06/10/2019 15:53

I think you said in a pp that you're sharing a suitcase. Please don't let that be one of the reasons you're not leaving. Buy a suitcase, backpack, carry on today on your outing, pack your stuff and get out of there. Just by not leaving is feeding his ego. He's no doubt interpreting it as a sign that you want to work things out.

He's totally in control of your emotions right now and is pulling your strings like a marionette. He doesn't give a flip about your feelings and doesn't have any respect for you. It's time for you to be the one making decisions for YOU with no regard to him or his feelings. Please stop being the reactor to his decisions and be proactive in taking charge of your future/plans/feelings. You're the only one looking out for you and your emotions right now so be kind to yourself and protect them.

DonKeyshot · 06/10/2019 16:26

If you're not going to move out of the apartment you're sharing with him, ask him to do the decent thing and leave with his belongings in a carrier bag until you link up shortly before your return so that you can, once again, share the suitcase for the journey home,

Please don't hang around the apartment on your own this evening, There's bound to be pleasant bars in the immediate vicinity where you can sit outside, or in, and enjoy an alcoholic or soft drink and/or a coffee.

Make the most of your holiday and deal with your feelings on your return.

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 16:39

Gosh I'm so sorry. I knew someone else that this happened too. She'd been living with a guy for a few years - quite amicably - they both had children and they shared the children with their ex spouses. They also had pets and a house. She also worked in his business. It seemed to be working well.

Then whilst away on holiday with some of their children he told her it was over. What a blow! He has since married someone else. I'm only telling you this so you know you're not alone, some people are just arseholes.

I'm glad you are able to keep your distance up to a point on holiday. Please do try and enjoy the holiday despite his behaviour.

When you get home sort everything out, finances, housing, etc.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if you have children. I'll read it now.

In the meantime Wine.

I am livid on your behalf.

LuluBellaBlue · 06/10/2019 16:47

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say I hope you somehow manage to get some enjoyment / pleasure over the next few days in the sun.
Thinking of you Flowers

Summergarden · 06/10/2019 16:58

Oh OP I’m so sorry. Sounds like a real shock for you.

Not that it will make you feel any better, but something similar happened to me with the boyfriend I’d had for 2 years at uni. I was due to move back home with my parents while he lived with his in my uni city. We went on a planned holiday right at the end of my course, just before I was due to move home. We actually had a great time- lots of fun, going out, amazing sex.... then when we got back from the airport he revealed that for a while now he had known he would break up with me when I moved back home and no hard feelings, but it was over!

It was so bloody hard, I was madly in love with him. I met someone else soon after though and have been married to that one for 11 years, together for 16 years so I hope you meet someone decent soon. It’s hard now but one day this will just be a distant memory.

MollyButton · 06/10/2019 17:05

You need space and time to process this properly. That means coming home early - you can sort out the suitcase issue or take it and leave him to sort it.
Or move to another room/apartment and get on with having a holiday without him.

But texting and sharing the room are not doing you any favours.

Worse holiday breakup I heard was: couple A were on holiday with couple B, as they had several times before. Half way through it became clear that husband A was having an affair with wife B.

WheelDecide · 06/10/2019 17:10

I couple of times you've implied you're worried about him/worried about HIM worrying about you. Don't be, out yourself first!

Sod the suitcase. Buy one/get some carrier bags or let him take your stuff home and drive around to your house with all your belongings and car keys. You've told this man you have a glitch in your armour and he's the type of abusive tw*t to take advantage of that.

Redshoesandtheblues · 06/10/2019 17:12

This is painful just to read about, so my heart goes out to you having to experience it.

I'm afraid I agree with the pp who say you need distance yourself from him right now, whether that is a hotel room or early flight home.

This is not the holiday you were looking forward to and the mental anguish it is creating suggests it really not worth sticking it out just for some sun. False economy.

You have a demanding job by sounds of it, so personally, Id find being at home and licking my wounds in private, before having to go
back to work, far more appealing (and constructive) than the current situation.

The current situation is just a head fuck. And it won't get better.

He's the man you thought he was, keep hold of that thought. You deserve better.

Redshoesandtheblues · 06/10/2019 17:14

NOT!

RiverRock01 · 06/10/2019 17:33

You poor thing, I really feel for you. Definitely take peoples advice and put a bit of space between you. You wont regret it plus it'll be interesting to see how he reacts to that?

Dontsayyouloveme · 06/10/2019 17:54

Just from the lengths of your posts (not a criticism whatsoever Flowers) it’s clear that you need to talk all these thoughts, (that we all have when someone springs this heartbreak upon us 💔 😭) through with someone close to you. Please don’t take this the wrong way and think that we aren’t listening to you and do continue to seek support on here, but you can’t beat a friend or parent or sibling, sitting down listening to you and holding you whilst you talk it all through.

Im a truly saddened imagining you out there on your own, in shock and totally heartbroken, going through the motions of having a ‘holiday’ and trying to hold this all in to yourself 😞😞.

Sending you a massive hug 🤗🤗🤗🤗 x x

SproutsRock · 06/10/2019 20:38

Sorry but I do not believe for one minute he broke up over your ex. He broke up because he is unhappy, which he has a right to do. If he ended things before the holiday he still would of been called all sorts. Now I am sorry it hurts, but all these posters name calling over something that he feels clearly uncomfortable doing is not on. Never mind the suitcase, your choosing to stay hoping for a glimmer of hope, I know because this happened to me just after losing our baby, only his sister was the one who told me because he did not want to face me. And yes I stayed hoping he would change his mind, and he did, but the cycle continued and I knew I was never good enough. Please do not him make you feel this way OP. I am sorry for being direct, I just want to fly over and give you a cuddle because it does hurt. You deserve someone who is fully committed. Your ex is not a bad man but knows in his heart this is not what he wants anymore. Move on with your head held high and know your walking the path your destined and your pot of gold is waiting.

1onelyranger · 06/10/2019 20:51

I just want to say that I completely understand why you are still there, why you are still communicating with him and why you’re still trying to figure it all out. Move at your own pace and keep talking.

rhubarb39 · 06/10/2019 21:16

Thanks again for the replies. Sorry it's been a while. What I'm about to put most of you won't like, I think I've only seen 1 reply that says I should speak to him.. Right or wrong that's what I chose to do earlier. I couldn't just walk away being left clueless and if I still never knew then least I tried and I kmow that would help me a lot.
Anyway I went back to the apt and we talked, he said he wanted to speak but knowing previous relationship probs darent harass me..
So in a nutshell.. A lot of his time with me he feels has been stressful..yet he contradicts and tells me only of recent has he felt this way.. But has no back up to what triggered.
We talked for hours.. I cried A LOT.. He HATES stress and upsetting me so struggled hugely with that but I literally couldn't hold the tears back as felt I've lived a total false life for the last however long.
HE tells me HE thinks I think blah blah.. Its absolutely nuts and he reads me SO wrong.
I won't go into literals but he's been winding himself up to God knows what thinking IM miserable??? I literally couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth.. Yet you can't change a person's thoughts and that's very very sad.
Anyway I became so tired he could see and saod to go to bed.. I was shocked when he got on next to me and held my hand.. I got straight up and am in the lounge..he comes in 'whats the matter'
... 😩😢

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