Page 8 | So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

rhubarb39 · 2019-10-05T18:55:43+00:00

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

MarianaMoatedGrange · 06/10/2019 11:58

See? You're not happy staying on 'holiday' OP. It's not going to get better.

QualCheckBot · 06/10/2019 12:02

Definitely get on the internet and find an Air B&B or cheap hotel room and move out. Sit separately on the plane back. You will feel so much better almost instantly. Otherwise its just going to round and round in your head. Use the rest of the holiday to get a bit of headspace. When he realises you aren't going to be chasing after him and on call and then comes back wanting to reconcile, you will be in a much stronger position to tell him to do one.

sarahjconnor · 06/10/2019 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewStart571 · 06/10/2019 12:27

@Aminuts23 I remember your thread. I hope you’re doing well now. Your ex was awful the way he treated you.

@rhubarb39 just take it a day at a time.

skunkatanka · 06/10/2019 12:28

OP, I think if you're honest with yourself you are hanging around in the hope that he'll change his mind. Don't give him all the control. Pack the suitcase (leave his clothes on the bed- he'll have to find another) and go. Either home or somewhere else. Start picking up your life and moving on.

Original poster

rhubarb39 · 06/10/2019 12:35

I think the most frustrating part in all this is the silence.. Its like he's said his peace and it's now done?? Like he's confused I'm upset as its a relief?.. Maybe for him. No I'm not staying incase he changes his mind, I learnt from my last relationship that trying to change something/one isn't something you should do. I guess because I can be on my own here to an extent I may as well be in the sun as opposed to at home alone.. I know that's not ideal. I'll see how he is when I get back later but suspect I'll get silence which is so upsetting making me feel like I'm the one in the wrong

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/10/2019 12:37

Ah @rhubarb39 . When I met my now fiancé, I had a stalker ex too. He hit me; and the stalking was so bad that he would wait for me at work, in the supermarket, anywhere I might be. He quizzed people on when they'd saw me and what I was wearing. I had to be escorted to work by police some days; change my hours... it was hell. DP had to know about all of it because, for a start, I was a nervous wreck, and the restraining order didn't feel much comfort. And then because when ex found out about DP, he started threatening him too.

DP was lovely and years on, ex doesn't contact me as much, it doesn't bother me and I'm engaged. It didn't feel like that would ever happen for me... I thought I'd definitely lose DP, because who wants to get involved in all that mess?!

But I will also say that when ex and I split, it was just after we'd been on holiday. I went with the best intentions, to spend some time together, but everything we did felt so wrong. The meals were hard to smile through, the hugs, everything. I had a crashing realisation that I didn't feel the same... and I waited until we got home, and I tried really hard not to hurt him, but I'm sure it did. I'm sure from his point of view, he felt hurt and blindsided and didn't understand why all those lovely moments we'd had together on holiday weren't the same for me... (although he was abusive in a few different ways and I was stupid to stay as long as I did).

I'd find a way to not be with him. Not spending all your time apart from him, guessing his every move, because that's no holiday. Is a hotel an option, if a flight home isn't what you want? You won't have the holiday you deserved now. Your friends will probably do you a lot more good than the sun will, and distance and time definitely will.

Aminuts23 · 06/10/2019 12:43

@NewStart571 2 years ago that was now! Been very happily single since. Thank you for asking

Adogwithabone · 06/10/2019 12:48

OP, have a bit of self respect. If you leave now, you leave with your dignity. In staying, you're only hanging around like a bad smell.

Go home with your head held high.

Don't stay and wait around to see of he changes his mind. - which I know isn't your plan but that's what it will look like to everyone.

NewStart571 · 06/10/2019 12:50

@Aminuts23 glad to hear it! What a dickhead he was!

Aminuts23 · 06/10/2019 12:53

@NewStart571 haha, he probably still is!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 06/10/2019 12:54

Your friends will probably do you a lot more good than the sun will and distance and time definitely will

Absolutely! watching for his moods, enduring his silences and wondering what he's doing will only delay the healing. I do feel you're clinging on to the apartment in hopes he'll suddenly change his mind.

labazsisgoingmad · 06/10/2019 13:18

i think it is disgusting and a cowards way taking you on holiday and dropping a bombshell like that. he should have told things were not right for him but he was considering the holiday could be make or break so you would have been able to judge whether to continue going on the holiday or not. personally i would not speak to the horrible man

Original poster

rhubarb39 · 06/10/2019 13:22

Anchor it's an awful situation to go through isn't it? I don't think anyone who hasn't had it happen can quite sympathise, however I am able to move on from it and hoped we could move forward together. It hasn't been brought to my arte ruin till recently that he's found it hard, but still not tto the point I was worrying anything would come of it.. I told him I understood and felt at a loss at times to know what to do for the best but did want to get past it.. Sigh.
I'm not staying because I hope he will change his mind, I just feel at the mo I'll get on with it.. Yet tell me the same tonight when he will probably go out and ill go into meltdown.
I replied (I know) saying how he felt breaking up with me wouldn't upset me??! His reply of he didn't plan it, he didn't mean to.. He cares about me.. Cares about me?? Sorry but until yesterday I thought he was in love with me😢

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73Sunglasslover · 06/10/2019 13:27

OP you are still letting him play games with you. You need to take a deep breath and try and see what is really going on here. He has behaved badly. He is continuing to behave badly. It doesn't matter what's going on in his head and it is not your job to look after him. I've been where you are with a manipulative ex. When you get properly out of this you will look back and see how he'd got into your head. You need to listen to us here as right now you can't think straight. There is consensus that you need to get away from him this week. You can choose whether it's to go home early or to go to a different place (some large distance away - do NOT risk bumping into him), or if he will do it TODAY, then he should go somewhere else or home. The suitcase thing is a massive excuse and I think you know that. He should buy another one but if his game playing leads to him refusing to do so then it is better to just stump up for that rather than letting him toy with you like this. You clearly are hoping he will say he's so sorry for breaking up with you and he's decided there can be no other woman for him ever. But if he does say this why would you believe or trust him. You need to be honest with yourself about what you are hoping for and then move on from that. Call your friend at home. If she agrees with the plan, please act on it. You are instrumental in your own continuing torture if you stay there and you do deserve much better.

73Sunglasslover · 06/10/2019 13:30

Stop texting him. Your relation is over and he has made it impossible for you to stay friends. You are dragging things out by responding. I don't believe you when you say you're not staying hoping he'll change his mind. Again, I've been there and it was only later that I could admit that this was the case. Be honest with yourself.

Jezebel2104 · 06/10/2019 13:32

Wow just read the whole thread and can't believe you're still there

Original poster

rhubarb39 · 06/10/2019 13:36

Yes agreed he could have spoken to me before we left and I did say this to him. His answer was he hoped it would help being on holiday.. I'm still lost.. Help what exactly. I genuinely am lost on what he finds so stressful and because he won't speak its impossible to know.
Queue as I said very little physical contact in any way started worrying me.. I calmly asked if everything was OK and he said fine. Arm round me at night etc but still something not 100% the when I got upset and said I didn't know why I was being treated like this he said he'd felt pressured.. What to kiss and be intimate with his own gf.. Wow.

OP posts:

Sallycinnamum · 06/10/2019 13:37

OP honestly get a flight home where you'll be surrounded by familiar home comforts and your friends.

Staying out there seems like torture to me and you'll be taking some control back.

73Sunglasslover · 06/10/2019 13:39

Yes agreed he could have spoken to me before we left and I did say this to him. His answer was he hoped it would help being on holiday.. I'm still lost.. Help what exactly. I genuinely am lost on what he finds so stressful and because he won't speak its impossible to know.
Queue as I said very little physical contact in any way started worrying me.. I calmly asked if everything was OK and he said fine. Arm round me at night etc but still something not 100% the when I got upset and said I didn't know why I was being treated like this he said he'd felt pressured.. What to kiss and be intimate with his own gf.. Wow

Rhubarb, none of this matters now. Stop investing in trying to make sense of him. Start investing in your own wellbeing.

LovePoppy · 06/10/2019 13:39

op, You were going to spend the rest of this week finding yourself up and watching him for every sign. Please separate for the rest of the week, for your own health

LovePoppy · 06/10/2019 13:40

**are
**winding

BelleSausage · 06/10/2019 13:43

Be dignified. He has said his piece. You’re not going to be able to badger more out of him then that. He is only uncomfortable because he doesn’t want to deal with your emotions. He’s obviously not good at dealing with his own.

You deserve better. That is the mind set to take, as hard as that is.

Try to replace your love for him with self love. I am a vindictive cow so i’d Find it pretty satisfying to not give him the time of day ever again. Much more effective than ranting and raving.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 06/10/2019 13:45

Another thing is he's used to regular sex and will feel sexual sometime this week, and may instigate sex with you - just because you're handy. Please go, and ffs stop responding to his texts. PPs are right - he's playing games and you're beginning to look a little doormatty and desperate, which will of course delight him.

HappyHammy · 06/10/2019 13:53

It must be confusing and hurtful but why are you even bothering with him. He has said the relationship is over. Dont play his silly games. What's the point of being on holiday with someone who plays mind games. It's big girl time. Go home to your friends or suggest he goes and leaves you in peace to enjoy the sun.