So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

Twist he very cleverly left some of his stuff in Rhubarb's suitcase. Stuff she knows he probably wants. He knew she'd be in touch using this as a reason for contact imo.

I agree.. It may not look like it by how I'm posting but I STILL need to listen to him and that's that.
I don't think he realises/cares I have his stuff tbh, he would have asked for it back otherwise.
I know he's not making the effort

Oh @rhubarb39

This is very sad to read, I can see your desperation to have this work, I can see you love him and want to forget this happened. Listening to him wont help. At best he will use it to wank over his feelings for an hour using you as his counsellor.

Why a phone call? Why so impersonal? He could have replied to your text saying "yes we can meet at x at x" if he has been waiting for contact.

He's only granted you this phone call because you rang him... Did he say when he would ring ?

My ex used to do this. He would always break up with me because he was sad or confused... He would then tell me he'd call me the next day ... Usually it was three or four days after that.

When they leave you, even if they come back, the relationship is over.

My ex left me 4 times. Most recently just before my birthday.

I've gone no contact. He seems very keen on talking now. It is all about power with these men.

Cut him off, get your self worth and move on. You can do it, it does get easier. Allow yourself to grieve but realise that your ex has massively massively shown you he is a piss poor communicator, stonewaller and emotionally unstable.

Oh and about his stuff... I've got hundreds of pounds worth of stuff at my ex's. I'm considering it gone because I can't bear contact with him again.

I don't agree he left them on purpose

@rhubarb39 I understand how you need a discussion and closure and I was in a similar position earlier this year. It is very easy when you are in this position to skew your view of what has happened. For your sake, write a brutally honest account of your relationship to yourself. All the bad bits, or the things you had to compromise.

Oh @rhubarb39, I do feel so much for you.

Okay, so now you are waiting for him to ring you. Use this time to make a few notes of things you are going to say. Just writing down some objectives can help you to stay 'on track', rather than just wailing down the phone like an abandoned banshee when you hear his voice (if he even calls back and isn't just using this as a ruse to keep you at arm's length for a bit longer).

Things like what happens to our stuff, about any future plans you'd made that need to be cancelled, etc etc. If you keep it factual then you are less likely to break down.

Don't let him go into a long speil about how much you meant, how he's hurting etc etc, that's not why you're phoning.

Be factual. be strict. You'll thank yourself when you look back, for not losing dignity.

Oh dear now I feel I'm gossiping but on the Breakup thread Rhubarb said she would accept whatever little time he would give her, as long as she could have him in her life still. This may of course have been said while still in shock mode.

Mariana - that is exactly what I said to my adored ex, who also broke up with me whilst we were away. I would have done anything to keep him in my life at that stage. It was a few weeks later, when the shock had worn off and he wanted me to help him to start dating (needed help writing an OLD profile) that I thought 'what the fuck am I DOING??' and saw the light.

Sometimes it just takes time.

I agree Zaphod Some can walk away with dignity in heartbreak, but some will scrabble for crumbs - in shock - for quite some time. I was of the latter mind, like you. Wising up brought peace and my anxiety disappeared.

If he doesn't call that's it..ill be blocking. I'm willing to LISTEN I'm now not willing to be trodden all over and yes you are all right this won't work because he doesn't want it to..im hurting at that but not stupid.
Yes I said I'd want him to be in my life and still go by the fact I need to change some thibgs but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. The long and short is he hasn't seen it like I have and I'd be fighting a losing battle

You say you're willing to listen.
But he has already told you, then not messaged you, then not answered your text, then ignored your call. What is it that you think he's going to be able to say?

I know you feel like you still want him in your life but that will hold you back and you won’t be able to move on. I know it’s painful but you’ll do much better and recover more quickly by having no contact with him. I really truly know how hard that must seem but I speak from experience

He's not like lots of us with his phone stuck to him. It's not unusual for him not to answer his phone or reply to messages, obviously due to the circumstances I'm upset he's not making an effort and I can see that.
Speaking later won't change anything but I'll be able to say my piece and move on.. Won't help matters.. It will help me

Mariana I'm not scrabbling for crumbs, not enough was discussed on holiday and I feel I need to say my piece.

@rhubarb39

You think that saying your piece will help you move on, but in my experience that is rarely the case.

My ex-DP before the routine of break-up/make-up was amazing, caring and I genuinely loved him. The first time we split he begrudgingly agreed we could meet in person and talk because in my mind I needed to "say my piece".

I got to his car, got in and he didn't look at me, once. He didn't even speak apart from saying "you wanted to talk?". I said my piece, I wasn't overly emotional, I told him I wanted to listen, wanted to help him ... and he said "it doesn't matter what you think" and dropped me at the train station.

2 weeks earlier from that he has asked me to marry him and he had asked me to move in.

Something switched in his mind - men always do this when they're breaking up - nothing you say will penetrate the wall of silence he has made. And you will get more and more upset as you are confronted by yet more silence. And he was be annoyed at having to be confronted by your emotions. Sorry, I know that's tough to hear.

I wish someone had told me this before I got back with ex-DP, because it led to 3 more heartbreaks for me to maintain contact with him and need closure.

The closure you need is that he is an inconsiderate, immature and self-centred man who cannot for whatever reason deal with his partner's emotional reactions to his declarations about the relationship.

You did have a good relationship, but that ended when he decided to stonewall you on holiday.

I would not call him tonight. This is to make HIM feel better. Like it made my ex-DP feel better to send me an obligatory "happy birthday" message 4 days after he dumped me for no reason/explanation.

Start putting yourself first.

He'll be back, but I guarantee you won't want him.

You can "listen" to him. His behaviour on holiday and since speaks volumes. Regardless of what he says ( and how cruel and controlling to have you on hold like this today) what he does is who he is.

A manipulative and controlling man.

I'll update later.. You're all right I know

I agree of course you want closure. On one of your posts a few days ago you said you were stupid and you wished you had part of the relationship still and would settle for less. It sounds like you’ve changed from that view now, but having a great relationship 95% of the time if he reacts like this and let’s you think he wants to end it on holiday then this isn’t the relationship for you and there will be someone there for you

Hugged it wasn't about settling for less it was about compromising that I'd be willing to change some things I thought I wanted.. Thats genuinely true and I'd never settle for less just for the sake of it.

What do you want to hear that he's hasn't already said? It's over.

Can’t you just post him his stuff. He doesn’t feel the need to speak to you, fair enough. I’ve never understood why people feel the need to talk it over. What’s done is done.

I think I asked earlier but does your DD like him?

@rhubarb39 what are the things you wanted before that you’re now willing to compromise on?

Thinking you want something and wanting it are pretty much the same. Compromise is not capitulation. That's what you'll do and it wiil be the beginning not the end of his control ramping up.

Controlling/coercive behaviour usually kicks in around two years in by the way. On average. So a bit sooner or later is not unlikely. I suspect if you have time away from him you will realise there have been previous indicators.

@rhubarb39

I'm going to listen to him that's all.
I'm not stupid, I know this is awful nd won't end well.

Please don’t put yourself through this.

Stop living for the drama.

You had a facade of a good relationship, but it wasn’t a good relationship