So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

If I'd have kept quiet we would have had a good rest of the holiday and I wouldn't be here now.

You would have been eventually.

You are trying to rewrite history to make it fixable. I understand, I really do. I've been there, bargaining with myself that 'when he texts, calls, comes round I'll tell him all the things I know I've been doing wrong and he'll know it's fixable'.

D'you know what? He never got in touch again. Because he could see that it was broken beyond repair. And he knew it was his doing, that I loved him desperately and if he saw me again or got in touch again he'd get sucked back in to a relationship that wasn't good for him.

By all means take responsibility for your part, but I agree with PPs that you are redrawing things in your head and trying to excuse his behaviour. Okay, he's staying away so as not to make you feel 'stalked'. But one letter, one card through the post saying 'can we talk'..one email...would be sensible, wouldn't it? He'd know you well enough, and know that you know him well enough that you would't see that as stalky behaviour, wouldn't he?

He's not in touch because it's over. You may resurrect something if you push hard enough, but it's broken now. It will always be like that precious vase, it looks whole, but you know the cracks are there, seeping glue...

@Zaphodsotherhead

hits the nail on the head.

I've been there too. The memories came flooding back reading your updates and the minimising and rewriting history to make it all your fault. It's what we want do when we love someone, to make things right, to get back to the natural order of things that we should be together. Mine said "love isn't enough" and he was right.

OP, that's two completely different versions of events that you have told us. Not just drip feeding but two completely different ones. It is impossible to give the advice without knowing which one is the truth.

We don't live together.. One of the issues I origionally listed and appears its one of his reasons for doing this as he can't give me what I want.

Rhubarb, please read back over the first few pages of this thread. You were shell shocked and stunned. He also told you that he doesn't see the relationship progressing towards living together. All the blame you try to place on yourself (including ignoring your own wants and needs) doesn't change that

I didn't add that mine had already done it to me once before. Told me it was over, he didn't love me enough, etc etc.

I was distraught, he took it back, said he hadn't meant it the way it came over and we talked and talked and talked and everything came out (so I thought) and we were going forward with all this brand new 'communication' going on...

and bugger me, he did it again, six months later. No coming back from that. And it was worse the second time around, because I'd relaxed and thought that, if any more issues arose we'd had a wake up call and knew how to deal with them. Turned out he hadn't wanted to deal with any of it and had just been too much of a coward to walk away the first time.

Don't be me, OP. Really.

So. You tell him about the previous stalking and the restraining order. You make yourself vulnerable. You go on holiday and he withdraws affection. You challenge him. He dumps you. You don't immediately come into line. He has a "breakdown" in which your trauma becomes too much for him. The rest of the holiday is all about you thinking about/ worrying about/trying to understand him. In the main he gives you the silent treatment with the odd crumb.

You get back. You go home. You hear nothing. You again centre him and his needs/wants. Less than a week after your return it is primarily your fault. Really?

I dont understand why people are telling you to text or contact him. It's a crap idea. Leave him to it now. Very few things cannot be replaced. Whatever you have at his or vice versa I am sure can be replaced. If not then fair enough, but i would definitely leave it longer.

Do not contact him - regardless of all the ins and outs he started this he ruined your holiday and broke up with you.
He also has not contacted you all week - this is huge sign that he is just not that into you.
Whether you think he is justified or not is irrelevant.
Regardless of his personality traits if he wanted you there’d be texts, calls, flowers, visits.
He knows you want him back he knows any rejection you gave him on holiday or when you arrived home is just because you were hurting and humiliated.
Do not contact him.

Thanks all. I went to message last night but didn't, I'm so hurt. We have spent almost all Saturdays together for all that time.. He doesn't even care😭

Thinking of you rhubarb39. It's shit. No comfort now but it will get better, and you are doing so well (even though you don't feel like it probably) You deserve so much more.

Hope you manage to find things to distract you today.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this❤️
I’ve been there, it’s horrific
Please just keep yourself busy
Start planning a nice thing to do on Saturdays
I’m not saying don’t listen to him if he does contact you but it must come from him with no prompting from you whatsoever and make him drive to you do not go to him if he does. X

how are things OP

rhubarb is waiting for a reply to the message she sent the ex yesterday, haplessharpie. She's posting on the break up support thread.

How do I get onto the breakup support thread please?

Break Up support thread No3, Relationships, near the top.

Hi, yes I sent a message yesterday, need to know what's going on and if that's it why he's gone quiet and what to do re stuff.. I'm so 💔 no reply.. Says it all

Ok got it! Thanks

No, he doesn't care. Neither should you. Please, show yourself some respect and understand that this is him, not you.

At least you tried and now you know. You have no choice now but to be positive and move on x

I'm sorry.

I saw you were on the other thread. In one of your posts you said (in reference to your previous abusive relationship I assume) you wish that your current DP/Ex was harrassin you instead of not contacting you. That's what I mean about you/me/us all being products of what went before. Harrasement is abuse. As is the silent treatment. I don't think you should have messaged but a decent man would have replies quickly if only to confirm it is over.

What does your DD think about it? I assume she spent time with him previously given her age.

Sweetie, kindly, he’s just not that into you. Nothing you do now, no amount of strategic messaging will change that.

You can reiterate how awesome everything was to is until you’re blue in the face. The thing is, it was only awesome on your end.

He’s not reaching out. He hasn’t reached out for this vital item you’re sure he left in your care so you’d have an excuse to be in touch.

He’s given you the “firm no”, you just aren’t hearing it.

@rhubarb39

that's hard to deal with, it seems so rude to ignore a (I presume) nice message to sort of practicalities.

If he doesn't reply by tomorrow or in the next few days, I would assume it's definitely over.

I do think this game-playing of "im not going to text until X day" is making it all a bit more intense than it needs to be. Surely you could have arranged for the practicalities on holiday/on the journey home?

We've all been there. The need for closure, the final stamp of 'its over', just to be sure.....Deep down we know it is but seem to force ourselves into the masochistic agony of going through it all again. Or to be be blanked which is just as bad, but a lot easier for him.

Rhubarb, whichever thread you post on, you will get support. Use that support, not to wallow, but to think....as many expletives as you can and get your big girl pants on. For him to use your past experience against you and acting like this, is akin to blaming you and being abusive in his own specific way.