So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

I don't think rhubarb39 will take on board that it isn't her fault. She's looking for ways to make it all her fault so she gets her man back. She's smitten and desperate. No offence, rhubarb we've all been in thrall to men who hurt us at one time or another.

I've followed your thread from the outset rhubarb It's clear that you love him deeply and it's equally unclear (to me) why you aren't together now.
There is no law that says you can't contact him; there is no law that says you can't try to work things out.
So for heavens' sake talk to him !
You are now near to the end of a second week of heartbreak and it surely would do no harm to talk to each other.

I understand the instinct. If it's my fault then I can control it and potentially fix it. I did it for years. I couldn't control it or fix it, actually, but I could walk away from it.

If I'd have kept quiet we would have had a good rest of the holiday and I wouldn't be here now.

Oh dear, lovely, it is so sad reading about you beating yourself up for things ... when it was he who was so awful to you.

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you take responsibility for everyones happiness ? Do you really want to have to dance around him endlessly. Seal lunging your hurt and paying attention only to his feelings. What about your feelings. ?

I hope you get in touch with your own real feelings at some point.

I don't get what you should have kept quiet about. When he said he wanted to break up?

Rhubarb thinks she shouldn't have been hurt and angry at how she was treated; she should have kept quiet once he'd explained his feelings. She said that maybe he was right that it wasn't working, because she was upset and wanted an apology from him and he's stone walled her since then.

BUT the part where you've put a simple text asking to speak I now feel is down to me

Rhubarb, if you feel so strongly this way then I suppose you don't have any closure at all and will always wonder. So I think you'll probably have to reach out first (I say this through gritted teeth)

Perhaps you should leave it for about 10 days after your return from holiday and then drop a text 'Hi, how are you doing? I have your , let me know if you'd like it back, also if you want a chat you know where I am x' Or something similar, light and breezy (no heavy emotionally overwhelming email)

It still probably won't end well, but if this is the path you must take to get through this then I suppose it needs to be done.

But before you (potentially) open things up to further discussions etc. decide what your cut off point is, what you will accept and what you won't. Be honest with yourself about how much you are willing to concede, because if it looks like you are going back to him, he will have all the power and he will know it.

Rhubarb if you are dranatic so what? I talk things as I think them. My DP ponders then talks. Different approaches. Both valid. He doesn't expect me to dial it down and I don't ask him to chatter ( constantly) like me. That's healthy. Him dumping crap on you out of the blue on holiday then the silence till you are back in line. Not healthy. Please look online at stuff I suggested. And at least wait a bit before jumping back in.

It might make you feel better right away. It won't necessarily make you feel better in the longer term.

Thanks for your replies, they are all valid and I am believe it or not taking it on board. I've been on a relationship where I've sat and 'hoped' I can guarantee you I am not one to waste time/beg unless I now felt worth it.
I've spent the eve with a friend, she suggests messaging him Saturday.. I'm still worried about his reply but what will be will be

Hi OP,

You left a very nice comment on my thread about my ex dumping me the night before my birthday, so I came on here and read your full thread.

I would advise you to send the text whenever you feel ready. Do not continue to delay or hope that he will text. Take control of what YOU want - do you want clarity? to meet? to get your things? Be honest with yourself, and the reasons as to why you may be delaying that text.

I mean this in the nicest way possible - he is not checking his phone every time it goes like you are. He has done his bit now, and he probably feels relief that it's "done". His pain will not start until all this becomes real to him, when that last bit of contact has stopped - it may take months for him to feel the shame of how he has treated you the last few weeks (which has been appallingly).

I have thought similarly to you in the last few days - "what if I hadn't have complained about that thing he did?" or "why did I ask to meet him when he wasn't well". It's torture, and I have so much empathy for you. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Send the text. Do it tomorrow morning. Bite the bullet. In a lot of circumstances, the person who has been dumped has to keep the ship sailing steadily in order to get closure. And this is usually the woman.

Please try to view this objectively. His behaviour, regardless of his character or temperament is awful. This silence is intended to make you hurt or make his point valid that he's so hurt himself. You matter too.

to you. I really do understand how you feel.

you say he hasn’t had many relationships, so it sounds like you are in the headspace of trying to show him what love is & you feel he is a prize that you’ve won. It’s a big ego boost to be the woman who got this cad to settle down. You feel special because he supposedly shared things with you he never has before...you’re a caretaker type. When they don’t need you anymore they fly away...I think you may be seeing why he hasn’t had many serious relationships. His true feelings are just not that deep, to have been with you this long & then poof, it’s over without warning or knowing there were issues. He’s done this before.

I think now that you should text him, but when he doesn’t give you the answer you want please accept it & don’t try to keep lines of communication open to try to persuade him & plead your case.

From your revision of history over this thread’s progression it reads very obviously to me that you have some serious self esteem issues. Who cares if you act a certain way because this is how you are with your friends! you are so quick to attribute fault to yourself. Perhaps it makes you feel more in control, like you have to power to change this & you can be better. But in the same breath you say how deep the love was & how perfect you were. People aren’t perfect & in healthy relationships people’s imperfections can be seen as cute, or something you tease each other about.

I think msg him & get your answer, but be sure you don’t plead or beg or ask him to justify his feelings.

Life's short. If you want to try and put the holiday behind you and start again, why not do it? Just text him and say why are we being so stupid, let's work this out. And if he is anything but emphatic, block/delete and never think of him again. That's my advice.

I just can’t get a handle on what happened here.

You say he dumped you but actually it sounds as if he expressed some feelings he had but up and wanted to talk about, you explained your side.... and then you dumped him for upsetting you by taking to you about his feelings?

Did he dump you or not? And did you spend the holiday waiting fir your dramatic apology?

Wow all this drama. You do sound like you might be hard work for someone looking for a simple life.

Your thread title said you'd been dumped. Now 2 weeks later and 100s of responses later you are saying something different.

Just make a decision and leave the man in peace.

Thanks all, I'm rubbish at remembering posts so apologys at not naming specifically.

Ok to clarify.. Long, happy, great routine relationship. Few minor niggles on both sides but def more contributions from mine.
A few weeks ago we had an argument about the same issue I've been going on about since I felt he messed me about with the answer (he did) and have been annoyed about it I guess snapping at points on anything that may trigger.
Get on holiday, something triggers him (unrelated but not saying as outing) and bang.. Long talk (hours) ..says he's fed up, when I ask if he's finishing things he just doesn't reply (what would you think?) I cry majorly.. In talking I feel he's opened up to me hugely, I felt so happy as had explained a lot to me.. we 'sort' and off we go for dinner like nothings happened.. Except I was still so upset & worried that I then in panic to see if he was 'sure' turned it round and agreed with him as I guess I'd waited so long to be away and he just almost then brushed it under the carpet..he was upset.. I was upset and we as you all know barely spoke a word for the rest of it (mixed with odd moments of talk and 1 meal out)

Now I am insecure.. I now see he is insecure.. We are both quiet.. The non speaking is a common when we've fallen out before but I'm just worried now as I feel I had the chance to go with it and didn't.
I apologise if its not been explained well, it's been chaotic since I got back, haven't even had a chance to get upset really.. I feel overwhelmed and pulled. I am a very simplistic easy going person who wants to be happy end of, I don't want a drama and if I send the message I will accept what he says as its not meant to be.

Your latest post sounds very different from the original one OP. Were you actually dumped? I can't really tell, sounds more like you ended it.

I think you need to contact him and ask to sort this out, you need a clear answer from him one way or another. Make your own feelings clear.

Any ambiguity from him, then you move on.

@rhubarb39

This is not how you described it at the time. When you challenged him on the timing of the initial dumping he said you both "needed a holiday". He may have retracted in his subsequent "break down". If you want to try again fair enough but don't rewrite what happened to minimise his behaviour.

And again. You stated your previous experience as meaning you won't put up with any crap any more. Saying this and actually doing it are two different things. You do seem ( imo) to have low expectations on what constitutes reasonable behaviour from a partner. You are also keen to accept more than your fair share of responsibility for what he did. Ii is perfectly possible for this to be the case even if you are a confident and articulate person.

Sotoes yes origionally.. Till we talked.. Then I threw it back. I feel so shit, it feels so playground like I know.. I'm not into games I can assure you.. I think the build up to a very long awaited holiday didnt help the situation (no excuses)

Ms pav yes he did say that re needing a holiday and that in itself upset me as it wasn't as far as I was concerned then a holiday.. It was 2 people (me in love with him) sitting in shock not having a clear idea of exactly how he was feeling/what was coming..

What do you mean originally? He dumped you. On holiday in his friend's place. If he didn't mean it he is manipulative at best. Why are you still trying to take responsibility?

Just send him a light hearted text rhubarb at least it will break the ice. Ask how he is . You are clearly suffering and you need to come to a conclusion for your own wellbeing .
Maybe you two should go for counselling if you do decide to carry on x

Your latest post sounds very different from the original one OP. Were you actually dumped? I can't really tell, sounds more like you ended it.

Yes, I'm confused now. I think I might be doing a u turn on how I see this whole thing, if what you just said is the truth of it.

Mspav I'm willing to take part responsibility.
Jan thanks and yes you're right if we get that far as we both have issues.

Most men hate drama, don't communicate well and find it difficult to talk about their feelings.
Come to a conclusion talk to him.and sort it out or move and learn from it x

You are taking responsibility for him dumping you? There may have been issues. No relationship is perfect but you were clearly shattered by what he did and how he did it. All that came afterwards stems from what he did. Alone.

You have now ( having centred him all week) persuaded yourself that you are at least equally responsible and that you should make changes in order to fix things. You say you are listening. I think you are reading but most of your headspace is focused on him, understanding his needs, his wants, why your behaviour makes him feel the way he does. Where are you in all this? ( Other than missing him and wanting that fixed quickly).