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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

821 replies

rhubarb39 · 05/10/2019 19:55

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 17/10/2019 14:58

The trouble is that you don't know how he feels. You may assume you do, but you're dangerously close to the 'I know him better than he knows himself' territory.

You are allowing yourself to think he's just not contacting you because he doesn't want to upset you, but he might not be. He might be enjoying the space. He might be terrified you will be angry with him (entirely justifiably) and not want to risk another row. He might be feeling all hurt and sitting around licking his wounds or he might be off out at work, telling people that 'it just didn't work out'.

Beware attributing feelings and intentions to him because they are what you want him to be feeling. You may think you can read his mind, but you can't.

Jan664 · 17/10/2019 15:08

Do you have a mutual friend who can help. Let you know how hes doing ? X

Babyg1995 · 17/10/2019 15:15

I would try and move on I've read your full thread and trust me if a man wants to be with you he will make every effort to be with you that's what love is being together.

amiapropermum · 17/10/2019 15:16

Scared to death of upsetting you or too afraid to communicate properly and wants you to do the heavy lifting? If he'd been that afraid of upsetting you he wouldn't have behaved the way he did.

Please, please give yourself some time. I do understand the impulse to make it all better but as a PP said is isn't a healthy instinct and you'll see that in time. I've always gone for relationships where I've been the fixer, the trier, proving myself over and over again. That was down to my upbringing and I've since had counselling that has helped me to identify those patterns and my reactions to them

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 15:51

You are allowing yourself to think he's just not contacting you because he doesn't want to upset you, but he might not be.

I'm pretty sure beacaue of the stalking past its how he's treated me before.. He's a worrier.

He might be enjoying the space.

He will be, I'm sure, but he has this space a lot when we were together it's about future space.

He might be terrified you will be angry with him (entirely justifiably) and not want to risk another row.

Yes that will be a definate but I just want to talk.
He might be feeling all hurt and sitting around licking his wounds
I hope so
or he might be off out at work, telling people that 'it just didn't work out'.
I hope not and don't think that's the case but I don't know.

He's always been quiet, only had 1 serious relationship.. I was starting to get stuff out of him that he says he's never told anyone..sigh

OP posts:
Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 15:52

Sorry that should have bolded some of the cut and paste I did.
Jan no, he doesn't live overly close to me.

OP posts:
Jan664 · 17/10/2019 16:00

You could perhaps try to leave it a bit longer till after the weekend that's not long. If you really cant and you are struggling so much maybe you should just send him a brief text but you have to be ready for him to ignore you x

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 16:03

Jan thanks, I can honestly say it's becoming one of the longest weeks of my life, or so it feels. I'm so so upset, doing that fatal thing of reading old messages and even recent show no indication of not being totally in love with me.. I'm swnsing what I have Friday and what i get back will be meant to be

OP posts:
Jan664 · 17/10/2019 16:07

At least you might be able to find some peace then x

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 16:11

Jan I'll obviously be heartbroken but yes it will help me move on whereas at the moment I can't

OP posts:
Jan664 · 17/10/2019 16:14

I hope so. You have to do what's right for you at the end of the day despite what other people may well meaningfully advise x

purplepalace · 17/10/2019 16:30

Him saying he will never approach or pester you because of the stalking is a complete cop-out. And you believing this is the reason why you haven't heard from him is wishful thinking. A simple text asking if you're ok and if you'd like to talk is all it would take, but none has been forthcoming.

It's incredible that after the stunt he pulled on holiday, shunning you and breaking up with you, you feel YOU'VE thrown the relationship away and it's your fault.

So (by the sounds of it) you may open communication again, and let him know you're open to getting back together? It will always be on his terms, the sulking silence after arguments will get worse, you will never be able to lean on him for support for fear of stressing him out. You won't have the commitment (living together?) you need, it'll all be his choice. You will feel so grateful to have him back you will continue to compromise.

I suspect you are missing him so much that at the moment you're willing to make these concession, but it really isn't worth it. You deserve better.

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 16:31

Jan I know and everyone has been amazing, I think I'd have lost all sanity. I'll get an OK.. Or I'll get a sorry but..least I'll be able to try or walk away.. 1 of the 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 16:36

Purple everything you've written is spot on BUT the part where you've put a simple text asking to speak I now feel is down to me seeing as I was the one to turn it back round to me having had enough.. If I'd have kept quiet we would have had a good rest of the holiday and I wouldn't be here now.
IF he will see me we can at least talk..if he won't then that's that.. I won't beg or pester.. But its been left open and that's awful.

OP posts:
Jan664 · 17/10/2019 16:39

Men are generally hopeless at communicating x

Jan664 · 17/10/2019 16:44

Do what you need to do but stop blaming yourself you did your best in a difficult situation x

amiapropermum · 17/10/2019 16:45

Rhubarb, I think you're being unfair to yourself and, as I said, I get it. I've been in your shoes. You had every right to be upset by what he did. You didn't have to swallow all your emotions and views and feelings when he decided to get over himself.

This is not solely on you to fix. It's really sad to see you put that on yourself.

I don't think this is a 'men are generally hopeless at communicating and so we must make allowances' situation. I think that's doing you a disservice.

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 16:53

Thanks. I'm not taking responsibility even if it looks like that. He will be blunt in how he feels which is what I want either way.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 17/10/2019 16:56

You have nailed it when you say "If I'd kept quiet". Yes. You'd have been on the back foot, dancing around him, attempting to appease and please him. Whilst keeping schtum about your own needs and wants. On holiday and afterwards. And you're going to walk right into it if you contact him. That's what he's counting on.

And of course reasonable men communicate. The silence is /was a pattern of abusive behaviour. Many men follow it but that doesn't make it right.

maddy68 · 17/10/2019 16:58

In fairness there is no optimum time. Go and drown your sorrows on the beach and get smashed on cocktails. Better to be heartbroken in the sun than rainy Britain

Can you ask him to find a hotel room for either of you for the rest of the week?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/10/2019 17:07

You have nailed it when you say "If I'd kept quiet". Yes. You'd have been on the back foot, dancing around him, attempting to appease and please him.

And this will be how it is if he deigns to get back with you. There is a power imbalance here. If you accept that, if that's what you want, rather than give him up, that is of course up to you. It does mean you'll be on eggshells, not wanting to provoke further dumpings and sulks.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 17/10/2019 17:09

maddy68 OP has been back home for several days.

RTFT

Original poster
rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 19:01

Mariana but the crap I used to moan about is stuff I alps need to cut.. Its drains me, I haven't stopped to think how he isn't as dramatic as my friends and quite frankly must get sick of it.. Not excusing just saying I could change it to be healthier for both of us

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 17/10/2019 19:06

So if you arrange to meet, and ask him to be honest, do you think you'll get answers or do you think you need to profess undying love before he'll speak

amiapropermum · 17/10/2019 19:16

Rhubarb, please read back over this thread as if you weren't the OP. You have now identified the thing about yourself that you think you must change because that's what caused his bad behaviour and how he mishandled things and hurt you. If only you had behaved better all along that wouldn't have happened.

False. He's a grown man. He should be well able to speak up if something is troubling him. This is not your fault.

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