So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

OK so in a nutshell.
Nearly 3 years together, all great. Holidays, great memory's etc.. All good.
Some issues with family, ex etc.. All my side. He's been supportive and great throughout.. BUT he's clearly struggled behind the scenes with some of it, not told me and had a meltdown on holiday (not planned he said)
Apologised and we talked.. I then called his bluff by saying maybe he was right (because I was hurt and wanted some dramatic apology) and he was shocked.. We didn't speak the rest of it, him saying 'I thought we'd talked'
I feel I've ruined what we would have clawed back.
The silence after an argument isnt unusual, he's generally very quiet anyway, we're both stubborn in ways.
I'm sure some could try and switch off and occupy.. I can't. I've been so busy since back and I cannot just sit and pretend I don't want him back. He was amazing and kind and as much as he was a on holiday the rest was great..i will always kick myself if I let him go without trying.

I mean this kindly but you sound like a doormat & you have a better chance of getting him to come around if you go full no contact & move forward in your life. Hanging around pining & showing him how much you love him & want to work at this will only turn off the person who is pulling away. They won’t respect you for being strong & be wary of being in relationships you have to “fight” for.

Prawn I'm certainly not a doormat, if it comes across like that he will know I'm not, just wanting to see what the end result is.
Majority of posts online are woman, men generally never make the effort required.. Thats not some excuse by the way just the way I see it

'I feel I've ruined what we would have clawed back.'

He ruined it all through his words and actions.

No point in clawing back, as he could say what he said again at any point in the future.

The way you come across here it sounds like you don’t listen though...talk till blue in the face to wear people down to do what you want etc... wanting to send long emails after days of talking this over... does he have to say point blank “it’s over” for you to accept it? What if you talk him around & he half heartedly agrees to try again? Would you jump at it?

You don’t need to win someone over & prove how great you are for them. If this was a guy we would say you should respect her wishes & leave her alone!

I disagree & do think you sound like a doormat, but you are skewing this & pretending that fighting for the relationship is the stronger & more noble thing to do. You will never win this person the way you want. People in good relationships just don’t blow up relationships on holiday like this. I think he is a coward who can’t verbally express his true feelings(because you won’t like to hear them) and you are pestering him trying to get him to tell you what you want to hear.

You don't have to pretend you don't want him back. That's not the same as actually making it happen or recognising it would be a bad thing. Few people find it easy to switch off in my experience. It takes effort and time. It has not been a week since you got back so your feelings are normal.

You are now rewriting what happened, and turning it all on you and how you mishandled it. Women who have experienced abuse in relationships can often attempt to take responsibility /blame for things going wrong. And find reasons to excuse and want to "fix" their partners. I know myself. Even if this relationship was not abusive you are still a product of what came before.

If you contact him now without really allowing yourself the time and space to think about the bad as well as the good ( never mind his holiday bombshell) you are right back where you were. And he has more power than before. And you'll never feel secure.

Also “generally men don’t make the effort required”

Umm in my experience when a bloke deeply loves a women nothing will stop him from being with her. If he loved you, you would have heard from him & not been essentially ghosted. He is doing the slow let down, because he is unable to communicate his true feelings. I think he has told you how he feels in roundabout ways but you aren’t reading in between the lines.

If you read Living with the Dominator ( Freedom Programme book) it clearly dhows what you can expect from a "good" man. Making an effort is a fairly basic requirement of someone in a relationship.

You're right.. I know..part of me totally agrees with you, but there's a small part that wants all this to end. I don't feel like it's been 'ended' so I'm in limbo.. What if he's feeling the same.. If I knew it was a definate no from him I'd deal far better.. But you're right, he has a mouth and a phone and I'm wasting my time😢

So a half hearted yes is better than a no? The silence is the no & in my experience closure is a myth

You can end it by telling yourself it is over. You will need to keep at it and you'll still hurt but at least you'll be in control.

“Men generally never never make the effort”

What do you mean?

That men don’t make an effort to show women they love that they want to be with them?

That's really morning true. My experience is totally the opposite. Men who want to be in a relationship with you will put in the effort and show you.

You have very low expectations.

As pps have said, take control and consider it ended. You won't feel any worse than you do now. Keeping NC is empowering although it hurts like hell. If he wants you back, he'll tell you.

I think you're painting a picture that he's a poor, tortured soul who needs your nurturing.

Nurture yourself instead. You had a terrible holiday which he stage managed. No support network, no escape unless you had cut short your time away. Not the actions of a caring but tortured man.

men generally never make the effort required.. Thats not some excuse by the way just the way I see it
You're meeting the wrong men.

See he ended it thinking that you'd fight for it and fix all the problems?

Because you agreed with him he now sees it all done?

Tbh I don't see that there's anything left, I think you're right in that this feeling is because you've not been dumped before. It's always ended because you decided.

So you went on a nice holiday that you’d been looking forward to for months, he dumped you, ruined your holiday and now you’re back you’re the one mourning over him and wanting to fight for the relationship?

What has he done?
Why isn’t he at your door?
Not even a text?

Even if you do crawl back to him, won’t you forever be scared to share your feelings and thoughts with him in case it ‘stresses’ him again? Won’t you be worried that he’ll randomly dump you again?

Manky we never discussed the issues prior.. When I started talking about how I felt he realised we should have spoke.. It then got resolved.. Then arsey me said actually you know what maybe you were right (because I wanted him to be SO sorry he'd upset me but felt like he'd brushed it under the carpet) and he didn't like it.
No talks since, he's extremely cut and dry. Deep down though the 95% of the time together has been great and I can't get past that.

Funghi agreed no message, it's how he shuts down..he says because of my ex stalking me he wouldn't ever pester me.. He said this on holiday when I said I'd been at the pool and he hadn't come to speak to me, didn't want to harass me. Work takes over and even though he will say he thinks he's got the evenings hasn't he?
I feel very torn.. I've got his stuff.. Him mine.. We just never speaking again?!

Don't even think about speaking to him for at least six weeks. Let the worst of the feelings settle. After that you can contact him about picking up his things, it won't feel so bad.

But please don't put this on yourself. Okay, so you were 'arsey', but the fact remains that he didn't talk to you about issues which caused the whole thing in the first place. It sounds as though communication was a problem on his side and it's unlikely that he's going to have a huge revelation and change the way he relates to people overnight. It will STILL be a problem.

Then arsey me said actually you know what maybe you were right (because I wanted him to be SO sorry he'd upset me but felt like he'd brushed it under the carpet) and he didn't like it

So he got a taste of his own medicine and didn't like it? He upset you but that could be resolved. When you upset him it's silence, shutdown, withdrawal. That's not fair or balanced.

My ex used to sulk if he hadn't heard from me. I'd point out that he could text/call and he'd say, "I don't want to bother you." So the onus was on me. I'd say that I have this marvellous device called a mobile telephone that comes with me and if I'm busy I won't answer it - there's no bothering with that. That wasn't right because he'd have to make the effort, be vulnerable, put himself out and it didn't suit the victim persona. So he'd just.....brood in silence

amiapropermum an exhausting way to live, with the onus always on the woman to protect the man's feelz.

Again. All about him. And how you accommodate him. And excuse him. And (possibly) contact him. This is what I mean about how we learn from previous relationships. This dynamic is not healthy. Even if he has been perfect (and no one is) your responses are unhealthy and won't be good for you going forward.

Send his stuff on. Put a note in and ask him to do the same. Or write it off. You can decide here. You don't have to leave it to him alone.

Mariana exactly! I tried and tried and tried but in the end actually left him over something that, on its own was quite small, but was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Try to give it more time rhubarb its early days for both of you. Maybe you will be able to talk in the not so distant future when you have both got over this episode but you need time. Try to be kind to yourself x

I guess it's all got blown out of proportion.. I'd understand if he'd cheated on me or been abusive as such.. It seems so stupid. I know the bigger picture is a ruined holiday but we are both clearly awful at communicating and a lot has been crossed wires. I am not daft and have been through worse.. I just feel I can't just throw away as a whole a great relationship over this without trying.
He won't contact me as like I said he said he's scared to death of upsetting me.. I know that soujds lame.. I agree but as a person I know how he feels
I also know ill be on here next week telling you you're all right and you can say I told you so.. I'm. Obviously not as strong as I thought