So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

Leave him be rhubarb. As you said, you're the one in shock and he's the cause of it. If he wants his stuff, doorstep it. All you'll get now is more handwringing and angst from him if you engage.

Sadly, time and space are the only things that will help you. And you need to think about YOU here, not him. He may well want to 'chat', to get things off his chest, to get you to solve his problems for him (my XH, after a similar dumping, wanted me to help him 'get sociable' for going out dating new people(!!). He'd got so used to leaning on me for help he genuinely couldn't see why this wouldn't be appropriate). I had to cut him off and block him on everything just to find some peace of mind.

You will get there. I agree with putting all his stuff in a bag and sending it to his home or his work. It's the only way to send the message that his behaviour was NOT ALL RIGHT.

Thanks I am going to leave it.
He knew how upset I was about it all, he heard my reasons and answers to what he thought and he's not a stupid guy, he clearly just isn't interested. I learnt from being away that he has a great capacity to be able to go silent and that's not something I deal with well. When I asked him why he wasn't speaking he said he didn't know what to say.. Thats that then?!
I am going to probably sound awful here but I've never been dumped! I'm also one of those people who attract male attention easily and it really hurts that the person I want doesn't feel the same. I've had a few people so far (haven't told many people) say 'what an absolute waste' that refers to me as a person..whereas I feel our history list is a waste. I am a nice person.. Thoughtful, would do anything to support someone, spends my money on them..seems that's not god enough.. That makes you feel so bad as a person😞he would say I'm amazing.. Just not amazing enough😢

Please think about this. you are fairly sure he has left this "thing" deliberately. Why if not to fuck with your head some more? Either to encourage you to call, or allow him to call you.

I know you still don't want to engage with this but if you are reading. The wonderful man you think he is/was. He may well have wanted out but wouldn't he have done so decently, not on holiday . And even if you allow (as you are) that it was a one off aberration caused by misunderstandings, lack of communication etc, what of his behaviour since then? Worse in some ways. What he did, and how he did it is more than enough for you to not want to be in a relationship (regardless of you loving him still ). This is nothing to do with you. You are wonderful. He may have told you so, but he is showing you that words mean nothing. His needs trump all else.

Try to focus on how badly he's treated you rather than excusing/understanding what's gone on. If he were in any way remorseful/wanting to take responsibility he would have let you know by now.

And having experience of previous abusive relationships doesn't make us less likely to be in another one, rather than the reverse.

But that's always the problem with being dumped, Rhubarb, in essence, it's someone else saying that you aren't good enough for them.

Well, that's their perception at fault, nothing wrong with you! You'll be fine, this is the worst bit. Get through the next few weeks and you will start to feel much better and reclaim bits of your life that you'd lost.

Best of luck to you.

Not talking/silence/ignoring is a classic type of abusive behaviour.

I would post his stuff back to him so he has no reason to contact you again and mess with your head

Op you know when someone is into & when they aren’t. I’m like you, with someone you care about how can you go days with no communication & being shut out? It’s cold. I think with these types it’s what they aren’t saying which is the message. No answer is the answer. You have felt genuine intimacy with others in your past & this isn’t it...have recently been there & it hurts to be rejected when you are used to doing the breaking up. But it happens to the best of us. Even brad & Anjie broke up.... try to take comfort in that you’re of good character & have good instincts to know when things are wrong & that you have tried your best to be a good girlfriend. he isn’t the person for you. The right guy will take you on a mad holiday & not want to go ages without speaking.

Thanks all. I know, it's mind games.. I wish I'd seen this prior and would slightly understand but he's been pretty amazing up till now.. I've obviously had my head in the sand. The 'thing' I suspect he will not worry about, purely because it looks petty or pretty awful to ask for it over what we had.
I don't want anyone else.. I know we all say that but this has really affected me.. I felt he ticked every box and more.

Rhubarb, silence is an answer yes. I did have a wobble and texted my ex whilst he was at work a few weeks ago and he read it and never replied. I though reaching out could make our frankly awful living arrangements better (sharing a house in absolute silence and pretending the other didn’t exist at all), when he didn’t reply and continued to ignore me in person I blew up at him for being an asshole and he said he was ‘trying to move on and that I should respect that’!

He now continues sitting in his room every night in silence. I think your ex might be waiting for you to come crying back to be honest. The whole ‘stay for a cup of tea’ thing is indicative of someone who doesn’t know what the fuck they want, in my opinion. You deserve someone who really wants you though, he will absolutely only do this to you again further down the line if you let him back in. Don’t waste these years on him!

seems that's not good enough

Oh lovely, this breaks my heart. He treats you badly ... and the feelings that emerge in you are that you are not good enough.

Please, let me say out loud, as PP wrote, you are wonderful. He really just does not deserve you. Look at his actions, they shout that he is not good enough for you.

It may feel as if you want to get some understanding of why etc. but honestly, that is just a consolation prize. It is all covered by his not being up to the job of being your partner.

Leaving his horrible behaviour behind and looking forward to living your best life, that is the prize to go for. All the best.

Is there any need @Phoebesgift

Really?

Except this box, Rhubarb. How he's handled this is a pretty big X instead of a tick. It's just a box you weren't aware of till now. You've handled it all really well.

Thanks and I know you're right. I guess I know he's capable of doing the things I want.. I just can't get into my head that he doesn't want to do them with me when we discussed such a great future together.

Phoebe as I said it was probably going to sound awful.. I didn't mean it as 'I'm so bloody amazing' but EVERY single ex has come back to me.. 'I f' d up' 'I made a huge mistake' I've been stalked badly because my older ex 'seriously messed up'...i want this bloke to fight and I know it wont happen.

I don't think it's about him choosing not to fight for you - although I know it feels that way right now - but that he's not going to make himself vulnerable by making the effort so he's expecting you to do it. I might totally be projecting here but I had an ex who needed to be told he wasn't going to be rejected before every interaction, emotional and sexual, so that he could initiate things. It was exhausting and meant the whole weight of 'fixing' any difficulty in the relationship fell to me because he "didn't know what to say."

Amia.. You've just summed him up in 1. One thing I got from the talking we did do was that he feels sorry for himself a lot.. That no one cares.. That people didn't put enough effort in etc.. The stupid (or so I feel) reasons he's given me reflect on that and how 'he's thought' despite me telling him he's totally wrong it won't sink in sadly

You can't fix it, you can't fix him. If he's not able to put himself out there enough to fix his own fuckup then I promise you you're better off out of it. Took me 5.5 years to see the light and I definitely spent the last two trying trying trying.

Rhubarb don’t feel bad for knowing your own worth, it’s perfectly healthy to realise that you’re a good girlfriend/ person and that you’re a catch 😊 someone else not wanting to date you is no reflection on you as a person.

Stalking is abusive behaviour. Your X did this because he was controlling not because he could not live without you ( well he couldn't but because of the control). You really don't want this again.

I hope at some level you think about all this. And how your previous experiences have led you to where you are. And if not why you don't want to go there If I, and others are wrong there's nothing lost other than time. And you have too much on your hands atm.

Mspav I know re my ex but this do is and was nothing like him.. I wouldn't have repeated history if I'd ever had any doubts.

I understand that. But abusive men are not all the same. I am suggesting you look at the Freedom Programme and maybe Why does he do that? book. You have nothing to lose and as I said will help going forward regardless.

Dont speak to him for a month. Then see how you feel. It knocks your confidence when some treats you badly or 'dumps' you. It makes you think there is something wrong with you when there isn't. They always come back after a while if you dont contact them in my experience because they cant stand being ignored. Like you say you are a nice person and will most likely meet someone else when you are ready x

Mspav I will thank you.
Jan I won't contact him, as much as I want to I can't.. He needs to be the one.. I know he won't though.
I was talking to a friend last night saying how much I made him laugh.. He said I was one of the funniest people he'd met.. I did such silly unique things that no one else will do.. How can he not see we were good together😢

You are coping so well. Yes you feel like crap, that's normal.

You had something special (you did, it's not your imagination) and you have to mourn its loss - made harder as there is no clear reason why you can't get back together.

There are some very bitter and twisted people on here who will attribute evil to anything stupid anyone (generally male) chooses to do. I don't think he's evil and I do think he is missing you and I think, if you did make the first move, you could start again but I believe and I think that you believe that going back to him would set a precedent for him to repeat the behaviour. AND you are not going to go for that.

It really seemed that there are a few people on here though that have been more mean to you than he was. Not content with giving an opinion they have hammered it home repeatedly.

There are only 2 reason I can see why people do that. One because they are in the situation they are describing and either can't get out or put up with for years before they got out but think you should just do as they tell you.
OR
They are that sort of manipulative and abusive person themself which is why they recognise it in others. Kind of 'takes on to know one.'

However you are home now, you are through the very worst and though you will go through all the emotions of grief - you will get there. You are strong and you are worth so much more.

Hugs