So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

I’m so sorry.

Even if he does ask you to try again make sure it’s what YOU want. Put yourself first st all times.

You sound much to nice to be with someone who can treat you like that.

Welcome back lovely. I know you're sad and you're hurting, but you should be so proud of yourself and how you behaved. You're a tough cookie. You deserve someone who would move heaven and earth to sort things out if there are issues, not hot and cold treatment. Your retort to him was perfect. Good luck for the future, may you never have such a shit holiday with a moron ever again.

He probably cancelled his dad with some excuse and changed to the taxi because of the situation.

Sounds like he'd like to mess you arou d a bit more for a while. Of course that's not what he thinks he's doing - he thinks he is conflicted, had mixed feelings blah blah but the result is he'll mist likely just mess you around fir a while more.

Funny how some people think they want to.finish a relationship until the other person (seems to) accept it; and then they question whether they want to. It's ok if the power's in their hands and they can take or leave you, bug if it looks like they don't have that option .. they wonder if they want the option back and often do what's necessary to get it back.

But the underlying ambivalence is still there, and the capacity to go back to indecision ( or outright wanting to finish) is still very much there.

Seems like you might be best not to give him more chances to mess you around; looks like you've already decided that yourself.

He really has treated you badly and either doesn't care or doesn't understand that you will feel shite due to his behaviour. And then thinks you can just forget about it.
Is he really arrogant and thinks that you'll just be grateful for a cup of tea and his time?

He must be regretting what he’s done and knows he’s ruined a lovely holiday with a lovely lady and not ruined a lovely future. You sound so nice. You have been so calm and kept yourself together. If that would of been me I’d of got shit faced and made a fool of myself.

You’ve done so well. You don’t need this shit in your life you deserve someone who treats you with respect and with love not toss you to the side when they feel like it and expect you to forgive when they have second thoughts.

Hope you start to feel better really soon lovely lady. Xx

Now*

Stay strong OP. I think @DarlingBuds19 is correct. He thinks he's conflicted but the dilemma for him is that he needs to be the one who can choose to leave or stay and he needed to check in and confirm to himself that that was all his choice. He got a shock and has dialled back a bit but darlingbuds is right, the underlying ambivalence is not good enough, you deserve somebody who'd value a relationship with you and not risk losing it and not cause you this much distress on holiday particularly.

Thank you all, very much appreciated.. Does feel nice to have support on here too..
Im just still amazed that nearly 3 years has passed and I have never seen this other side to him, feels like such a waste😞
Still im in my own comfy bed..mad day at work tomorrow then dd is round for dinner so 1 day at a time hey!
Obviously I'm gutted he hasn't messaged me but I guess the sooner I get my head around all this the better.

Well done you.

And what could he say in a text that would change what he has done /is doing?

He is still trying to sweat you out I think. Make you break first. Much like he did on holiday. KOKO.

Welcome to the other side!

You've done it! So, one day at a time.

You can do this. And, like a pp said, he's likely to come running back when he catches on that you don't need him or want him.

I went through hoops for a previous partner. Never again. Seriously. NEVER AGAIN.

JUST CUT LOOSE!. NOW.

It may be hardest thing you think you have done, but, believe me, better it now, than the years of misery I can see in frònt of you.

And,no,not psychic, just too bluddy experienced!!

What a shit. I don’t give a monkeys what he’s going through.

What a tawdry way to treat another human being.

It’s a cliche but today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Morning, thanks.
Day 1 being back.. Have woke shattered but OK. Busy day at work..hopefully that will help.
I do 'want' hik back.. The thing is I don't 'need' that stress ever again. He's not the type of guy to fight so that's 3 years just gone😭 but for the best.. I'm sure I'll see that in time

💐

Rhubarb if it makes you feel even slightly better you aren’t the only one going through this. My now ex of 3 years did the exact same thing to me just under 3 weeks ago. Sat me down out of nowhere after being a little off for a day and told me he didn’t love me anymore, gave various bits of situational bollocks as the reasoning for this loss of love, and that was it.

The last day we were together he got back into bed and fell asleep holding me when I asked him for a pre-work cuddle. He’s moving out of our house into a flatshare tonight, and I move into a house all by myself at the weekend (hopefully).

The shock is absolutely dreadful and I know you will be feeling all sorts of things. You’ll feel stupid and naive for not seeing it coming, you’ll still feel all the love you felt for him the day before he dropped this horrible surprise on you. You’ll feel angry, then remorseful for being angry, then angry at feeling remorseful. And some days, you’ll just feel sad. All of this is fine, and natural, and healthy so please don’t do what I did for the first week and beat yourself up over not moving in quick enough or well enough (and certainly don’t let anyone here give you shit about that either). You’re doing incredibly well and being so strong, ultimately I think he’s going to make one more serious play at getting back together once he realises you’ve shrugged the last one off, and it’s up to you what you do then. Just remember that there are better lives than looking at the person that you love and wondering if today is the day when they tell you (again) that they don’t love you too.

Whatever happens, you’re awesome, you got this.

Just chiming in again with support, Rhubarb.

If he's like my ex he honestly never thought it through. He did want to end it, then he thought he'd said his piece and offloaded and decided that it probably wasn't over and he could work through it - but the critical thing being that he never told you any of what was going on in his head. So you just heard 'breakup' and then 'back to normal'.

Anyone who can't communicate what's in their head is not a good partner. I've just ended things with an ex who would make decisions in his head and, to him, that was exactly the same as telling me, so he'd do the most bizarre things and I was supposed to think it was rational, because he did. As though I was psychic.

Best of luck now you're home. As you said, a day at a time...

Rose thank you.. Everythings right what you put.. I understand I do.. I just can't quite take it all in. The majority of our relationship was fun.. I don't know what's gone wrong.. I've obviously missed bits.. But like you've said unless people speak you're not a mind reader.
My friends partner ghosted her for 5 months after a fairly long period together, theyve not long got back together, maybe some people change.
Its funny because not long after we'd got together we had a trip to one of his siblings.. I assumed for the day ad was never told otherwise and wasn't 100% sure where we were going. So when he starts packing an overnight bag I was like?? He got quite annoyed that he'd 'told me' I can 100% tell you he hadn't and I was confused thinking it was me.. I now realise he obviously thinks a lot but forgets/doesn't realise he's not spoke out loud.
Being back is SO hard.. Its like being in 'our' house as most of it was bought with or by him.. Constant reminders😭

Rhubarb yep it’s almost impossible to take in. In the years we were together we basically never had an arguement - never had any cause to! I know I am a good partner, I’ve been considerate, patient, laid back, affectionate etc. He told me it was hard because he only had good memories of our time together and he still enjoyed being around me, he just wasn’t in love anymore.

I know what you mean about the house (although I am literally still living at our shared house which is pretty horrible right now). Are you renting or do you own it? Can you think about changing things up a bit, making it more your own? Or perhaps saving to move at some point, if it is a rental and you’d rather have a fresh start?

Try to reclaim the space for yourself, maybe take up a new hobby to do in that space so you ‘reshape’ how you think about it? I started painting my nails and doing nail art after my last big breakup, it sounds silly but a) it was self care and b) I started instagramming it and getting into the community - it was nice to have positive comments and kind words on something I was doing during a dark time!

Rose yes agree with what you're saying.. A move isn't possible unless I'm made to (rent) as can't imagine it would help.. The things are items that would just come with me.. Expensive sofa.. Bed.. Things I can't just change/get rid of.. Just a dreadful shame.
The routines gone.. The meals we cooked together, the songs we liked.. The places..photos.. Memory's are hard to forget when like you said were mostly great😞Relationships suck when it all goes wrong.. Obviously!
I wish he could feel like I do..be it in love or the pain he's causing.. One or the other😭

Yeah the routine thing is hard. A lot of the time me and ex spent together was doing domestic stuff. We’d go to Sainsbury’s to do our shop and call it ‘date night’ because we always had such a good time! I’m mostly dreading doing it all alone - shopping and cooking for one etc. Not feeling up to spinning that into a positive yet, like I’m trying to do with everything else.

You could chuck a throw over the sofa

After my last LTR breakup I thought there are so many places I can't go to because I went exclusively with him, and we had such a good time. Took me a while, but I 'reclaimed' those places by going alone, remembering, then realising these places existed before our relationship, and exist now. They are just places. Same with furniture, presents etc; it's just stuff. How we choose to imbue our memories and thoughts into it all is entirely up to us.

I still wear a piece of jewellery I was given because it is my exact taste, and it was given with love at the time. The love has gone, so now it's just a piece of jewellery I was lucky enough to have been given.

Not everyone is the same, and generally hive mind is to rid yourself of all reminders. Whatever works best.

Alternatively when he "forgot" to tell you things it is part of a pattern of ( abusive) behaviour. I'd be surprised if you didn't become more aware of stuff like this as time goes on.

Do look at Freedom Programme. Even if you don't think he was/is it will help you moving forward.

I went to places we'd been to as a couple as soon after the break up as I could, with someone else. Often I took my son. That took away those 'last time I was here...' type thoughts and memories. It was utterly horrible, but I can now go to all those places again without even thinking about him (DP I mean, not my son!).

Rose yes I get that completely. Me and x did lots of stuff like that.. I miss the familiarity that goes with making a life with someone. Knowing what they like/don't like..its so very hard isn't it😭
The sofas beautiful.. The only thing I should be putting a throw over is the photos of him😞😢

Zaphod agree it is horrible to start with, I remember very well how my heart beat escalated when I forced myself to go to our favourite places the first couple of times. There are many little braveries we have to do post break up.