So my dp has just broken up with me on holiday..

[rhubarb39]

Can't believe I'm writing this.. On a foreign holiday and he's broken up with me..there is background but nothing I felt enough to get to this point.. There is no emotion from him, he knew he was going to do it but said 'we both needed a holiday'.. I'm feeling very lost right now

Well done, you've got closure now.

I would of heard him out & to be honest I don't think I would be as strong as you have been OP

It sounds to me as if this is only the start of things to come. I'll assume you imagine you can save him from his demons, he'll fall sobbing into your arms telling you about his dreadful past, you'll stroke his hair and make him feel all better.......until the next time. He sounds disordered in some way OP and this 'break up' may have actually been well planned. Some disordered people find the drama a real turn on, once you kiss and make up he knows it's something he can do over and over again, he's got you. Please be careful, he may not be who he is appearing to be

Well done. You are handling it very well x

Hi Rhubarb. Only you know if it's a relationship worth fighting for. None of us know how he's been before but you certainly don't cite any terrible behaviour beforehand. So it sounds as though his biggest mistake was telling you he didn't want to be together with you while on holiday. In that case of course he and you deserve an opportunity to see if you can work things through. I certainly wouldn't just pack my bags and walk away, especially if he is willing to talk things through with you.

It's easy to say LTB and All that but relationships are a partnership and that includes forgiveness and kindness and understanding. Sure it might not work out and I'd be first in line to say don't let him treat you bad. But yeah, I would 100% be giving him a chance and yourself one to talk things through.

Thanks for the update cos I think we all feel a little invested in the thread. I hope you find a happy conclusion whatever that may be.

You were right to hear him out as it has been a good relationship until now. I hope things work out for you.

Don't try so hard saving him while all
you achieve is destroying yourself.

If you had not been cooped up in an apartment and on holiday, would this conversation have happened?

You love him, however he doesn't feel the same about you. He is not your project and prolonging this is going to ruin you.

I wish you well Rhubarb, I do.

But I do believe this will be your new pattern with him.

I very kindly urge you to look into a therapist to dig into why you choose damaged men.

Please re-read @LovePoppy & @timeforachange123 posts, they are spot on. Please look after yourself OP, this is not normal behaviour.

It is interesting that all this happens when you are away. Just you and him in a, place of his choosing as opposed to in a huge complex where you would have options to really leave him to it. I'd think very carefully about why he has waited till you are isolated in this way to dump all his angst on you.

I think he is an abusive prick who is grooming you Again please look at Freedom Programme when you return. All you have said suggests you are likely to be targeted by abusers

They don't all operate in the same way but the results are the same.

Thanks for the replies. I can 100% guarantee he is not grooming me nor an abuser in any way shape or form.
Because I haven't put on here that I have returned home immediately some people aren't happy, that doesn't make him some terribke person. It means he was totally wrong and put of order on how he dealt with things and yes I'm not happy about it as I've explained. Because I've talked to him seems to equate to 'I've jumped straight back into his arms'
I'm trying to explain his reasons, then I'll decide what to do. I do appreciate all points of view though.

Holiday about over, sob story get back together repeat. Pattern hes looking for here

No reason fron what you said to do this on your holiday. Sounds a pathetic little boy

Expect more of the same if you get back together. Expect it at particular times such as Xmas and bank holidays when it's difficult to rearrange anything

@rhubarb39 I think you need to do what is best for you.

However it makes me sad that you have had this terrible bolt out of the blue and he is the one having ‘breakdowns’. Please focus on your own wellbeing in all of this.

I wish you well.

Whatever you decide just keep in mind that he was happy to walk out on someone he ‘loved’ and he has shown you how he deals with conflict.

That is very important when it comes to you deciding if you want a man who does this as a life line partner.

It’s weird, the curious part of me would be desperate to understand what his motivations were to think that’s an appropriate course of behaviour.

The self respecting part of me would be throwing his bags out with a baggage tag that said “fuck off back home and leave me alone”.

In reality it seems you’ve done a measured version of both. Don’t let him back in though.

Op, people arent happy as you say because they are removed from the situation and can see what he is doing. You are too close to see it for what it is.

He is not a good person. He will make you doubt yourself, adapt your behaviour, make many needless allowances for him, because you will try to avoid his tantrums. It is all about control.

You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. This IS him. And you didnt enjoy this holiday. You do not like this about him. Because you shouldnt.

Good grief people have condemned your partner very quickly.

Based on what you've said OP, it doesn't appear that you have had any issues up to this point and have absolutely no concerns that he is generally abusive. I think you should be respected enough to take that at face value cos I sure as hell don't live with you or know your circumstances!!

Based on all that he made a bad decision. That's all. If you guys work through that then great. If you don't but you get answers. Also great. Yes be aware of the future but honestly I think it sounds like you have things under control for now.

Nobody can guarantee that someone else is not an abuser. Ever. He may or may not be but you'd be foolish to rule anything out definitively at this stage. You posted first about your feeling devestated. Since then he has turned it around into being all about him. And, as I said when you were isolated.

Freddom Programme will help all women ans girls. It is worth doing regardless of whether you are in a relationship, and even if it is a healthy one.

Finally, just because we think we understand why a man is behaving in a particular way ( and try to understand) doesn't mean it is not abusive. Abuse is not ways obvious or loud or violent

Glad you feel better after talking to your friend OP.

One thing that jumped out at me (and reminded me of a couple of Exes) is that he ''read you wrong''. So basically, he has taken something you did and given it a more negative interpretation of something you have done. And when you try and set him straight, ie, *no, I did x,y,z because I felt a,b,c'' he won't accept that? He knows better than you do what you think? Or thought?

This sounds like a no win situation for you.

My xh used to do this, and when I had another bf years later, our first fight was when he took something I had said and gave it a completely different interpretation to what I had meant and then wouldn't accept that I knew better than he did why I had done what I had done (or said what I said). He was apparently a mind reader and the final arbiter of the true meaning of my thoughts, words and deeds. I thought, oh here we go again, and I ended what had been up until that one argument a lovely fledgeling relationship. But I guess that can be when you discover a lot about people.

What your xbf has done is bizarre though, you are using up all of your leave on this 'gig'. What happens if when you get back you want to use leave for the inevitable practicalities that come with splitting up. He's being very odd.

You will never feel secure with him again .
So if he didn't mean it he ruined your precious holiday and caused you days of anguish for what ?
He's clearly a very important person , much more important than you .
He's got you right where he wants you now though hasn't he?
Maybe the next special occasion you have together you should have a breakdown , then you'll see if the compassion and forgiveness works both ways .

''Tooearly he's got some issues yes.. Its very hard to try and understand too so I've told him I sympathise but clearly can't help his feelings as it's how he feels (as he tells me)''

You sound way to emotionally mature for him. You understand that if you're not doing anything selfish or hurtful that you are NOT responsible for his feelings. He meanwhile is making YOU responsible for all of his feelings. He is outsourcing his low self-esteem to you.

I had an xbf like this. The one who was lovely up until our first row and then gave my thoughts, words and deeds different interpretations from the ones I intended. And wouldn't be set straight! Because he was a mindreader.

Because he wasn't a brash narcissist, I thought he was a lovely man, and he was until we were emotionally intimate then he made me responsible for his feelings which there was no clue of to begin with.

Yes he's made your holiday all about him, and has now ensured you'll pander to his 'angst' ridden breakdowns.

This is why posters urged you to leave, to send him a clear message that you won't tolerate his shoddy behaviour.

You stayed, and are now embroiled in a melodrama in which he has starring role.

I am so sorry to read this and completely agree with the PP who said, it's not you, it's him.

@MarianaMoatedGrange Has expressed it really well. ^ It's really difficult to see things clearly when you are inside all the drama.

The sooner you get your head around seeing this as a lucky escape and realise that he has done you a favour, the better. Disengage

Living well is the only good revenge, but oh how sweet it is. All the best.

I would probably have done exactly the same in your shoes, rhubarb39. Knowing what went wrong would help clarify things for me. And give me closure (I used to hate that word but I've come to see how useful it can be).

And I can kind of see why the breakup was so badly timed. You were on holiday, just the two of you. Time for romance and uninterrupted intimacy. But he just wasn't feeling it. Felt he was being fake acting as if everything was blissful. He couldn't handle pretending. So he felt he had to break up with you, however crap the timing.

Still a shitty thing to do.