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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
PepePig · 03/10/2019 12:52

OP, don't seek revenge.

When you date someone for 9 months and they make no effort to make it 'official', then you can't be surprised that he ended things in the way he did. If he wanted a relationship he would have spoke to his manager/HR to get approval, and offered a department/team switch to make it work. He didn't. He didn't have any intention of it lasting. You took a risk with him, and it didn't pay off.

Going to HR is only going to drag this out. It's over. Accept it's over. Now, don't get me wrong. Going to HR if he was sexually harassing you within the workplace, controlling you via sexual relations etc is a completely different situation. Going to HR in that situation would be appropriate. But you consented to having sexual relations with him. You can't run to HR now that things haven't gone your way. Remember, things were more than likely in your favour over those 9 months. He probably was more lenient on you than your colleagues do to your relationship. Is that fair on them? No. Did they run to HR to complain? No.

If you can't work with him, then move. Go for a promotion, better pay elsewhere, etc. Make it a positive job move for you, not just running away from the guy that fucked you over. Or be professional and deal with him in a work-only manner. He might ask for a move for himself, anyway.

Focus on the future. Stirring up the past is only going to discredit yourself within your company. He very well may have broke code of conduct by seeing you, but you did the same. You might as well protect your professional identity and work around your heartbreak, than let everyone know that, to put it bluntly, you sleep with colleagues and then when it doesn't go your way, you want them sacked. It really isn't a good thing to be known as.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 03/10/2019 13:02

Like I said in my first post move on stop putting yourself through it, if he didn't take the time to end things respectfully then don't expect him to be respectful now move on and stop giving it so much of your time 💐

Slowchirp · 03/10/2019 13:03

Sorry op, he is horrible. Why can't some men behave decently? How can they be so cold? I can't see any reason barr being diagnosed with a terminal illness or something (and even then ...) that justifies this awful behaviour.

Hold your head up high op Flowers

Agree you shouldn't let him have it both ways. Be absolutely professional but make it clear that work calls are for work hours ONLY. And I don't see why you should be the one giving up your job either.

crappyday2018 · 03/10/2019 13:12

I wouldn't be surprised if he has met someone else. Rather than just completely end things with you, he's hedging his bets to see how the other one pans out. Also explains his utterly ridiculous explanation.
Either way, this guy is clearly not the full shilling and you've had a lucky escape.
If I were you, I just would not speak to him on a personal level at all. Do your work, be professional but block him on all other channels.

something2say · 03/10/2019 18:11

Whatever the true outcome is, as someone upthread said, he is no longer keen and that means having feelings for him makes her vulnerable as they do not seem to be reciprocated.

That's the hurtful part.

Huge hugs, a cup of tea and hot bath and bed xxx unless you're going out of course!!

zafferana · 03/10/2019 18:19

This is why you should NEVER fuck people you work with ....

TatianaLarina · 03/10/2019 18:36

After me not buying that at all he basically launched into this story about how he was a terrible person and a sociopath and he worried he had manipulated me into thinking he was a kind and open person so that I would have sex with him. How someone strings that kind of deception over 9 months I have no idea, but I actually feel worse after that conversation.

He gave you a spiel, you didn’t buy it so he told you the truth.

He’s not ‘worried’ that he has manipulated you into thinking he’s nicer than he is, he’s just telling you straight his MO, while trying to make himself sound like has more scruples than he does. He just wants to get rid of you now.

So - no ‘pause’ or ‘revisit’ - from your side, it’s done.

Nikhedonia · 03/10/2019 18:45

This must be such a shock.

Don't let him see that he's upset you, head held high, move on.

Actionhasmagic · 03/10/2019 19:01

His explanation is soooo coooomplicated!! He’s being hedgey. I was in this same situation and it turned into an abusive relationship for years. I recommend ending it - I didn’t have the strength to until it got really bad.

twinnywinny14 · 03/10/2019 19:25

I actually could have written the original post myself! about 7yrs ago I was involved with a man not directly my boss but heavily involved with my workplace for a few months. He picked me up and put me down, didnt know how he felt then was really into me, this continued until one day he just stopped. Despite feeding me a load of’this is just a terrible time for me’ bollocks and me continuing to be there to help himetc etc I got bored and realised that I deserved better. Yes I was heartbroken but met my now DH 8 months later and soon forgot about him! He however is still single despite several failed relationships so I’m guessing it wasn’t me it was him after all!! Stay away OP he will draw you back in feeling sorry for him and string you along because you are hoping it will all turnout ok. Cut the ties and move on, ASAP

Elieza · 03/10/2019 23:02

Remain dignified, say nothing to anyone about this matter, talk to him the bare minimum at work ONLY if you have to, otherwise ignore. Ice queen him.
Don’t tell anyone about you and him. There is no point and it will achieve nothing. Start looking for a better job. That guys a total arse. You are better. Rise above his nonsense. He can boo hoo as much as he wants but you dont need him. Now or in the future when he realises you were the best thing that happened to him in a long time. And he let you go.
He can play his own tiny sympathy violin as he surfs on a sea of utter pish. F’wit that he is.

ThatCurlyGirl · 04/10/2019 08:41

Nothing in writing to him now OP. Keep all messages to date but draw a line under sending any or replying to any.

He sounds like an arsehole yes, so you don't want to put yourself in any more a vulnerable situation than you are.

Chin up, onwards and upwards - you need to decide over the next few weeks if you feel able to stay there or if it's time to look for a new chapter.

It's all very well people saying to you it's ridiculous to leave a job over something like this but only you know if it will be at the expense at your happiness or work output / quality of work. Good luck OP Thanks

Original poster
thisisnotanappy · 04/10/2019 09:05

Thank you for all your replies.

Writing this thread is the best thing I have done.

He has asked me for lunch today. I really don't want to have to go and have another conversation about this where he tells me things which hurt me. I can see that he is worried and he wants things to go back to normal at work. When I said no to lunch, he said we needed to talk about work too and that I couldn't "drop the ball."

How do you suggest I behave or what do I say over lunch? I would really like to limit the hurt that I feel every time we have a conversation. Although every time we speak and he wants to talk about it I always get pulled into wanting to explain my feelings and get some kind of explanation from him. I don't know how to stop wanting that.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 04/10/2019 09:08

Don't go to lunch with him. If he wants to talk about work you can have a meeting, in the office, in work hours.

You're entitled to a lunch break and you (presumably) don't get paid for it.

You're not dropping the ball. You're remaining professional. He dropped the ball.

twinnywinny14 · 04/10/2019 09:08

I would say no to much, if you need to discuss work together then do it at work

mummmy2017 · 04/10/2019 09:26

Ok being honest here, protect your job.
Go to HR tell them you were in a relationship with your boss, that he is now behaving oddly.
Say you both spent a weekend with your parents. This means you have proof it was more than just sex.

That he wanted to split, you were fine with this, but he is making some odd comments about you dropping the ball.
Then just ask them what you should do!
Don't go into any more detail.
If they try just say you do not think that is relevant .

0lga · 04/10/2019 09:27

Yes, I agree. Have a work meeting In the office to talk about work.

By “ drop the ball “ he means “ I hope you aren’t going to show me up by telling everyone I’ve been shagging you in secret “.

Don’t give the satisfaction of any sincere assurances . Be cool and breezy “ yes I agree, it was silly mistake, let’s forget it “.

Don’t let him ramp up the drama. You don’t need to hear any angst about his feelings - let him talk to his therapist. Men find it really hard to accept that you are withdrawing your emotional labour.

bluebell34567 · 04/10/2019 09:30

agree with AmIThough, he dropped the ball.
dont go to lunch with him. he can talk business at work.

bluebell34567 · 04/10/2019 09:32

put strict boundaries from now on.

Orangepearl · 04/10/2019 09:35

No he has been inconsiderate and rude to you. Don’t go to lunch as he could use this as proof and more drama that you are devastated by his loss of attention to HR.

AnneKipanki · 04/10/2019 09:55

Do not go to lunch .

mummmy2017 · 04/10/2019 09:58

And what if he can't work with OP and sets her up to be sacked?
Go to HR get it recorded, that is what they are for.

AnneKipanki · 04/10/2019 09:59

How dare he say you are dropping the ball.

If he has an issue with your work now ...it is not open for discussion during your lunch hour . Time should be set aside and there should be a witness.
I think you might need to go to HR if this is not acceptable to him .

BlingLoving · 04/10/2019 10:01

I'd be very very worried now. Agree with others - if he wants to talk about work, you can do that in the office in a normal meeting room. But I'm concerned re his suggestions that you're "dropping the ball".

You definitely need to protect yourself at this point. I THINK you start in a slightly better position because he is your superior which means that any sexual contact that is inappropriate is usually him taking advantage. But I think you need to be careful.

I'm not sure if it's quite time to go to HR, but it is DEFINITELY time to make sure you are very clear about what's happened. Spend tim this weekend detailing your activities together, how you got together, public events (with dates) at which you attended. Make sure you write down what you remember about what you felt and how this relationship wasn't just about sex etc. Also take a fresh look at any work projects over the last few months and really think honestly about whether they were appropriate for you and whether any positive/negative feedback was fair. You need to be very clear in your own head about how you, at least, were keeping work and personal separate.

TatianaLarina · 04/10/2019 10:06

As others said do not go to lunch.

Be clear about your boundaries: it’s over, thus no more social chitchat at work.

Anything work related you communicate in the normal way.

You will never get more of an explanation than you have already have.

Don’t explain your feelings to him because he doesn’t care - if he did he wouldn’t have treated you like this. He will not have an epiphany that he is an arsehole - he knows that and told you himself. Nor will he go back to being the person you thought he was as he can’t keep the act up any more.

Sharing your feelings will simply make you more vulnerable and lay you open to further accusations of ‘dropping the ball’ by which he really means reacting to his mistreatment.