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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

362 replies

thisisnotanappy · 02/10/2019 07:06

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/10/2019 06:17

He's ending it and blaming himself, and he's not wishing to tell you why.

I think if you wish to maintain respect in your workplace you need to handle it with discretion and grace.

It may not be someone has spoken to him, as he's not reiterated that. He was just using it as an excuse. And now he's a whole load more different excuses. The old it's not you it's me.

The bottom line is he no longer wish to continue with the relationship. The fact he says he feels "asexual" as a reason, would indicate he saw this more as a workplace fling rather than a serious relationship. It's interesting it came straight after a weekend with your parents.

RadishesAndLentils · 03/10/2019 06:17

He's become asexual since the weekend?

Agree with everyone else. Ice Queen and look for another job.

Ginger1982 · 03/10/2019 07:26

This ^^

How bizarre that he's suddenly come out with this!

AnneKipanki · 03/10/2019 07:31

What possumblossom said .

Just do your job . Maintain ice queen responses . Do not go back there ... asexual ... bloody liar .

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/10/2019 07:38

So, there you go. The fuull on Vlamont moment. He can't help it, he is a sociopath, asexual, blah, blah, blah. It is beyond his control.

That is designed to leave you feeling undermined, uncertain, angry and yet having no recourse cos the poor man is so angst ridden and blameless! It is happening to him too, you know!

Stop any talks about anythg other than work. Try very hard to act as though there has never been anything between you. Should he ever slip just look puzzled.

Basically you have to chalk this one up to experience and drop him like he is very, very hot. Don't let him dent your confidence. But there is fuck all you can do to make him talk to you about it. Just understand it, own it, and move on with as much dignity as you can muster, then fake it until it becomes the real you.

Best of luck with that, I know it is shit!

sheshootssheimplores · 03/10/2019 07:40

How can he claim to be asexual and then admit he manipulated you into bed? The two are at polar opposites. I would say there is someone else on the scene.

something2say · 03/10/2019 07:57

I really get that this is such a complete turnaround that it is a SHOCK!!!

How can he go from the weekend to this!!!

But the sociopath comment? That's the bit to hang onto.

The shock will fade. But my word.

How are you this morning op.

SleepyKat · 03/10/2019 08:03

launched into this story about how he was a terrible person

When someone tells you who they are listen.

AmIThough · 03/10/2019 08:06

Good luck today OP.
He still hasn't told you the real reason so you be the one to officially end it.

Go to work, look amazing, be amazing - stay professional.

Moondancer73 · 03/10/2019 08:12

Poor you. I'm guessing he's had a telling off from work but he totally owes you an explanation.

I've no idea why people keep suggesting he has a wife - I don't think he's married for one minute, nothing in your original post suggests that and if you've spent weekends together I think it's unlikely. Hopefully you get an explanation soon.

Carthage · 03/10/2019 08:25

I agree with the posters who say 'when someone tells you who they are, listen'. We're so programmed to seek out 'why' but with a man like this is not going to make you feel better. He turned his warmth off like a tap.

Can you imagine if you were married to this man and he did this? What about when you have a baby and had no sleep, or your parent dies, or you have a problem at work. It's a let off that it happened now, although it doesn't feel like it to you at the moment, I'm sure. Please try not to get involved with him at all, and I'd start looking for another job because you just can't trust this man, and he's your line manager! And definitely don't try and take revenge on him. He will win because he will fight dirtier and make you out to be crazy.

Dazedandconfusedmostdays · 03/10/2019 08:44

OP, read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder Flowers

TheNinkiestNonk · 03/10/2019 08:57

You've got your explanation.....weird as it is!
He sounds like too much hassle.....be glad in some ways it's worked out like this as you have had a glimpse of your future.
Tell him you think it's best you leave the sexual relationship and you hope you can carry on having a civil working relationship.
And do just that, bright, breezy and professional no matter how much you want to punch him inside haha.
He will be back begging soon OP.....remember you ice queen-ness and let him be someone else's problem

TheNinkiestNonk · 03/10/2019 08:59

And don't look for another job u less you really want to or can't handle it. Let it be his problem.

ChessIsASport · 03/10/2019 09:07

Be strong OP. You don’t need a man like this in your life. It would just mean years of drama and uncertainty.

Orangepearl · 03/10/2019 09:22

I say he is attracted to/seeing someone else and does not want a backlash/thinks you might accuse him of harassing you. Total selfish snake. Ignore him.

Spotsandstars · 03/10/2019 09:48

If a man won't fight for you, he's really isn't that into you and therefore not worth your time. Chalk the last 9 months up to a bad experience. Concentrate on areas of growth within yourself, your career etc.

Dazedandconfusedmostdays · 03/10/2019 09:52

If a man won't fight for you, he's really isn't that into you and therefore not worth your time

THIS! I learnt this the hardest way possible.

thesunwillout · 03/10/2019 10:39

Then you never ever give him your time, your mind your body or your heart again.

Arrogant twat.

I'm very excited for you, you need to find someone new, one day.

Scrumptiousbears · 03/10/2019 10:45

The chase is over and he got what he wanted. He is probably bored now. Take control and move on.

letsdolunch321 · 03/10/2019 11:08

How are you doing today OP?

combatbarbie · 03/10/2019 11:24

Well you doesn't suddenly become asexual.... Id just keep it cool and professional. And when he calls about work stuff outside of work just brush him off and say it will have to wait til morning when in work. Keep the distinction on your relationship now very clear.... Professional work colleagues and nothing more.

MiniPrawn · 03/10/2019 11:35

I’m sorry but if you decide to tell the office or HR out of revenge then you’re a shitty person

People are allowed to leave relationships. You were more than happy to be shagging him for the last 9 months when it was going your way, now he’s pretty much ended your “relationship”, you’re thinking of telling everyone just to hurt him? Who do you think you are, what do you want him to do? Continue sleeping with you out of fear you’ll tell everyone?

You’ve got your explanation. Life happens, relationships end, you should’ve thought about this before you first fell into bed with him

Accept his decision. You might not like it but tough. He’s not obliged to sleep with you ffs. If you can’t be professional about it then find another job. You can’t talk about sociopaths when you’re threatening to tell the office about him just because he’s ended things between you.

AnneKipanki · 03/10/2019 12:09

OP " feels like" taking revenge and telling the office he is awful...it does not mean she will do it .

Littleruderidinghood · 03/10/2019 12:28

Stop asking for explanations. His actions and tone have made in perfectly clear he isn't interested. As harsh as it sounds - head high like the queen that your are. Go into work looking great and own your shit. Be polite, kind and caring and just get on with it. Cry and fall apart, but don't let him or anyone else see that. Talk to us, friends and family. Leave him be now. And, look for another job.

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