Think I've been suddenly dumped. in shock, please help me do the right thing

[thisisnotanappy]

I feel sick.

I have been dating someone at work for the past 9 months, sleeping together, going to each other’s houses, meeting friends etc. We work very closely together, ie every day in detail and proximity, texting frequently. Boundaries are often a bit foggy but he is senior to me and can tell me what to do. Work doesn’t know.

Up until tonight everything had been very positive, no hint of an issue.

Tonight I had dinner with a family member and replied to a thread about a work issue when I had finished. He responded, as he was still in the office. I then texted him privately asking if he wanted to spend the night together. He replied “not sure.”

I said “why?” He said “I don’t think it’s appropriate. Sorry.” Suddenly extremely formal. I thought he was joking and texted back laughing emojis. No response. I called him, he didn’t pick up. I texted him again what’s going on? He said “sorry, it’s just not appropriate. “

He eventually called me an hour later and his tone of voice sounded normal. He said “please just leave me alone, I want to go to bed.” I said what’s going on it’s like you’ve just had a 180 degree turn. He said, “no I am just very busy, stop overthinking.” I said I am not overthinking. Things seem to have changed. Either we are dating or not, which is it?

He said “I don’t know. Please just leave me alone and get on with your work. We have lots to do.” I said “what do you mean! Please explain?” He said “life is complex. Please leave me be.”

I am reeling. It feels like a cruel joke except there is no joke. There is no explanation, no reason for this sudden turn around and we spent the weekend together with my parents and we woke up together on Monday morning.

I have to go into work with him in two hours, take his instructions and just carry on like normal, but I can’t. He has completely changed the tone and the whole plan in the click of his fingers.

I can’t get my head around it. I keep wracking my brains for something I must have done or said to get this formal reaction. I’m assuming that if he no longer wanted to go out with me he would have told me.

The change of tone feels absolutely cruel, like only someone who wanted to punish someone else would do. It is completely out of character for him.

What would you think and what would you do? I am paralysed, I can't go into work.

Please don't take revenge in the way you're thinking this. Don't mention his awfulness to anyone at all. He'll take his revenge in return by "proving" that you were harassing him. The greatest revenge is to live your best life. Move on. But do not ever make yourself available to him - ever again. Make sure that ship has sailed. Brisk politeness is the best approach. Like I said above, he is clearly unworthy of your headspace, and he has now demonstrated that again. Don't look for a sensible or even remotely credible explanation - there are three words that cover it: he's a tool. Colleague-zone him. It may be hard at first but it will come naturally sooner than you'd think.

Oh gosh, who knows what twisted thinking is going on in his head to come out with that. Tread carefully, you wouldn't want him to get vindictive or weird, he's sounds like he's in an odd place.

I'd go with a breezy and cheerful, "No worries, sounds like the most sensible thing all round to knock things on the head. All the best".

Then keep things utterly professional while you privately recover from what he's put you through. If he tries to resume things, don't.

Just get rid.

I actually feel worse after that conversation. I actually feel like I want to take revenge or just tell everyone at work what a fucking awful person he is

It’s entirely understandable that you’re feel like that. Of course you are angry and hurt, you obviously cared for him and he’s treated you very badly.

Feel free to plot all the terrible things you can do to hurt him. Just as long as you don’t act on any of these thought, let them be your dark fantasies.

Because the person who will come off worst will undoubtably be you and not him. You will look like a bunny boiler and you will jeopardise your job. Read what Turnedouttoes posted.

Talk to your friends and family about this if you want but don’t tell anyone at work. Stay professional there at all times.

I know you don’t feel it now, but a few months down the line you will be glad you found out now what a shit he is.

What a POS.
Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet, move onto bigger and better things (job included).

I agree with sleepwarrior ...say "No worries, sounds like the most sensible thing all round to knock things on the head. All the best".

Inside and at home you can cry and grieve what you thought you had, then move on. I give it 3 months and he'll chase again, but you need to be a grey rock to him.

He is putting you on the backburner while he tries it on with somebody else, being cold and elusive hoping you will start to be needy so he can have his pick.

Dump him.

Sounds like he could have somebody else in his sights so is pushing you away.

Whatever the reason for this sudden personality change, you deserve better. Tell him you're not going to wait around for him to decide whether he can be arsed with you or not and take matters into your own hands. Dump his pathetic ass!

A) Everything he fed you in that latest update was bullshit!

B) Block him and to into work with your head held high and never entertain the idea of being with him again! Keep every conversation strictly professional.

I will translate: it's run its course and he'd like to have sex with other people now.

Shut that window ice queen. And get your tiara on. Fuck him!

He is a using tool, try and give him no more headspace. Cool and calm.

Oh god what a bellend! He sounds incredibly self absorbed. Dump and leave him to it. It’s a real shame you have to work so closely together but I would be as icy as possible from now on. That is the weirdest load of bullshit he’s fed you and while I totally understand the temptation for revenge or pushing for a fuller explanation I think the answer is he’s just a monumental twat

It sounds to me that he's chasing some other office skirt. She's asked 'well what about OP?' (guaranteed your relationship isn't as under wraps as you think it is, people do pick up on these things) and now he's doing the scorched earth thing. She wants me, I'm not interested, all that bollox.
That last message is probably the most honest he's been with anybody in a long time!
Close the door, and hold your head up. Anything else will just feed into his narrative. Sod that.
(Longtime lurker, first time poster, tl;dr...LTB)

Oh god you poor thing what an horrendous shock, he's just totally pulled the rug out from under you.

This has to be it though. He's not who you thought he was and that's that.

Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't bother chasing him down for some bullshit explanation. The appalling way he's treated her says all she needs to know. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

^^

This.

Move on.

He sounds totally deranged to be honest

Bullet dodged.

I'd treat him with the utmost professionalism, if he tries any can we chat over dinner BS, just shut him down and down and say 'you are being inappropriate'

When someone tells you they are a sociopath, take them at their word and run a mile.

He certainly u-turned and went cold on you like a cluster b personality would. Then gaslighted you by acting like he had done nothing wrong too.

You see what he is now at least. Take this opportunity to clearly end it. And start looking for a new job asap.

That's such a weird thing for him to say! "Put a pause on it and revisit it later"? So, he's expecting you to wait around for him, like a good little lapdog? Fuck that.

I wouldn't bother chasing him down for some bullshit explanation. The appalling way he's treated her says all she needs to know. Good riddance to bad rubbish

^^this.

This reminds me of the bullshit I got after my ex fiancé dumped me over online messenger . Something along the lines of ‘I wish I hadn’t led you on’ led me on? You bought me a fcking ring!
He was cheating on me

I actually feel like I want to take revenge or just tell everyone at work what a fucking awful person he is.

Good plan, If messing up your career is an ambition

Taking revenge because he did not spend the night with you ? Grow up @thisisnotanappy

He sounds like he has something worrying him and tbh you sound like a spoilt brat having a tantrum.

He does sound like a psychopath. And predatory.

I really thought it would turn out his boss pulled him up or that he was really married. One of the typical things... but no...we got a crazy one!

Could it be he was manipulating your for his own gain?
He is your superior and it would be very likely he'd be sacked.
Especially if one of his career goals is to bed all the women in the office.

You know the political environment of your workplace better than any of us.

There was always going to be a risk in this kind of work place relationship situation and now you’re paying the price.

Don’t mess up your career in pursuit of the fictional closure.

Sociopath my arse. He does, however, sound like a complete bell-end.
99.9 per cent certain somebody else on the scene or who he has his eye on.
Move on.