Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Fake profile guy has really given me a shake. Bizarre (and funny in a wtaf way). Ugh what a creep.
Going to be very cautious about how much info I share or invest before meeting.
Not that I particularly overshare or anything. Would it be weird if me to ask them to send me a selfie at the outset?.

A few phrases, that some seem to trot out, now cause me to shut the conversation down. Not sure if I’m just being a killjoy but I’m not here for “banter,” and I really don’t want to hear tales of things women have propositioned them or be sent screenshots of women’s profiles to show me that there are “slim pickings.”

I find that odd. Trying not to become jaded or give up hope but can someone remind me that there are decent men out there? Maybe OLD is not right for me.

hairy good luck. Like the sound of your strategy
love he sounds an awful lot like my narc/abusive ex. He did come running as soon as he heard I’d moved on, so be ready for that.
echo it took me about a month after Mr Fireman to genuinely be interested at the thought of someone else. I sometimes think if I knew then (when I met him) what I know now, and have learned on here things with him might have taken a different turn, but que sera.

@Ant330 All going well with MrC - 6 months now, and my best Tinder find, in fact he was the only one I ever met via Tinder 🤷‍♀️

I still love him lots, he still won't say he loves me, but I know he does. Meh, I'll live with it for the moment . I'm not going to lose what I've got with him for the sake of 3 little words. He'll get there eventually (so he keeps telling me when I have the odd barbed dig over it - I'm only human 😳). We see each other a few times a week sometimes alone, sometimes my DD tags along and we make a weekend of it. We still message each other as much as ever and talk on the phone loads. Never seem to run out of things to talk about. He calls me his "partner" when he talks to friends and family about me - I still call him my BF - to me partners live together and share more than we do, but who knows what the future will bring in that regard. 🤞😂

Hello all! new poster here
I'm actively dating, using dating apps, live in London and just really curious as to how other people manage this weird landscape. I'm 37, was in a longterm relationship which ended a few years ago, have only felt up to dating properly in the past year. Have had a few weird experiences, think I've got better at sorting the wheat from the chaff. It seems really hard to find someone who I like and fancy, who fancies me and where our goals are aligned. I guess this is not unusual though...

What I would really love to ask other women is how soon do you find you are expected to have a snog?! I've been surprised how quickly someone I still feel is a basically a stranger is expecting a kiss. I've also been surprised how strongly I have not wanted to kiss them feeling quite vommy at the idea sometimes. Recently I diverted a kiss, saying I wasn't in that place yet and he was understandably a but freaked out by it, I said that it can take women a bit longer to get to know someone and he went on to tell me how not all women at all, in fact most are all over it all the time, gagging for it in fact!! Is this the case? Do I need to relax and pucker up? Even if I don't really fancy them?

@KhaleesiTargaryen No you're not being a killjoy that sort of stuff is well out of order and pretty uncouth. We've all got amusing dating tales but ... that's all too much and not actually part of the getting to know you bit at all.

Bumble has a thing where you verify yourself with a selfie and you get a little blue tick and a 'Photo verified status'. It's easy to do so I don't see why people don't do it ... oh hang on ! I do, now ! It's so they can pretend to be Bradley Cooper

@ditherwood don't do anything you don't want to do, that bloke sounds creepy and pushy. Good instincts.

I do what feels right on a date. Sometimes it's kiss, sometimes it's more, oftentimes nothing but an arm squeeze or a hug to say goodbye.

Who cares what everyone else does? Just do what you are comfortable and happy with.

Thanks @MoreNiceCereal you're right. I suppose I just feel a lot of pressure around it and unsure what I'm up against in terms of how other women handle this stuff at my age. I feel like a teenager in terms of figuring out dating and being single again but also really clear about my physical boundaries.

After that I agreed to go out with him the following week again because I hadn't been able to think of an excuse fast enough, Then got stuck on a packed tube with him while he kept touching me and I had a major panic attack. I like a lot about him but there's zero physical attraction, I was hoping it would grow but I don't think it will.

😂 hairy thanks. Yes, I’ll be using that feature from now on!!

Nothing against Bill Murray - he’s just not my type 😂

Well I think I can safely say my date has had what he wanted and is moving on to the next one. Texting is definitely less frequent and the conversation isn’t as easy as it was. Still saying he wants to see me again but my gut is saying otherwise. Urgh x

@ditherwood I didn’t kiss Mr C til two weeks in because I was very nervous.

@Lollyjack I've kissed on a first date but usually more like second. By that point I know if I like them enough.

@SBD1 that's good to hear, how many dates in was that? I'm finding they think second date is 100% guaranteed snog time

@ditherwood
First date at comic con
2nd date at cinema
3rd date he came to mine and we watched thor, he stayed over cuddles only
4th date I stayed at his Wednesday night a week later and we played games
5th date stayed at his the Thursday night and I kissed him in bed on the Friday morning

He said yesterday he thought I was never going to do it and I just wanted someone to hang out with haha

@ditherwood I'd never kiss someone if I didn't fancy them. If I do fancy them I like to kiss on the first date to test chemistry.

@SBD1 it sounds like you found a good one there : ) It's really nice that things went at a pace you were comfortable with

@Notcoolmum I haven't so far kissed anyone I haven't fancied but have felt pressure to. I was hoping recently that attraction might go with a guy whose personality I like but wasn't attracted to. When he went to kiss me I literally recoiled.

I never kissed on the first date, always on second. But I only ever went on a second date with someone I wanted to kiss. Actually that's not strictly true but more or less! We're all different. A male friend doesn't kiss on third date, but he's not doing very well. Kiss when you're ready and want to. The right person will respect that.

Thanks for asking @jesuis. I lurk but don’t have as much time since I started a new job and I’m just really busy. Plus I don’t have much to say! 8 months plus with Mr Unsuitable. Who is still ridiculously unsuitable. For those who don’t know he’s 15 years younger among other majorly unsuitable characteristics. We just seem to like each other more and more, which is odd as I remember nearly not bothering to see him again after date 2. And also as I only really met him because I thought it would be interesting and make a good date tale. I certainly wasn’t about to embark on my first relationship in 15 years, not with him or anyone really, but here we are. It can’t really go anywhere, but we don’t need it to. We’re both very self reliant. He’s met my kids a couple of times, but we don’t all hang out together. I’ve started seeing him on all three childfree nights. I don’t know when or how it will end but it will do at some point. And that’s ok for both of us. I’ll be gutted but nothing is permanent. I even passed the fidelity test. An old friend/flame who got in touch after about 30 years came to see me and there was no way I was going to even snog him despite an entire lifetime of thinking of him as the one that got away. And the only reason was Mr U. Oh and his business is still always apparently a disaster, only it isn’t anymore he’s just an overly dramatic Meditteranean.

Anyway I'm lurking furiously!

I mean I fancied him straight away but it was my first date in ten years and he’s literally beautiful and was totally out of my league (still is)

I had no idea how to date. Yesterday he confirmed he had let me go at the pace I wanted to

@ditherwood that happened
To me once. I'd had a nice evening. He was good looking. But he went to hug me and my body literally jumped. Like an electric shock. I didn't expect it. Chemistry is odd.

@ditherwood a snog (or anything else) shouldn’t be expected, saying that, I managed about forty minutes on our first date. I’m punching so I wanted to make full use of what was on offer!

@peanutthedz I'm going on second dates with people I don't instantly fancy as I'm trying not to rule people out on a first date, I'm not sure this is the best strategy as I'm fairly instrintive but also trying to give people more of a chance than I would have ten years ago. I suppose I reckon they might be nervous first time and it takes people time to get to know each other...It's not exactly working, but it's good to hear that it's ok to take my time and do what feels comfortable thank you. I've been beating myself up for not being "up for it" enough while all other ladeez on the apps are apparently rampant

@SBD1 good for you if you also really fancied him and held off!! and I'm sure he's not out of your league at all otherwise you wouldn't be together plus he valued you enough to recognise that you needed to go at your own pace and didn't pressure you. Bravo to you both!

@Notcoolmum exactly what happened to me! Chemistry is so strange and unpredictable

@SimonJT good to hear it's not expected. I've been stressing that I'm just not up to speed with what should be happening. Also, it doesn't sound like you're punching, your date sounded happy to oblige!

@khaleesi how unnerving. If you can find the guy in Texas I'd email him to let him know. I have had the same happen to me and in the end helped uncover a guy doing a major catfish. The victim really appreciated me contacting him. I had another recent iron whose name I've forgotten who also had someone catfish with his photos. He works in a fairly prominent role so was an easy victim.

@EchoElephant we are not worthy. You did so well!

I'm trying to work out how we use Echo as thread speak. Doing an echo just doesn't sound grand enough.

@saltysally I think I will, that’s a good idea. I have found him on Facebook. I reported it too (to bumble). Funnily enough, I’ve been chatting for a couple of days to someone on a different app so did an image search on him and the name checks out but it’s the same pic as his firm use on their website. 🤔 so his professional photo....

Thank you @saltysally
Not sure I'd recommend lying in wait for someone so you can confront them about their shitty behaviour. It could've gone very wrong.
However, I do prefer to speak to someone face to face. You can see their reactions and get a better idea if they're being truthful. And they can see your anger/hurt/sadness.
Mr FO looked very, very shocked at what I was saying. Like he hadn't even considered that his behaviour would upset me. I hope that has made him think twice about doing it to someone else.

I'm having a break from OLD madness but no doubt I'll be back

So so tired after first day. Came home to stbx putting kids to bed and had major wobble because he wasn't here for me. Excerpt he actually offered support and probably would have given whatever i asked for but I've waited years for him to support me and now that he's finally doing it after cheating on me it all just feels hollow and meaningless so i didn't ask even though i desperately wanted and needed support. I feel very alone.
I'm not broken over it though. Just massively overwhelmed. I am enough.

There a subsidised gym at work. I joined today. Lots of very fit ying men. Nice for eye candy if nothing else. I think ad long add i stay away from people in my team it will be fine. There's also lots of visiting staff from other offices etc so opportunities aplenty if i can screw my courage to the sticking place.