Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

*pointed out

Really? Like totally different? I am really intrigued.......

Find some pictures of a random woman on google, then send them as your recent pictures

The last couple of weeks have really made me think life is too short to wait for lightning to strike again and that I needed to venture into the eye of the storm, to at the very least desensitise myself to it all !

So I decided to follow the @JeSuisPrest model for dealing with heartbreak and managed to line up a few dates for last weekend and this week. This is the first time in my life multi-dating and I am trying to deal with things sensitively and not lead anyone on. What this means in theory is that I am looking to make decisions after one or two dates with each and not get involved in anything physical in the meantime, and keep things light.

In practice I'm wondering if that's all up the swanny as the first date in the series was really good. Miss Sphinx, so called because I only had a headshot and a couple of light messages to go on, turned out to be outstandingly lovely, really intelligent, really beautiful and there was a nice warm chemistry between us. Not the white hot stuff I'd previously experienced with MsM&M but definitely something very good to go on. A second date has been arranged very promptly too.

That was not meant to be the first date but the aptly named Miss Bounce was involved in a car crash and had to postpone.

The remaining first date is tomorrow with Miss Bunker and that one has been accompanied by some slightly too affectionate messaging but hopefully the meeting in person thing will just reveal that to be her personality (and nothing wrong with that either).

@hairyarsedman I'm really wary of affectionate messaging pre-date but hopefully that is her personality like you said.

It's taken 8 weeks for Mr C to affectionately message me haha

I just did a reverse image search and he’s using pics of some guy in Nashville 🙄
So, don’t laugh, but I’m medically qualified and know a few things about genetics and the first indisputable difference (thinking ok even if the last few years have been hard and really ravaged you) is he suddenly has ear lobes! 😂😂😂
So I replied saying did you just fucking grow earlobes overnight?? Waste of space and time.

How hilariously pathetic, @KhaleesiTargaryen.

Come on @KhaleesiTargaryen, give him a chance...

@KhaleesiTargaryen oh I’m so sorry he’s turned out to be a wrong ‘un but the earlobes thing just made me laugh like a drain what a total idiot.

@HairyArsedMan oh miss bounce somehow conjured up an image of mr bump from the Mr men.
I’m not sure how I’d manage multi dating either, it must require a change in mindset. I’m intrigued about the “too affectionate” texts.
You mean like pet names or things like sweet dreams etc?

Grrr. I feel like an idiot. Suckered in. I’m guessing he’s married hence the cloak and dagger.
But trying to convince me after I said that’s a totally different guy!!
Image searches all the way from now on!! 😂😂

Oh nuts just been on Bumble and my iron has unmatched me , possibly because I asked him to change the date of our coffee. This means there’s only Mr Sash in the picture now...i think after this I’ll come off the apps for a bit.

@FMFL Are you whatsapp with him? Some folk just unmatch after that. Saves on the paranoia for all parties

Thanks everyone. I admit I was terrified about confronting him in person, at work. But sometimes a text isn't enough. And gives you some wiggle room to think about how to reply.
I calmly explained how hurtful he had been. He had no excuses for his behaviour. He admitted he'd been wrong and apologised.

I said he needed to think about how he treats others, then told him I wasn't wasting any more of my time on him and walked away. I was shaking and trying not to cry but I was determined to look confident as I walked as quickly as possible, trying not to trip up.

I'm actually proud of myself for standing up for myself for once. Six months ago I would've let him talk me round to being friends again.

KhaleesiTargaryen sorry but that made me laugh, especially the bit about the earlobes. Did he honestly think you wouldn't notice his appearance had changed?

Reverse image searches, putting their phone number into facebook, general google - I've done them all and discovered a fair few liars.

HairyArsedMan good luck with your new dates.
I was wondering whether or not to get straight back on the apps after Mr FO. But I'm worried that I'll be comparing them to him or trying to find a replacement.
I set up a new POF profile last night but then immediately hid it, thinking I'd made a mistake.

The profile pics were reminiscent of (a lobe-less) Bradley Cooper. The “recent” pics were more like Bill Murray with a really bad hangover...

I am howling!!!!!!

Bill Murray with a really bad hangover ROFL

All resolved and fine thanks @JeSuisPrest
Need to move on from what went before I think and also realise that we're passed the usual format of the dating phase.
Aside from that, she invited me over for Sunday family dinner yesterday, and although I've met all 3 kids before I haven't been that nervous for a while. Was lovely though and very relaxed.
How are things with you and MrC?

Supercali no we hadn’t got as far as WhatsApp! I guess he wasn’t feeling particularly flexible when it came to coffee!

Well I sent a message to Mr Skinny which just made him tell more lies about how he couldn’t get a lift home until late on Saturday so had to stay (obviously he could afford another round of drinks but not a taxi), he also said how Sunday’s the only day he gets a lie in which is why he has been late every time, obviously sleep was priority over seeing me. I have told him to stop messaging me as he’s just chucking excuse after excuse at me and making himself look even more of a dick. I’m angry that he can’t just say “ sorry for being a complete twat “ and admit he had no intention of just having a couple drinks on Saturday. I told him he should have made more effort a long time ago.

@KhaleesiTargaryen Definitely a change of mindset. But looking at it, I went on maybe a dozen dates in over two years, and most of them were not right for both. Having got back online properly in the last couple of weeks and matching with more than I'm used to, multi dating makes sense as it means I can be a bit more liberal about who I meet and cut through all the 'not quite right dates' relatively quickly. I really don't want to spend another two years messaging and dating sequentially. At the same time I'm not particularly wedded to a timescale either - what will be, will be.

Examples of 'overly affectionate' would be fairly outing, but it's stuff that is unrelated to the first date and the ongoing conversation ... but yeah sort of pet name-y and sweet dreams-y.

Your guy with the fake photos is utterly bizarre.

@EchoElephant In a way you are trying to find a replacement, someone you can feel the same way about and who will reciprocate. Maybe wait for your feelings to settle - a month-ish ago I tried going back to it and I felt sick. Sounds you had the same gut reaction when you put your profile up.

HairyArsedMan " I tried going back to it and I felt sick" - that's exactly how I felt. And the fear that I'll be treated badly again.
I will have a break and see how I feel in a month.

Lovemusic33 do you want to continue seeing Mr Skinny? I'm only asking because from your post it doesn't sound like you've told him it's over.
He's obviously not making you happy. Would you be able to talk to him on the phone or in person? And try to explain how he's making you feel.
At moment it just sounds like you're exchanging angry texts but not moving forward to resolve anything.

@Lovemusic33 agree with Echo. Think you need to have an actual chat with Mr Skinny and set the score. So you both know where you stand. But he doesn’t sound like he makes you happy, or is reliable, and at such an early stage both of those should be definite in my opinion. Don’t settle because you feel lonely.... you are selling yourself short if you do that

He’s been exchanging messages with me all afternoon, he’s given me so many excuses and now he’s pulling the depressed card and making me feel guilty. I told him I didn’t want all the excuses, he could have just given me the truth or said sorry. He’s now saying he’s struggling living on his own (he lived with his mum after he split with his ex almost 2 years ago), he’s saying he has issues with sleep due to this. I kind of guessed this would happen which is why I helped back and never introduced him to my kids or family, I always worried that he was not ready to be in a relationship and that I was just a replacement for his wife or mum. He’s saying that this isn’t the case and that he enjoys being with me. I have now told him that I need to go feed my kids and go to work (which I do), I need him to back off a bit and stop sending me excuses.

@Lovemusic33 you want the words to back up his actions. Maybe stop arranging dates. Stop agreeing to drive to him and see what happens. I think I'd be out by now though. You don't sound like you like him enough for it to be this hard work.