Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Ah good luck @FMFL, sounds like a cute outfit!

You deserve better, @Lovemusic33. Time to move on imo.

I met Mr G at the airport today, and we spent the time chatting and kissing. 😁 I am going to stick with this fella. I know it's an impossible situation, but I feel so at ease around him and he is so open about liking me, none of my "baggage" or history bothers him or has scared him off, and it feel good to be around someone like that. Our values are aligned in so many things, we really just click. I won't be able to see him again until next weekend but just knowing he's in the same time zone is nice.

Notcool he doesn’t drink when I see him during the week, I drive to his and then he drives us somewhere to eat. I drive to his as I have 2 teenagers at mine but we could meet half way and go for something to eat. I have driven to his when I’m tired ,when I’ve been unwell, even drive to his after having a tooth extracted (And was still bleeding), he never offers to come out my way, he lives a hour away.

Sorting he split with his wife 18 months ago after a long marriage, I’m guessing she got fed up with his childish behaviour, he’s still not over it, keeps moaning about what happened and has a lot of hate towards her. I have been seeing him for over 4 months but I don’t feel I know him well at all, he’s quite a negative person and doesn’t open up about anything.

@morenicecereal what does G stand for? Glad you had a good day.

Going from fab to Bumble is like one extreme to another. Makes me feel a bit icky actually. It is a good reality check though. 😔

Mr Goatee. He's American (like me) and comes here for work every two to three weeks for two or three weeks at a time. He and his colleagues rotate, so this time he's here for three weeks. He's also shorter than me, but I'm glad I didn't write him off because of something so superficial. 😁

Is it fab that's icky, or bumble?

Oh now I remember you talking about him.

I feel icky because although I knew fab was an ego boost being on bumble made me realise how differently men act in the dating world, obvious differences aside.

It's lovely to hear of the successes, and sorry to hear the crappy ones, too. It seems a bit brutal and I am only a couple of days in.
Please can I ask advice re sites to use?
I have signed up to 'Soulmates' which doesn't seem to have loads of members, which is ok but I will want to sign up to another at some point, I think.
Last time round I was on 'OK Cupid' - not brilliant but not awful either. Any suggestions / recommendations?
I have looked at quite a few profiles and clicked a few 'like' buttons, not much in return although my profile has been looked at. Definitely working on the 'develop a thick skin' point..
Hope everyone is having a good evening

Also, sending a message first feels terrifying.
I know this is daft - I am an independent, adult woman and this is totally throwing me.
Do you tend to send first messages or wait to be contacted? Apologies for really dumb question! I think my confidence isn't what it used to be.

It depends on my mood, but I don't mind sending the first message. I like to mention something from their pic or profile if possible, just to start the conversation. I used to stress over what to say but I've taken a much more relaxed approach recently, with no real difference in replies. So just relax I guess!

I liked OkCupid, but I like filling in forms, always have. my profile was miles long on there!

I met Mr G on Tinder, tho. I reduced my profile to a bullet point list on there and matches seemed to enjoy that format.

@saltysally good luck - I've only used the apps for casual encounters and only recently stumbled across a couple of blokes that seemed to want something more serious but who knows. I'm pretty sure my only wanting casual persona is to cover up some deep self esteem issues stemming from my abusive ex, so I'm working on that. Someday, I might not be so Unavailable myself, and even find a nice man who lives in the same country as I do. Until then... 🤷 Just enjoy the moment.

Thank you Cereal, I think I just need to bite the bullet, get over myself and send the messages....
Congrats re Mr G - you sound happy

Mr goatee sounds good.

What do you get from him @Lovemusic33

@Undecidedsofa I use tinder and bumble. Never message first on tinder but you have to on bumble.

@morenicecereal I hear you. I have other stuff to focus on too. I only joined Bumble to meet more local female friends initially. I've disabled the dating bit again. Enjoying the moment whatever we are doing is important

Thank you Notcoolmum; I'm not brave enough for Tinder....yet...but I've heard good things about Bumble + will take a look . If you are on more than one site, Im guessing you use the same info/pics etc?

@SimonJT Exactly, that's the way I view it. But then I have lived with it for 7 and a half years and are probably too stubborn for my own good sometimes. I think it just got to me yesterday as I managed to call a friend and his friend a self entitled prick, in my defense they were being pricks. All my matches lately ask what the thing I'm wearing on my wrist is so I explain and then get ghosted. I don't know if it's something to do with the age of men I look for as I'm 26 so I go for 26-36 although more in late 20s early 30s.
My messages still haven't been delivered to Mr Surgery (he fully accepts the wrist issue as he is going to have surgery on his leg eventually) felling annoyed about not hearing from him all weekend after he didn't confirm plans for Friday but I suppose that's what I get for ignoring rule 3

Thanks @undecidedsofa and @notcoolmum. Guaranteed I take over the thread when I'm a bit giddy haha. So glad to have this place,. though. I've learned loads in a short amount of time due to the collective wisdom here.

@Dancerinthemoonlight might be worth mentioning it in your profile if you haven't already? If anyone actually bothers to read them.... ?

Mr Compass hasnt logged back onto fab which makes sense. Just makes me sad as I know he's really moving on and away. Back to the other non dating stuff

Notcool what do I get from him? I guess consistency (although he’s consistently late), sex is good, good conversation 🤔. I guess I was hoping he would message me grovelling but he hasn’t and he’s probably not going to now. I know he works hard and deserves to have some time out with friends but why say “I’m only going out for a couple” and then spend all day drinking? He even messaged telling me what a rubbish time he was having and said he would be leaving soon (at around 3pm), I don’t understand what he gained from saying that, I don’t care if he’s out, why not just say “I’m having a great time so I’m staying out later”? I’m really wary of people that don’t tell the truth because it’s likely they are hiding something. Anyway, looks like it’s over and I’m feeling pretty rubbish but I know I will be ok (always am).

@Lovemusic33 It still hurts.

Yep, you don't have to be tough with us @Lovemusic33

I’ve been here so many times before and I try hard to protect myself from getting hurt but it doesn’t get any easier, if anything it gets harder as I think I will never find anyone that gets me.

I know what you mean @Lovemusic33 I just wish I knew the answer for all of us on here feeling like that.

I know when I start dating again I'll be keeping my bar high and not compromise but I know I'll have to deal with having an empty bed in the meantime.

Mr Compass was the closest to what I'm looking for and I am just trying to tell myself I'm getting closer to finding the one rather than thinking I won't meet the one.

Still hard though.

It is hard. I thought this one was different .

I really hoped he would be the man you deserve. I'm so sorry he isn't

@Lovemusic33 sorry to hear it hasn't worked out for you. It's hard when you think you found someone decent and they turn out to be the opposite.
I always think you should be equals in a relationship. So waiting for him to turn up or always driving to him, means he has the control. I hope you've been able to tell him it's over.

I met Mr Friends Only today. And I told him exactly what I thought of him and how he had treated me. As I expected he'd got carried away the other evening, when he really just wanted to be friends. I'm clearly irresistible to men but they don't want a relationship with me.
I told him he had lost me as a friend as well now. From the look on his face, I don't think he expected me to say that.