Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Cowardice isn't attractive, though. Hard conversations still need to be done. It's just hurtful to leave you hanging like this. His actions show he values his comfort over your feelings, right?

Mr Beef did the nice to meet you but.... which I'm not overly surprised or disappointed about. I've a full list of stuff today do this weekend. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Hi all - have namechanged but see if you can guess who I am ;-)

Had a fairly seismic shift in attitude the last few days and feel like I needed to celebrate. I suppose 'StartAllOverAgain' would have been the obvious next name choice, but this one makes me giggle.

Have been doing lots of 'work' on getting stbx out of my head and feel like I'm getting there finally. Hearing him talk is like listenign to the teacher in Charlie Brown now - 'mwah mwah mwah' - I find i'm not getting drawn in and I don't play them on repeat in my head afterwards. I'm starting to feel like... I don't really care. This is big. He's had me jumping hoops for him for years and now I am putting myself first, telling him what he has to do, treating myself kindly, enjoying my children. God, I hope this is a permanent shift because I feel so fucking strong and capable and... enough. Finally, I feel like enough, just me.

I would however very much like a fuck because I am still climbing the walls with horniness. Argh.

NoMore that's wonderful news! Long may this last.

Hello
I have had a couple of likes and a message which I have replied to. I feel like a toddler learning to balance again.
Only just formally broken up with ex boyfriend (of nearly 3 years), literally last week, but we had not really seen each other for months or been close since the start of the year (he lost his job and went v v v introspective)
So, plunge taken.
Thank you in advance for any advice/insight...you all seem to give epic advice.

Lots of luck to you, @Undecidedsofa. Dating is weird and fun. I never really dated before meeting my ex, I was very young when we met, so I'm on a steep learning curve.

Just got a message from Mr G, he's about to board the first leg of his flight. My youngest suddenly has a high fever and is shivery.

Just hopping on to say jesuis have enjoyed reading your recent posts - they have been bang on the money. And great news dust long may this new outlook continue

Haven’t posted for a while and the thread moves so fast. I’m still with Mr Skinny but things haven’t really progressed very far, I think tomorrow maybe make or break, he’s meant to be spending the day with me but I know he will be late, he told me he was going for a couple drinks this afternoon with a couple friends and that has now turned into a full on drinking session so the chances of him turning up tomorrow morning on time is slim. I’m not a drinker and I don’t go out drinking during the day (I know some people like to but it’s not me). I’m still the one always driving to his during the week, he doesn’t really put in much effort so I have decided if he’s not here by 11am I am going to make sure I’m out doing something else, I’m not hanging around all morning waiting for him, the though of him turning up smelling of stale beer isn’t really doing it for me.

Ah @Lovemusic33 it sounds like you're not getting what you need from Mr Skinny.
You need to feel like a priority.
I hope for his sake as much as yours that he runs up on time tomorrow morning but I agree that if he doesn't, you need to make yourself unavailable.

Me and Mr Ad had our first stumble today. Most of it crossed wires via whatsapp and some of it previous baggage from both of us. I think we're sorted it but not being able to see each other for a week is hard.

sunshine I think I have messed up by sending him a shitty message. I know it’s up to him what he does in his spare time so I shouldn’t really say anything but after he was late 2 weeks ago on the one day he comes to mine I feel a bit pissed off. I also hate it when someone says they are going to do something and then do the opposite, he messaged me this morning saying he was going out for a couple drinks and then going back home so he’s no rough tomorrow, he’s now been out for 7 hours drinking. It just feels like he puts no effort in, I do most of the driving to his, we go out to eat and take it in turns paying, it’s all a bit boring and feels like he’s not really that bothered, everything feels a bit vanilla and not very exciting . He will ask me what I want to do tomorrow here’s no point in me saying what I want to do as he won’t get here until mid day or later and my kids come home at 5pm. So if he’s late tomorrow I will be unavailable.

You deserve better @Lovemusic33. Things shouldn't be boring at this stage and him going out drinking for hours sounds like the kind of thing my ex would do.
Don't put up with less than you deserve rather then be on your own x

sunshine I think tonight’s just made me realise how immature he is, he’s 40 not 18 and he’s spent all day drinking knowing he’s meant to be spending tomorrow with me, I can’t be fucked to spend half a day with him awning and moaning that he’s hungover, tbh I would rather spend the day on my own. He’s sent me 2 whatsapp messages, one says he will be over at some point tomorrow and the other is telling me he’s home and asking if I’m ok, I can’t even be bothered to reply. Know I’m probably over reacting, there’s a chance he will be fine tomorrow but the fact he was late last time (he hadn’t been out the night before) doesn’t give me much hope.

I don't block generally but just disappear and when the inevitable message comes late one night, take great delight in emphasising how happy I am with an amazing guy I've met. Vamusing to see them saying they are pleased for me.

Another one is to say you had to make a decision as you had met someone else and found it too difficult to tell them.

That should sort their ego for a while anyway. . Playing the game against them.

Mr C is currently cooking me rice pudding. We went for a walk today with the dogs and I’m really happy. Still thinking about the Christmas issue need to speak to my mum

love sounds like this is a struggle and you’re already anticipating him letting you down tomorrow, in which case you’ll finish it.
But.
What if he surprises you and turns up on time. Will you let it go and give him another chance? Will you continue to feel like he’s ready to slip up again, or push your limits?
I’d be thinking about how this relationship fits with your idea of what your relationship should feel like. And if the two don’t add up, be ready to move on. A bad relationship fucks with your self esteem, expectations, standards, dignity and boundaries.
The fall-out from a bad relationship is always much worse in my experience because your resilience takes a proper bashing too. Take control and end it - he’s already shown you who he is.

He might surprise me. I have been through so much with other relationships that I don’t get my hopes up anymore. We haven’t had any disagreements yet, we have been seeing each other for 4 months but it’s got to the point where I’m struggling to keep my mouth shut about things that I don’t like. The time we spend together is always good but it’s not amazing, I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much from a relationship? Sometimes it just feels like I’m a odd ball and I can’t find anyone that will suit my personality. I like him but he makes me feel like he’s just making do with me as he doesn’t like being on his own, I’m not sure if he really has any feelings for me.

Oh lovemusic The very least you should expect at 4 months is to feel great together.
If you feel he’s just making do, you need to leave.
That’s not a good place to be.
If you’re struggling to keep your mouth shut it’s probably your inner instinct painting those flags a nice bright red for you to see. He’s not the man for you.
Not all men go out drinking for 7 hours on a weekend, trust me. And if that’s not your thing, you’re not compatible.

Well Mr Cath Fach has been surprisingly chatty whilst on his lads weekend away.

He even told me he'd be thinking of me lots- I thought awww he's being all romantic!

Nope. All the 'adult entertainment' surrounding them reminded him of me. Compliment of sorts I suppose....actually I'm really not complaining 😂 surely it's a good thing if sex with me is on his mind.

I just got off the phone from a chat with an iron... my god, it was awful. He spent an hour moaning about his job and family. I tried to wrap it up several times but he ignored me each time! One to cut loose, definitely. I have a date tomorrow with another iron; I hope this one’s a bit less self-absorbed

Looking for 100% honest opinions. Is it off putting for you when a potential date has an injury that they need surgery for?
Talking to yet another man that goes quiet and then unmatches when they ask about the splint in my photo and I explain why I wear it.

Never in a million years could I tolerate a boozer. The signs are not good love. Save yourself the aggro?

@Dancerinthemoonlight no that wouldn’t put me off at all.

Mr FF was a heavy drinker and the more I consider things the more I realise I wouldn't be happy with that long-term myself.

Although tbh I'm annoyed that I'm still thinking about him at all. Bah.

@Dancerinthemoonlight not me, either, but I prefer to meet as quickly as possible after matching and chatting, which might not be an option for you for a while?

I prefer to meet as soon as possible after matching and chatting. I will literally need maybe 3 days max of being indoors just to deal with immediate pain afterwards but I was talking on the phone to one earlier who presumed I'd be having weeks of bed rest. I have really good public transport links so not being able to drive won't be an issue either.
Maybe it's just the quality of men who are matching with me. I have a free trial of bumble at the moment so I can see everyone who matches with me. I seem to get a load but I'm not interested in most of them. I really don't see why I'm getting so many matches either. This genuinely isn't a stealth boast but I can't see what they see from my pictures