Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Ah, so you’re working between Xmas/NY and she’s looking after him those days? Sorry, I thought you meant that Xmas with her was a condition of providing childcare.

If you’re taking him up on Xmas day you’ll see him Xmas eve and Xmas morning. That will be good.

What do you want for him over the holiday period so that he doesn’t miss you and you don’t miss him? Make a plan that suits you both.

@SBD1 It would be a cold day in hell before I would let my child spend a minute with your ex or his mother. The both sound like fucking sorry excuses for human beings. It concerns me how easily you manage to compartmentalise your ex raping you and yet being perfectly content for your son to spend time with this man - it doesn't matter how much your son loves him/likes spending time with him. He's a rapist, you know it, he knows it and yet you seem to treat it like he took £20 out of your purse without asking 🤷‍♀️. Have you received loads of counselling to get where you are now, because you seem pretty accepting of the situation? Sorry if I've overstepped the mark, but some of your posts have had me thinking WTF??

@sbd1 could your mother not look after him or anyone else? Your ex and his mum sound toxic. If you were my real life friend I'd offer to take him between Christmas and New Year to avoid that.

Stbx and I wete contemplating a joint xmas for the children's sakes. Xmas eve. He stays in yhe spare room. Then xmas day v low key (roast chicken lunch. Lots of tv. Presents and a walk) thrn i tale them to my family for xmas do over and he takes them to his family for NY as is tradition anyway.

It would probably be the best thing for the smalls and i just can't be eithout my children for christmas but I don't know if i can spend that long with him without severe repercussions. I threw up first thing every morning until he moved out his presence was so affecting to me.

It's all so raw and recent. We only split end of august. I can't really tell how I'll feel come December.

I think it'll be very painful.

He never did much towards christmas. I was the tradition maker. I am trying not to think about it really

Sorry for typos. Mostly ok but bit upset over finding out some dates of school events for my DD who's just started school and they're all on 'his' days so I'm going to miss all of them . Thinking about christmas was just the shit icing on this turd cake of a life I've been left with

Going back to the book, I did some of the suggested work at the end, and dissected my relationships and dates of the past six months. I can definitely see some progression in my choices in men and decisions in how I react, but I'm also definitely one of the closed off women (MIM or something?). There was also things about Mr FF that weren't perfect and I'm glad I'm not idealising him or Mr G for that matter.

I predict I will get stronger feelings for Mr G, let it go on for a while and be single by Christmas.... I will then take a break from dating until Spring.....

On a more cheerful note - start work Monday and as it's in thevarse end of nowhere there's an onsite 'fitness suite'. AKA gym. I fully intend to go as often as I can. Maybe William will be hanging out there. It is a male-dominated industry after all...

@JeSuisPrest it’s a mental locked box and that’s where it’s staying. Counselling was too painful and I got worse and couldn’t deal with it. Also, it’s happened to me three times in total since I was 18 so I’ve just developed a way of dealing with it that suits me. Even if it’s not the right way. I’ll heal over time I guess.

He’s a good dad if you take that side of him out of the equation. He loves DS, would never hurt him and his dad is a really good man, his sister will also be there and she’s lovely and level headed. So I’m not totally worried. I’ll pick him up on the 31st and we’ll go to my mums for a week as my holiday allowance resets on the 1st Jan. unfortunately I don’t have any friends to rely on in this city. As I started the job part way through the year I got not much holiday so I’m planning next years so I don’t have to rely on the ex.

One of the conditions of my ex being allowed to see DS was that he attended therapy through his work and I think it’s having a positive effect. At least I hope. It’s just a pile of shit and I really struggle some days. I try not to rely on Mr C too much even though he wants me to because you know it’s early days and I don’t want to expose him to ALL my baggage.

If you decide to try therapy again EMDR is really effective for ptsd and trauma x

@SBD1 He really isn’t a good man, people like that don’t change, trust me on that one. Convincing you he is a good person is all part of it.

Who you are and what’s happened to you isn’t baggage, if Mr C can’t deal with it now then he won’t in six months etc.

Can someone give me kick up the backside or a talking to please. Had tentative plans to meet Mr Surgery tonight for the first time. He hadn't confirmed the time or place we were meant to be meeting. Then I hear nothing from him all day. It's rediculous when he was trying to help me find a new wheel yesterday and had been really sweet on the phone all week.
Haven't heard from Mr Westie since Sunday when he was going to arrange a date this week. He was so keen on meeting me when we first matched And now I'm getting the silent treatment.
Mr Persistent is just blowing hot and cold. I have told him that my car still isn't fixed and that I'm not taking a train/coach for 4-5 hours to see him. He still won't talk to me on the phone and send me 1-5 word texts. Beginning to think it's a sick joke cooked up between him and my ex from February.

I feel like as it seems to have gone wrong with all 3 of them that it must be something to do with me even though I know that's rediculous.

I totally agree with @JeSuisPrest
He isn't a man I'd want near my children unsupervised. And I don't know how you can be so sure he wouldn't hurt your son when he is capable of such awful things to the mother of his child.

I 100% agree with @JeSuisPrest I wouldn't allow a child near him and yet he's not his son and you are still allowing him to visit. I've expressed my concerns over this previously.

You also said you were in therapy @SBD1 you need to go through it. Or else you will never recover and project on to your child

yet he’s not his son

He is his son.

“exH adopted DS”

Obviously doesn’t alter the fact that he is a very dangerous person.

I really like this thread - sometimes I feel along with my dating - or not dating woes and this reminds me I am not lol. I have an issue with a guy from work - paperclip man? who I have a crush on and despite being fairly obvious about it he seems to be oblivious sending me "crumbs" now and again I think. Time to move on I guess.........

This thread moves so quickly.

SBD what a terrible time you've had 💐 put yourself and your DS first ahead of ex always. Your happiness and that of your DS. And both of your safety.

Dancer it's not you. It's just OLD. Shitty. I just cba with it atm.

Ah @Dancerinthemoonlight that's not good all three going off the boil.

I'm sure it's not you - my friend blew me out tonight because of the rain.

If you think you're not going to hear from them again can you call them out on it? Just to hear what they say?

Weird that some people go to all the trouble of arranging a date then don't follow through.

I was down to zero irons so swiped all day today on bumble. I matched with over 20 hot guys (much higher calibre than tinder don't you think) I made a point of messaging every single one straight away- and got only 2 replies back hours later - both of which completely fizzled out! I can't be that bad surely! They did match with me after all.

I'd love to meet someone in real life now- doing it all over your phone is a bit weird.

@leosauntyeggie73 is paperclip man definitely single?

I keep wishing I could meet someone at work- as then you have time to get to know them before deciding if you fancy them

@eyebrowsofinstagram I have called Mr Westie out on it and have actually deleted his messages so I'm not tempted to message him again. Mr Persistent I just can't be bothered with, he has brought up my ex 3 times in 2 weeks so even if I did meet him I think it would be an issue for him so I'm just not going to bother with him. He is also nearly 130 miles away so it's doubtful I will ever run into him and when I can't drive post surgery I'm not going to want to take the train to see him all the time.

The one that confuses me and frustrates me the most is Mr Surgery. He is the most local to me. Why spend yesterday on your day off ringing up scrap yards and searching the internet to help me find a new wheel when you just aren't going to confirm plans with me. I also worry that something has happened with one of his family members as they are having medical issues at the moment. And I worry about him because he has a heart condition and had an x-ray yesterday morning for his leg so what if something has happened to him. But then it doesn't take more than a minute to send a quick text saying somethings happened can we postpone. Ahhhhhh I really should remember rule 3

Sorry @SimonJT was not aware he had adopted him. But regardless the guy is a rapist. And his mother is racist.

As a mother it's your job to protect your child from harm. Big put your child in potential harm.

Not* not big

I called Mr Westie out on it and look who surfaces and sends me a message. Apparently he has a really important interview on Monday and has been spending all his time preparing on it. Apparently we will talk properly tomorrow. I will hear what he has to say but I'm not holding my breath that it will actually happen.

A sort of online friend, definitely not an iron but I will call him Mr Kinky has been trying to convince me that I really do want to get into swinging and be his girlfriend who would participate in threesomes and more without ever having sex with him 1 on 1. How many times can you say no I'm not interested before just blocking. I like talking to him but I'm getting fed up with it.
I seem to have no issues getting matches on Bumble - no idea why as I really don't see what they apparently see but I'm just not interested in most of them

@eyebrowsofinstagram Yeah paperclip man is single, same age and good looking. He ticks a lot of my boxes and I have been a bit out of character and sent a few emails that are banter but are quite direct

Just wondered too if you're still about?wanted to share some good news but don't want to out myself on the thread.

Hello, can I join ?
I was on this thread, or one similar about 3 years ago, met someone & have recently ended the relationship. I have just put a profile up online & am starting OLD again...