Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I actually can't wait for Xmas. The current agreement is I will have dc for Xmas every year and will maintain our usual traditions which they like. So it's Xmas eve with family friends, Xmas with me and maybe Boxing Day. Ex isn't capable of buying presents or cooking a meal so is happy with doing nothing. He has recently mumbled about taking time off to be with them but he regularly used to lose annual leave by not booking it off so I'll be interested to see if he does.

Sunshine,how about the kids open your joint presents Christmas eve with you both,or Christmas day afternoon when they return. If they receive a stocking/ other presents then that may work?

I'm still unavailable and been properly single( no apps or dates since Mr dadbod) for a good few months. Feels great actually.
I had a gym induction with my son yesterday as I'm going to try and shift this stone that crept on when i was munching on family packs of kettle chips and choc for months in the eve. I haven't been to a gym for twenty five years! Well, I couldnt believe how many fit men there were. Is this where they all hide?! Not that I'm ready for one but once I've sort my unavailability out.....

Our christmas routine isn't really figured out tbh. The last 2 i've taken DD with me to my mums for Xmas and then she's been with her dad at NY. I'd really rather have her at xmas, when she was wee it might not have meant as much but at 5 she's already excited. I'm hoping to have her again this year but if he really wants to take her to his mums i'm hoping to do it so it's only a few days after.

@lifegoes this will be the first Christmas that we will be apart. It’s difficult because obviously he lives with me and whilst I detest my ex I feel it’s important that they get Christmas together. Next year we will go to my mums.

One of those things where I’m trying to do the right thing and not monopolise DS. He’ll have fun at his grandmas with his dad and I’ll FaceTime him which of course isn’t the same as being there but it avoids a situation where I have to sit at a dinner table with a woman who really does not like me and makes it known. I don’t want him to be subjected to that atmosphere BUT appreciate that they love him

It's bloody hard, isn't it, @Sunshineandflipflops. Even worse when there's an OW involved.

Both this year and last year my ex and have negotiated a Christmas holiday split where he gets the second week (so he can get on a plane to visit his parents the second he picks up DS, lest he has to actually look after him himself for a week). So I allow him to see DS for several hours on Christmas Day - after we've had lunch. I had been expecting an alternate year thing, but he obviously values the week at his parents bit more.

MrSG now has an alternating Christmas arrangement with his DC (theoretically) but his ex will pull any old dirty trick to prevent it. He's supposed to have the Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day (including dinner). Then she's picking them up to have them and returning them at some point on Boxing Day. But I guarantee that she will try to ensure she gets Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day, with him doing the driving.

Last year they were supposed to be doing 'one last joint Christmas' with the DC but a couple of days before Christmas she started being a total shit. Turned out that what she really meant was that she wanted him to pay for one last Christmas in its entirety but not to be inconvenient and want to spent any time with the kids (unless she wanted rid of them).

First she tried to get rid of him on Christmas Eve/Christmas morning but he refused. Then she announced that she had arranged for her and the kids to have Christmas dinner at her mum's. But, crucially, she wanted him to pick them up from her mum's at 5 so that she could go to her boyfriend's (the potato she had an affair with). He refused, pointing out that if he was being excluded from Christmas dinner, he wasn't staying sober so he could provide taxi services and look after the kids only when it was convenient to her.

Then on Christmas Eve she decided that, actually, Christmas morning would be cut short because she wanted to take the kids to her boyfriend's house at 10am and then on to her mum's from there. He was so upset and stressed and refused to have that happen, and she was really horrible about it.

He had Christmas dinner and spent Christmas night with me. But it wasn't a nice situation at all. She's really a piece of work (manages to make my horrible, abusive ex seem reasonable regularly - which is a feat) so I'm expecting that she's not going to honour the agreement she's made (because she really does believe that she should get Christmas - the whole of it - with the kids every year).

Thanks everyone. I've just had a very tearful conversation with him (both of us in tears) and he said he wouldn't expect me to wake up without my children on Xmas day because of something he's done.

So I am having them Xmas eve and part of Xmas day, he is coming round while they open the joint presents and then he will have them later in the day and into boxing day.

He said I should never put off having these conversations with him.

Still crying at my desk.

And if things continue, Mr Ad is going to come over when the kids go to their dad's.

I'm glad you had the conversation

I'm glad your ex has been reasonable @Sunshineandflipflops. Crying is a totally reasonable reaction, I think. Although I express 95% of my emotions with tears.

I've just considered that DS1 has not spent any part of Christmas Day with his dad for over a decade. But it's a bit different I think. He's never lived with his dad. And his dad really has never had to do any parenting. So he'd never have expected to have DS on Christmas Day if it meant he wasn't with me. He used to come round to my mum's house when we were there and go back to his parents' for dinner. But once I'd moved away (for work) he recognised that wasn't possible. He did drive a long, long way to pick DS up on Boxing Day though.

Thanks @SBD1 and @WooMaWang. Yeah, I guess it's different for everyone isn't it.

Christmas has always been such a big thing for us a family. When my ex joined our family he went from hating it to loving it too. Then we got married at Christmas and then we separated 2 days after Christmas. So it's become something I build up now and get myself worked up over.

I know he loves the kids very much and although he turned out to be a shit husband, he is a great dad and I am very glad he want to spend time with them at Christmas, for their sake.

Aw @Sunshineandflipflops thats decent of him.

Am envious of your Christmas plans forming. It's one of the reasons I was hoping to be in a relationship by Christmas...

@SBD1 That sounds like a really healthy conversation between the two of you. Good luck !

That's hard having so many memories bound up in Christmas @Sunshineandflipflops. I met my son's mum shortly before Christmas too so that used to play a part (though not any more). Son usually spends christmas week including christmas day and boxing day with me, new years with his mum. Once as a kind of rubbish compromise, I spent Christmas Eve at his mum's (on the sofa) to be there to see presents being opened, then did another Christmas Day at mine with the stuff I'd got him. There's no easy way of doing it though, it's upsetting for both. I think my son is quite sensitive to it too, as this year he's saying he doesn't want anything

@kerkyra it's nice to see you back. Sadly my gym is not the place to find attractive men. The few nice looking ones all know they're attractive and they're half my age anyway

@sunshineandflipflops I'm really glad that conversation went well. I sounded very angry earlier but really I think that routine and keeping up traditions help children through these difficult times especially if Christmas is a big thing. In my family I do a lot of things I never did as a child and because my ex was always working he hasn't seen them.

That sounds like a great plan @Sunshineandflipflops and it’s good that he’s being flexible and considerate.

I won’t have either of my children at Christmas as they will be abroad and I’m already dreading it too. Circumstances are a bit outing, but it wasn’t something I could say no to. No idea what I’m going to do because I don’t want to celebrate it with my family as all the other cousins will be there and I think it’ll be hard not having my own kids.
Might just get away somewhere sunny and distract my self.

I'll be on my own too @khalessi I may try and just forget the day.

Oh it's @khalessi

@khaleesi will not be beaten

I am considering whether our plans for Christmas might be distressing for DS. Its our first Christmas since officially leaving my husband (split up emotionally last year, physically this year)

DS is quite tough but I don't know.

The main problem is....

exMIL is a fiend. She is racist (once called some black neighbours children something that rhymes with Twiglets in front of DS) and she is just not a nice person. She loves DS as if he was her biological grandson (exH adopted DS, has been his dad since birth) and so I respect her for that. But one of the reasons I am glad to be away from him, is her. She has made me cry on so many occasions, she's just awful. Subjecting myself to another Christmas with that woman is like subjecting myself to needles in my eyes. It affects me really badly. However....She has agreed to had DS on the days I am working, the only way to do that is for him to go up Christmas day. I could go up for the day but it would upset me. I know should put my child first but I come back in such a bad mental state it can take me days to get back to normal again. Also, I don't want to sit at a dinner table and pretend everything is rosey with the man who sexually assaulted me.

So....in order to make Christmas GOOD again, I feel I should give this one up. Next year I can take DS to my mums and we will have a lovely time.

Thoughts?

Of course my ex thinks I don't want to spend Christmas with DS so that I can spend it with Mr C. Hold your horses mate, its only been two months!

Hmm @SBD1 I’d be a bit concerned about her influence on him if she was so awful.

She provides childcare which helps you out, but if she then uses that to manipulate you I think I’d consider other childcare arrangements and leave her out the loop.
How old is your DS?

Why would your ex think that if he knows his mum has dictated this?

DS is 8. She's good to him and doesn't teach him her views, apart from.....he's got this thing that grandma buys him presents and why don't I. Or grandma lets him play the ipad.

She doesn't manipulate me as such, she's just rude and not a nice person. She hasn't dictated Christmas, she invited me to it as well. But I hate her. So I don't want to go. I don't want Christmas to be sullied even further. DS will have a lovely time with her and his dad, he will miss me though. Thats my quandry

I thought you had a well paid job @SBD1 so surely you shouldn't be held ransom to your ex MiL for childcare?

I'd be incredibly worried about him spending time with her with such awful views. Plus children are very observant and he will have picked up on her being mean to you and your vibes towards her.

You child's wishes should come before yours or your MiLs at this stage. The first xmas following a separation will be difficult for him I imagine.

@notcoolmum oh it’s not the money, it’s the fact that I had to take holiday as I’m not entitled to full sick pay til next year.

DS has said he wants to go to grandmas with mum and dad so I’m just going to have to think about it. It’s a day after all