Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Can anybody advise on a bumble query please...

If you've matched with somebody and had a conversation and then you see their location but it doesn't mention "how many miles" away just a location, why is that?

Ah, I guess that’s my gut speaking up. I should be comfortable changing my mind, but I do feel bad about it.

However it’s probably better than stringing it out and half-heartedly going on a date.

@Thisismyusernamefornow you can turn off location services on a phone or he may be on a tablet or something that doesn’t have it. It’s nothing dodgy I don’t think

I feel pretty gutted about Mr FF. It doesn't look like it will work out. We were really friendly and feelings grew from there and it was so nice. But I feel like he's stringing me along now about the googling thing and it just shouldn't feel so hard and shitty I think. He either likes me or he doesn't.

I went out in a limb for him emotionally, even though it wasn't anything huge, I still opened up to him more than I have with anyone else. That friendship thing I guess. It hurts more to walk away from this even though we've only kissed the once.

Mr Goatee is coming back to England on Sunday and I'm going to meet him at the airport. I know long-term is unrealistic, but I do like him and he's actually really supportive when I let him in. Maybe I focussed on the wrong person.

I've said this before, but I have no idea what I'm doing.

No one has any idea what they're doing @MoreNiceCereal. Everyone us just making it up and hoping for the best.

Sorry about MrFF.

Congrats @Marlboroandmalbec34. The being taken to court sounds stressful. But being divorced is wonderful.

morenice It’s so weird that we can walk away from some situations pretty much unscathed, but with others the cuts are deep. Especially when we haven’t really got off the ground. I think I sometimes mourn the expectations and hope I had, what I thought it might lead to because I’d taken a risk and let myself fall for them.
It’s so tough. But you’re right, it shouldn’t be that hard.
I’ve come round to the idea that if he doesn’t convince me then I need to walk rather than invest any further. I was a complete mug for Mr Fireman and I will not go there again. Hugs and strength to you x

I think it's exposed some raw areas in me that I've tried to pretend don't exist. Being rejected for how I look in pictures or even being ghosted after a date isn't nearly as hard as rejection after exposing my feelings. Tempted to not do it again.

So....I should probably buy that book everyone likes, eh?

Seeing Mr C tomorrow night for the weekend. We have had a long long conversation by text and I shall paraphrase.
We were talking about how an old friend has decided she doesn't like me and I was upset about it. I was worried I was narcissistic and stuff, he said no because you help me and others, you often put people first. Not everyone will like you and thats ok. Then I was talking about an old old best friend from childhood and it got on to the subject of me refusing to love anyone because that had hurt me so much in my teenage years and I'd closed off emotionally.

Then the interesting part of the conversation (paraphrased)

Me: I specifically refused to love anyone after that. I don't feel the pain anymore but for a while I couldn't even handle people touching me, which is why I was like that with you when I first met you, makes me panic.
Him: I wasn't sure if I would be able to let myself develop feelings for you because I didn't think I was ready. I'm glad you weren't physical with me at the beginning because it helped me work out that we were compatible emotionally first. And I think we have a better relationship because of it. I realised I didn't want to just have sex with you but also wanted to be your friend. Even before we started sleeping together I looked forward to spending time with you. Thats why I got nervous and we had to talk about how I was unsure. I didn't want to lose our friendship and sex complicates things. But I'm glad we did go that way. Thank you for being patient, I seem easy going but really I keep things close to my heart to stay safe. I'd rather show you than tell you how I feel.
Me: Its not always enough to show someone, sometimes you need to tell them.
Him: Ok fine, I care about you and my feelings are getting stronger. I'm scared by it but also happy. I don't expect you to say it back, I'm happy with what we're doing now. I want it to keep going. It's been a long time since I last felt like this.

Then we talked about how he hasn't met my son yet (been two months) and how I knew how I would introduce them one day. He asked if I was okay with what he had said, I said its obvious how I feel about you I know I don't say it but I can if it helps him. He said he doesn;t need me to tell him. He was worried about saying too much and scaring me off.

Then we talked about how seeing each other once a week isn't enough anymore to get to know each other. So we arranged a night of the week he can come round once DS is asleep. I said it was good that we didn't initially see each other loads because of creating false intimacy etc. But now I am ready to see him more. I said we still need time apart as it lets us process our feelings. He said since he saw me lots last week (came round because I had a stonking cold) he doesn't want to go back to once a week.

Then we said goodnight and that we were both excited to see each other tomorrow.

But it says more about them morenice than it does about you.
If they can’t treat other people with dignity, that’s their call, and that’s on them. It’s so easy (and I’m totally guilty of this) for us to see that as a reflection of our worth but it is absolutely not.
I’m halfway through that book and it’s been an eye opener. It’s allowed me to accept and learn from my previous behaviours and process how I’ve read and responded to situations. It’s helped me be kinder to myself.
Like you, I don’t know what I’m doing 😂 but I’m giving it my best shot.

At any rate, I ended it. I have been in limbo with him for a few days and it was horrible. Now I can draw a line, learn from the experience and move on.

I can say I have learned a lot about myself lately and that's sometimes painful, but has always been useful.

Onwards.

@Jane1978xx thanks - it was more for my own use/curiosity than anybody else! Just trying to get my head around the app (not catch anybody out!). Thanks for answering me though!

@MoreNiceCereal @KhaleesiTargaryen what's the book title please?

@morenicecereal that's exactly how I feel about Mr Compass. It cut deep.

I didnt expect my turning over a new leaf was going to be deleting the apps fully and properly but that's what I did last night. Going to focus on some other areas of my life for a couple of months.

And congratulations on ending it and not letting him string you alone. That's ace.

This it's called Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl.

Thanks, salty. I indulged in a bit of a cry last night, but I feel much calmer today already. Listening to that inner voice really brings peace. Need to do it more often!

And good luck with taking a break. It sounds like the right choice for you.

I started reading it because I was worried that Mr C was a Mr Unavailable. It helped because he is nothing like Mr Unavailable, even if he does keep things close to his chest. HOWEVER......I can see traits of the Fallback Girl in me. Interestingly Mr C is the first person I've opened up to in a loooong time.

Glad you are feeling better @morenicecereal

My inner voice is sort of resigned to thinking its not the right time but I'm disappointed about it :-(

Ah well, I started reading the Kindle version of the book this morning and I can already see I am embarking on an unhealthy dynamic with Mr G. Obviously it's impossible to have a normal relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away and only comes here for a few weeks at a time (and not even in my city so weekend visits only). It's probably a bad idea. Doing it anyway.

We all do things that are a bad idea sometimes @MoreNiceCereal. At least you know it is so you can act accordingly.

I found out my finger size,btw. It's an I. Now I have an unnecessary £3 ring fixer kicking about. 😂

Post it to me, we can all do a "round robin" and measure our ring sizes ahahaahha

@Thisismyusernamefornow It reverts to city if you haven't used the app for 4 or so hours. Something like that - me and a pal noticed it (he's male)

Not dating related but can I ask what other people do re Christmas arrangements with ex's and kids?

We split just after Xmas 2017 so last year was our first proper 'apart' Xmas and as he had had an affair, I told him we could alternate who has the kids Xmas morning but hat I was absolutely NOT not waking up with them the first year. So I had them Xmas eve evening until Xmas day afternoon and then he picked them up and they spent the rest of Xmas day and most of boxing day with him.

So this year it should be the other way round. I know this yet I feel like crying every time I think about waking up without them on Xmas morning when this was absolutely not my choice. Also, he is still with the women he has the affair with and has someone to wake up with.

We are also getting joint presents this year as the kids both want expensive things so if he has them Xmas morning, does he also get tot give them their presents from both of us?!

I just hate it and want to go to sleep and wake up after Xmas is over. It used to be my most favourite time of year (we also got married a week before Xmas - double whammy) and now I just dread it

Any advice/experience...?

Honestly whats happening for me probably won't help. I don't place much value on Christmas day, just the season. So DS is going with ex to his mums for Christmas Day, I'll get him back on New Years day and then we will go to my mums for a few days.

I'm not particularly sad about it, because I'll have a nice new years with him. Maybe I'm just heartless lol.

Theres the potential that I might go to exMIL for christmas day but I am not sure yet.

Does your son not mind seeing you over Christmas @SBD1

Oh I'd hate to not have mine at Xmas. When they were little I loved the excitement of Xmas eve. Waking up to see if Fc had been. Lazing about. Playing board games.

We go to my mums as it would be a bit dull the 3 of us. The best thing about a feckless ex is that I've never had to share birthdays or Xmases. THese are magical times and Lay down future memories.

Can you share Xmas morning @sunshine? Mr S and his ex still do Xmases together and a number of people on this thread said they did that for the kids.