Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Anyone else hate that WhatsApp buzz when you are really hoping it's one person but it ends up being someone else? In this case it was a good friend that messaged so I'm grateful but it wasn't who I wanted. Maybe I should take that as a sign.. 🙁

I get the opposite of that buzz every time stbx whatsapps me instead of my mum ot one of my mates!

I have some updates that are actually vaguely relevant to dating.... sort of. But need to get Smallest to bed first.

@KhaleesiTargaryen I was the same in my marriage. And it never occurred to me to have an affair. Let alone meet random people for a quick hookup. So I was quite shocked to hear that. Which is why I wanted other people's opinions.

But he assured me that was in the past. His ex wife lives near him and they are friends. She knows about his past. At least, this is what he is saying.

We are both looking for FWB, so I was expecting to be asked to his house for the second date. And he's cooking dinner.
I have googled him. I know his full name, dob, where he works now, where he used to work. So I'm reassured he is who he says he is.

I think I will keep alert for any more red flags. And ask the thread if I'm not sure.

Been doing OLD for about 4 years now. But only discovered this thread in the last few months. I've learnt so much. And managed to deal with some tricky situations because of the lovely advice on here.

Ouch, @dustmyselfoff multiple negative jolts

A watched phone never buzzes #fact

Last night I invented an imaginary boyfriend. He’s called William, he’s an architect who I’ll meet at work. Initially I will think he’s just down visiting and we’ll have a bit of a no strings fling, but then he’ll end up getting transferred down here and we’ll decide to get involved. His relationship broke up because he and his partner couldn’t get pregnant. He has nieces and nephews who he adores but he’s not sure about having children any more as the whole experience was so stressful.

He’ll be affectionate and loving in public and filthy and loving in private. He’ll eat almost anything, has a fondness for old-school sci fi TV programmes which drives me nuts and an obsession with, funnily enough, architecture and old buildings which allows him to bond with my dad. His mum is amazing but his dad sadly died a couple of years back. He has a good relationship with his siblings and some strong friendships from different eras in his life. They all seem to take to me despite the fact they knew his ex.

He wins my kids over quickly by keeping sweets in his pocket at all times (on my advice) and is self-confident enough to not get drawn in when my stbx gets a bit snide when they meet. Eventually he proposes and he wins me over to want to marry him despite swearing up and down I’d never get married again. Being with him would make me feel truly cared for and I’d realise that STBX really was a selfish twat and life didn;t have to be like that.

And every time I feel upset or wobbly about STBX’s happy ever after future that he keeps forcing on me I think about William, who is not going thin on top, his cock is bigger, he’s more dominant in bed and he actually cooks and helps with the children despite the fact they’re not even his. He rubs my feet or shoulders after a long day and truly appreciates what I do for him. I think about William and the possibility of someone like him, one day, when I’ve healed and it makes STBX and his ‘friend’ so much less important to me because my future does not include him. It has the possibility of a William.

I'm also going to treat myself like a boyfriend. When I get my first paycheck I'm going to buy myself a piece of jewellery. I've narrowed it down to two designs of bracelet and when I've picked I need to choose gold or silver... I'm stuck. Both of them suit my skin tone so it's just deciding which I'd prefer to wear every day.

I must admit, I like the idea of not having to clean oxidisation off every other week so maybe gold...

I've also decided to buy myself a gold necklace/pendant when my decree absolute comes through. Maybe a bird pendant to symbolise freedom.

@EchoElephant I can't remember where I read this, it might have been on here, but if you make a list of what you want from a relationship (or fwb), what you want it to look like, what behaviours you admire and then another list of things you don't want, behaviours you wouldn't like, that should help you form an idea of how to proceed. The last thing was any dealbreakers, big red flags that you couldn't tolerate and would end things over.

I know life isn't cut and tired like that but I found I was bringing some patterns forwards from previous relationships and allowing things which were detrimental to seep into new ones. This is helping me to firm up my boundaries.

@DustMyselfOff i love your update. He sounds fab - does he have a brother??

Treating yourself like a boyfriend is a great idea. I randomly buy myself flowers and I bought a lovely silver necklace that is significant in the same way as your bird. You deserve to be spoiled. Know your worth x

@KhaleesiTargaryen I like that idea of a list. I guess we all probably have one in our head. But writing it down, like you say, helps to show patterns.
My boundaries are much better now I've found this thread.

@DustMyselfOff the bird necklace sounds lovely. You definitely should treat yourself.

Ah Dust this is a gorgeous idea, I think I'll bin off all men and do the same.

I also love the bird imagery. I got myself a tattoo of birds in flight recently, and it brings me so much joy. Tattoos are obviously on a different level to jewelry but the imagery great.

Haven't been able to speak to Mr FF tonight yet. Work, kids, bedtime. At least, I'm still waiting for my lot to drop off.

@DustMyselfOff if you ever get bored with William you can send him my way. I will even take an uncle or a cousin of his.

Have been sending voice notes to Mr Surgery tonight and even he admitted that recently dating hasn't been at the forefront of his mind but he is enjoying getting to know me and that if nothing happens then we will be friends as we have quite a few similarities. I know that his attention and focus is more on his family at the moment so I don't want to take his attention away from them as there is a lot going on.

Mr Compass signed his new contact today so I have now deleted all his messages and phone number, and messages on fab. I also unfriended him on fab. 💪 It sucks when it's one of the rare ones you like doesn't it? 🙁

Noone else on fab looks interesting but I may check back in with a different potential iron on friendswithbenefits. Maybe..

Oh salty that truly does suck. You’re being very strong though 💪🏻

He's got an older brother called Edward. Sadly he's married with 3 kids.

His best mate is newly single though. Michael. He's a bit obsessed by mountain biking but otherwise is a sensible human being. He has a 12 year old from a previous relationship who he has a great relationship with and a good job. He plays bass in a band sometimes for fun but it doesn't take over his free time.

Do feel free to adjust any details you don't like.

Thank you @khalessi I don't trust myself not to read the messages again like I did tonight or contact him so best to get it over and done with. Am very 😞😔 though

salty that's tough. Hugs to you.

Had the conversation with Mr FF. I leapt to a few conclusions earlier, after speaking with him I understand where he's coming from. There's more to it than what I can share here but there are more conversations to be had.

Thank you @morenicecereal love venting here because I know you all get it

Very happy you and Mr Friendals First are still talking. Fingers crossed for 9

Probably going to bin Mr Westie and Mr Persistent. I'm fed up with the mind games, saying that we will talk but it never happening and going quiet. Like it says in the rules, it's all rubbish until it actually happens, or words to that effect. I don't want to text with someone forever and get an image of them without meeting even just quickly for a coffee if their lives are that busy.

Dust brilliant. Except I’ll need to change his name 😂 I’ve gone out with 3 Michaels. I almost feel like putting on my profile “No Michaels please” And I’m not taking the Mickey....

Oh wow. I just started reading Mr Unavailable! Fireman is he. To the letter. It’s like that song... Killing me softly.

Sean?

Now you’re talking!

Sorry salty, it's just shit when it's one you like.

I'm fed up of things never working out with the ones I like. It's always the ones you aren't fussed about that seem to get really keen, and there's always issues with the ones you want. Ugh. Can't the fucking stars just align for once?!

Yeah I wish too @onthetempest just telling myself even though I liked him it wasn't meant to be for a reason I don't know yet.

I really don't think I will ever meet the right person. I'm not saying that feeling sorry for myself- I'm actually alright being single. I like my freedom and my own space.

I just don't see how I will ever meet someone who is all the things that I want, who feels the same about me. Who I get that spark with. If I'm not feeling that, there's no point

I loved your posts last night Dust and wholly agree with treating yourself like a boyfriend would. When my exh left I bought myself a piece of jewellery, I think I was upset at never wearing my wedding ring again and most of the jewellery I own had been bought for me by him. I wear my gift to myself often and it feels comforting. I picked it, I bought it and it's very sentimental to me already.
William sounds fabulous and you know, maybe with a few slightly different details, he will be out there. I look forward to reading one day in the future you saying "omg. I've met William"