Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

That's rubbish @MoreNiceCereal and especially on a stressful day - good luck in court. I suppose you could rationalise it as no further time wasted if he (Mr FF) is fundamentally at odds with your values. I think in time you might accept the American fella was a bit fanciful though ?

I had a read of Mr EU and the Fallback Girl and found it to be revelatory. I still don't quite like the idea that we label people who are just not into us as EU, nor that we have to blame our own unavailability for that.
However it is demonstrated very clearly that we all carry traits of EU-ness and Fallback-ness into our relationships. She covers all the reasons and behaviours in such detail and I've dated long enough to have seen it all too, but just not put it all together.

So many phrases and moments popped up that reminded me of MsM&M; I'm sure she might see some of me in there too. Sigh. Such a crying shame that two decent, loving attracted people couldn't find their way through to each other properly. I liked Natalie's pillars of a good relationship: love, care, respect and trust. I think we fell down on the trust part as that takes time for me. Although I was utterly above board and honest, I think trust here refers to sharing deepest thoughts, fears and desires, and without trust, in comes anxiety and that clouds everything.

So anyway I'm still sad, but I think I've stopped bleeding as I have been having dreams about being in bed with of our office administrator who I don't fancy at all . I decided I had to head that off at the pass by actually throwing myself back into the fray and somewhat surprisingly I have an enigmatic date at the weekend. I can't say any more, as I don't know any more !

All over. Went as well as can be expected, possibly better. Thank you all for the well wishes. Time to tackle this man issue now.

Mr perfect at my house last night. It was perfect. He still lives hundreds of miles away but oi vey it was wonderful to get to know him better and him me. He also gave me a foot rub. That hasnt happened for 2 years since my daughters dad. Maybe I should feel sad, I've no idea when or if I'll see him again....but I dont. I'm floating on air. And I've turned into a total fucking softie

@hairyarsedman I have ALSO started reading that. I wasn't going to because I was all like "Huh thats nothing to do with MrC and me" but I think @lifegoes might have made a point that some chapters could be relevant

ahh @saltysally I didn't know you could apply filters to the messages - that may have helped! But to be honest I was uncomfortable on there so better off out I think!
I did start speaking to one nice guy though we'll call him MrFitness. Seems promising so far so will see what happens with him. Still haven't got to grips with having multiple Irons so not swiping for any one else! I know putting all ones hopes into 1 guy is dangerous but once I start speaking to someone I like - all the others loose their appeal anyway!

It Def is good for anybody that book @SBD1 if anything it's good to see/learn things about yourself that you might not realise. It might even help your mind on days you suddenly feel unsure and help give you peace of mind as to why you feel like that.

I've still not read it all, but I'm sure I will.

MoreNice I'm glad court went well - it's a hideous experience, I know.

Oooooh Woo

SBD ahhh that's lovely of him.

I have Mr U and the FBG (cannot be arsed to type that all out in full!) on my Kindle here at work. Might have a re read as I think I might be doing the unavailable thing to 'protect myself'. Fuck knows what from!

@MoreNiceCereal I hope it was better than you anticipated. Court is never going to be fun.

@Eesha it's been about 15 months or something. Since early July 2018.

@SBD1 I have never had any reason to know my ring size before. I've ordered a very cheap ring sizing set from amazon. 😂

Ah. I'm crap at scanning this thread for updates. I'm so glad it went well.

The man issues on the other hand, that's exactly what this thread is about.

Just back from a coffee date with Mr Blue from Fab. After 2 hrs of chit chat we had a little sneaky snog in the car park. Safe to say there is some chemistry there.

Couple of questions:

1. He admitted to going to swinging clubs iin the past and having sex with multiple women in one evening. The first time he was still married.

Would this put you off? It was a couple of years ago & he said he wouldn't go now.(Tempted to ask the pearl clutchers on AIBU for a laugh)

1. He's invited me for dinner on Fri eve. At his house.

What does one wear for a dinner & sex date? Date 2 is too early for dress and heels, I think

morenice glad it went ok this morning.
Was MrFF being judgemental or was he simply concerned that your opposing views could cause an issue longer term and therefore flagging it for discussion now?
It's clear that lots of people google and imo if he's not being judgemental then at least he's talking to you about it rather than disappearing??
Clearly if he is being judgemental or suggesting that you're wrong and he's right then that's a different matter altogether.

@WooMaWang that's amazing, moving in and potentially engaged in 15 months! Wasn't there someone else on here who met someone even quicker, can't remember but they went to Canada.

@EchoElephant Perhaps esp for a FWB, I'd like not hold them having an affair in the past. Most of us gave done things we are trying proud of. In regards to the multiple people and sex thing, ultimately Fab is a swingers site so the percentage of the people that do swing sexually will be high.

Ant I don't know what he thinks. He hasn't messaged me since last night, in spite of him being online today and the message I've sent him. Maybe he's thinking things over, maybe I've been written off without any notice, I don't know. I'm getting increasingly annoyed, because we've been regularly messaging eachother throughout the day and evenings for a while now.

If he does finally decide to reply, it's going to have to be a doozy, I don't know if I can get past it. I gave up on other irons for him, although he doesn't know that, I still feel like a fool. I finally decided to trust someone and he can't even be a proper grown-up, it turns out.

I'm not a puppy killer or anything! Gah.

Morenice I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but he's making it difficult now 🙄

saltysally thanks. I'm probably the least experienced and most naïve person on Fab.
On one hand it's good that he was honest about his past.
But now he's divorced he says he just wants a FWB relationship with one woman. And that's the bit I find hard to believe, given his past experiences.

Small update - he wants to chat rather than text, so I'll speak to him this afternoon and see.

@EchoElephant he may well have decided sex with multiple people isn't all that. There are quite a few men on fab who look for the same. I would give him the benefit of the doubt unless there's more to his story or your instinct is screaming that he's lying.

saltysally from what he said, he was stuck in a sexless marriage for about 10 years. So he would hook up with women when he was away for business. And then decided he would try the clubs, had a bit of fun, but it wasn't something he wanted to continue.

My instinct says he's being honest but may be holding a bit back as we've only just met. And that now he's in his early 50s, he just wants a regular partner for a bit more than just sex, but doesn't want a full on relationship as he likes his independence (like I do).

I will see how dinner goes on Friday and decide from there. His experience is way beyond mine, so it can be tricky to know what is accepetable/normal (for Fab).

@iamthrough 😂 that was my experience with pof. I deleted after 24 hours. Just how can you sift through all that nonsense? Shame as there may be the odd gem in amongst that but...just no.

@SBD1 he sounds lovely!! A keeper? 😉

@MoreNiceCereal judgy pants are a big turn off for me too.

So, been talking to a lovely guy, moved to WhatsApp and I just thought I’d check his pics again on the apps and he’s set it to “Mr S is currently focussing on work.”

Which means he’s not on/swiping and chatting to others (or maybe he has a few on WhatsApp? 😂). Small things but I’m quite happy with that. He’s asked to meet soon so fingers crossed we click. He’s my perfect tall, handsome, fit combo 🤗

Hard to keep up but most importantly glad it went well for you this morning morenice.

I admit I'm a googler. But then I would never mention it to the person I googled!

Mr Cath Fach is a little quiet the past couple of days, by our standards at least. Could just be busy at work, I dunno. I definitely have a tendency to read too much into things.

Mr Hendricks seems keen. I wonder how I'd feel if Mr Cath Fach wasn't in the picture.

@EchoElephant don't use fab as a benchmark. All that matters is that you are both happy and enjoying your time together. If you haven't done so, I'd have a chat about yours and his interests, turn ons and turn offs. Fairly standard upfront conversayio for fab.

@KhaleesiTargaryen Glad I'm not the only one having same experience with POF. I suppose you could spend time sifting through all the inappropriate rubbish but I've decided its not the site for me. I did meet MrFitness through it though so perhaps wasn't a complete waste of time!!
@EchoElephant Not sure about your guy TBH. But if you're just looking for a FWB I guess it shouldn't really matter what he's done in the past? Just keep the open dialogue going I guess and if you get any more red flags reassess! As for what to wear to a date like that.. maybe casual skirt and nice top? I always feel I want to dress up in some way for these things so even if its at his house I'd still want to make an effort so to speak.

@EchoElephant I was stuck in a sexless marriage for 10 years. It was tough but for a long time I thought i was doing the right thing for the kids etc. I managed to not stray... Did his wife know?
That aside, do you want what he is offering? Thats the real question, and what anyone else gets up to anywhere else shouldn't really matter.
I'm not a pearl clutcher (i think) but I'd be a bit hmmm at a second date at his house... especially as the first was just coffee. I like getting dressed up and I probably wouldn't have the same incentive just to sit on someone's sofa - or whatever he has in mind...

Same @iamthrough not for me.

Sorry @MoreNiceCereal I missed the court bit when I scanned the thread. Glad it went well

Video called with Mr Surgery last night and he passed the initial interview. He has a lot going on with family so I don't know if he is 100% available as his mum is having chemo and he is waiting for surgery. He did offer to come and be my 'knight in shining armour' earlier as I had to wait 5 hours for recovery after denting my wheel on a massive pothole. Need to decide if social smoking is a massive deal-breaker or not or if he would consider not doing it as I'm really not into smoking or smokers. Should be meeting him on Friday. I'm more attracted to his voice than what he looks like though.
For Mr Persistent being so persistent with wanting to meet me and get to know me he has really cooled off. I'm not sure if he will be able to get passed the fact that he sort of works with my ex from February and they play on the same basketball team. They are both in the army stationed at the same base so that's why they sort of work together. It doesn't bother me but he has brought it up in conversation a few times. It could be that work is busy but he is off every weekend so we will see what happens and if I can arrange to meet him this weekend.

Haven't heard from Mr Westie since Saturday night and I really can't be bothered to be the one always chasing and texting first.

Surgery next Friday so the real test with all of my irons will be how they treat me after surgery and if they want to still see me and willing to drive to me as I'm not going to be able to drive for a while