Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Ooooh Never that's s good idea. When I've passed and I get my car you've now made me want to get a private plate with my maiden name initials on it too to piss vile ex off even more. It's my dream to get a better car than him too which he would hate (juvenile I know). He'd hate seeing my maiden name all over it, given he 'still loves me'. Whatever 🙄😂

Mr C is 20 minutes from me - he lives in a village outside the city. He's bang in the middle between my old town and my new city.

I'm looking forward to the day one day in the future I can spend more time with him but as I explained to him, I'm a different person around DS. I'm not as laidback, mother mode and girlfriend mode are very different and I don't mean for the obvious reasons. Girlfriend mode is very laidback, girlie, cuddly. Mother mode is "How many times do I have to save your name till you listen to me/why don't you have your socks on I've asked you 5 times/No you can't climb that, stop climbing it, why have you climbed it GET DOWN"

As a parent I'm very serious ahahah

Having said that I'm not totally serious, me and DS sing in the car really badly every day on our way home from school. We run around like loonies and I play minecraft with him

I'm not particularly keen on my married name nor was I massively attached to my maiden name but I cannot BEAR the thought of having a different name to my children. STBX also intimated that he didn't want me keeping the name, like I wasn't entitled to it because I wasn't born with it. How fucking dare he. I've had this name over a decade he can fucking do one. I'm not changing my name just so he can try and erase me from history and his family and clear the decks for his 'friend' to be the only Mrs X around.

I am changing my prefix to Ms on everything though.

Dust I would do the same. If he didn't want me keeping the name I would definitely do it. It's your name to use if you want to.

I thought about changing my name back but my father was no prize either so it doesn't seem like the best idea, psychologically. Might come up with a whole new one!

Mr Compass invited me for a sleepover tonight rather than wait until Friday night. I may have acquiesced 😁

The name thing is something that has been bothering me too. I separated almost 2 years ago and while we will get divorced at some point, I am not insigating as I don't see why I should bear the brunt of the stress and cost when he had the affair. So I'm waiting for him to divorce me. Which he probably won't as I was always the one to do everything.

Anyway, the name thing...I do like my maiden name but I just don't feel that's who I am any more. I'm not the Sunshineandflipflops I was before i got married. Yes my name is his family name in theory but now it's mine and my children's family name and I don't really feel any emotion to it in any other way. I do want to have the same name as my children and as someone else has said, I don't feel it's fair that he gets to have their name and I don't.

Maybe my feelings will change as the kids get older but right now I am keeping my married name. The marital status thing still throws me though when I'm asked. I hate having to explain it to people, especially when men don't. I don't feel like a 'Mrs' because although I'm still officially married, in my head I'm not. But because of that, I don't feel like a Miss either and I'm not keen on Ms.
I have actually decided to start putting 'Dr' on things if asked. I'm not a Dr but the other choices don't represent me either!

@sunshineandflipflops see thats the thing.

My son had my maiden name, when my ex adopted him obviously we changed his name. Despite the marriage I wouldn't go back and change the adoption because he is his daddy even if I don't agree with half the shit he's done.

But I hate him. I hate being associated with his name. But when I hear it in the context of DS I don't have the same reaction its only when I think about ex and his family. So its difficult! I guess that might lessen over time but I also did like my maiden name.

If I didn't have a son, there would be no question about it at all

I’m keeping my married name as 1-it’s my kids name 2- the arsehole stbxh thinks I should change it back 😂

How can you make yourself remember all the shitty behaviour you're actually better off without, when you're the one who was dumped and can only remember the good stuff and how much you miss it/the person?

Serious question. I have been too effective at filtering out the crappy behaviour and now I WANT to recall it and can't. Not viscerally. Not the emotion and the way it felt to experience it.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I feel as though we should start a club...
"It's my name and I'll keep it if I want to"

I kept my married name. It's my family name. Me and my kids. I would have changed it earlier on but it's who we are.

saltysally have fun tonight

DustMyselfOff I don't have a good answer for you about the shitty behaviour. For me it's little things like choosing to go and see a friend one evening without having to explain why I want to go, who it is, how long I'll be out etc, etc.
I guess I'm saying, I can't remember specific events or big things but it's just when I go about my every day life, I realise how much more relaxed and happy I am.
It will take time. And some days will be crap and very difficult to cope with. Big hugs for you.

I kept my married name. I was that name for over half my life so I feel like that's who I am.

It's different for me because I'm glad to see the back of him, but there are little memories that hit me from time to time, of when he was an utter dickhead. It fills me with anger for a while and cements my utter relief that he's no longer in my life.

I have cancelled future plans with all other irons. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket quite early on, I know, but I can't see anyone else when I feel this way.

But how lovely @nomorenicecereal to be having those feelings

@dustmyselfoff I have a journal. I write in the front of it when I have good memories like, when Facebook reminds me of a funny episode with DS when he was little.

I turn it upside down and write in the back when I have a bad flashback. I write stuff that makes me cringe from my past (like my behaviour or shit I've done) and I write when I remember something HE has done.

If I ever need to process some negative emotions and I am not sure where they are coming from I read back through it.

I think I've talked before about how negative stuff goes into my mental locked box and if I start to think of things that are in it, or even situations I struggle to stay calm. After talking to Mr C about how he processes negative stuff through meditating, I tried it but couldn't do it so I started with the journal and I think it's going to be a long recovery period for me

I'm terrified, Dust, but in an excited way, if that makes sense. I've told him more about my life than anyone else, and it hasn't scared him off so we'll see. (I have 2 DC on the autism spectrum, and another being investigated)

I have a new iron. Not sure what to call him. Maybe Mr Surgery because we have connected on hospital and surgery issues. I forgot all about him and found his number is my phone so texted it and now we are arranging a date, just a casual coffee or something. No idea when I matched with him.

I think I am done with getting any new irons. Still trying to arrange to meet with Mr Persistent but it's a bit complicated with him but he is exactly the type of man I usually go for.

Surgery in less than 2 weeks and that is doing a good job at keeping potential irons away

I have a horrible cold and have to cycle home in the cold, then go get DS then cook for him then go food shopping and I'm close to tears because I'm exhausted.

Mr C just offered to go do the food shopping for me and drop it off.

I've said no, I've got to do this on my own. Sounds ungrateful but this is my first test as a single parent. I've not been ill yet (exc kidney infection) as a single parent. I get a cold like every 3 years and they completely knock me out. I even feel nauseous

SBD that's rotten. Try and find some way of being kind to yourself- give DS a really easy tea. Beans on toast or anything! fwiw I wouldn't blame you for accepting the help but completely get why you don't want to. I would feel the same.

I also nearly got close to tears when the other iron (Mr Hendricks) made some comment about me not learning to drive until now. Over sensitive or what. Reckon it must be hormones 🙄

If you won't accept the help @SBD1 and. Or shame in doing so. Do an easy tea or takeaway and get something delivered online for tomorrow.

I'm going to change my surname. I don't especially want to go back to my maiden name - feel no real attachment to it and it was last 'my' name 32 years ago! I picked a nice surname that goes well with my first name (my maiden name doesn't, no idea what my parents were thinking). I think my Father (we don't get on) would have a hissy fit so I might wait until he's gone to do it. Never taking another man's name again!

Also com9ng down with a cild @SBD1and stbx has said to tell him if i need help. No idea why I would - he was shit at helping when I was ill to the point I was terrified about getting something serious (trying to not think about that atm) because i knew how crap he'd be. So I'm just sucking it up and dealing. Git.