Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

Agree completely with @Ant330 @BatshitCrazyWoman it sounds like you and Me BC have a good thing going. And any living together situation is hypothetical and future gazing. I think it's right not to take each other's family home as a starting point and think about making your own home together in the future. I don't think any of us would want to move into a home full of memories of another life one person had. And this is more complicated by the fact his wife died. I totally disagree with howlings comments.

bats completely agree with ant sentiments - he worded things far better than I did!

@BatshitCrazyWoman you’re really taking all viewpoints on board and genuinely trying to understand what his family have been through.
For them the house holds all sorts of memories but for you it could be a difficult place to ever call home and treat as your own. You might change your mind with time but I can see why this is on your mind, especially as the LW parents are still in his life (understandably). It does sound as though he’s really grounded and you’re very understanding so that’s a positive place to start talking about it when the time comes.

@DustMyselfOff I cleaned my house from top to bottom when my ex moved out, enjoyed buying new furniture from the things he took, redecorated some rooms and reclaimed my space. It was very cathartic. There were times I’d be struck with sudden sadness and loss, paintbrush in hand, but I reminded myself that I was moving on and it was a good thing. Some things Everyone is different but I hope you find some ideas that work for you .

I have a few chats on the go... one, when I asked what he was looking for said (among other things), “maybe I’m just too fussy. “ as in he was too fussy.
I’m beginning to see this phrase as a red flag... it’s what Mr G said early open, and I think fireman may have said it or alluded to it. Is it code for “a few dates then I’ll move on?”

Personally studiers, what are your thoughts?

Dust the others are right, it's a matter of time sadly. But in these early days if you can avoid hearing stuff you know will cause you pain then you should. My situation was different as I divorced him (abusive alcoholic) but I seem to have (not consciously!) reinvented myself - or maybe just found myself again after decades or subjugating myself to someone else's ideas of how I should act or dress or whatever. It will come for you too. But if there's a thing you always wanted to do or wear or whatever, but didn't when you were with him, try and do it now. The very best revenge is a happy life.

Thank you all for your kind words - it does mean a lot that you understand! Ant how are things going with you?

@KhaleesiTargaryen

I agree. What that sounds like to me is the man is a fantasiser and once the shine wears off and the real woman is there in front of him he can't handle it. Nah.

Being with someone is about learning and accepting all of that person, surely. Nobody perfectly fits into a checklist of requirements.

@DustMyselfOff my ex is an alcoholic and I left him. He moved on very quickly with a number of women but settled pretty quickly with the girl he is with now. Initially it burned but definitely time heals, I know deep down i did the right thing, and he still has the demons he always had. She hasn't got some prize in him, it's just sometimes people aren't suited. I've been single for 2 years since but focussed on myself, buying new clothes, feeling healthier, generally being a happy person, as i lost a lot of that towards the end. It will come for you too, and not due to some new partner, just you finding your identity again.

I think also the phrase may be designed to get use to do the “pick me” routine @MoreNiceCereal
You could be the one if you play your cards right?

Glad things are looking peachy for you!! 😁

@KhaleesiTargaryen yes I think it's a small red card phrase now for me. Though I'm sure I'm fussy too!!!

Alright so far thanks Bats I do now understand (although not agree with) why she behaved the way she did. Partly through never having dated anybody in 5 years who was interested beyond just dates and sex, combined with thinking I had enough on my plate without adding any of her own. I told her it was up to me what I can personally cope with, I don't need somebody to make that decision for me.
In all honesty I know I'm holding back a bit in case it happens again, I'm sure that will change as my trust that it won't increases. She's making a lot of effort to convince me so I need to trust her at some point, but I know I spend too much time analysing body language and what she's saying so it's not there yet.
But a big improvement from where we were. We're off for the night away this afternoon so it should be a fun weekend.
Oh and my decree nisi is being pronounced in 2 weeks so hopefully divorce should be finalised early 2020

Ant I have just applied for absolute wooohoo I should be officially single by the end of the year....yay/ booo

I have decided I am obvs punching above my weight when swiping. I have liked 186 people. 237 have liked me. 2 matches 0 messages 🙈

@BatshitCrazyWoman I can totally understand your feelings re: Mr BC's home.
A friend of mine has just moved into her bf's home with his kids and it's where he lives with his ex wife but he bought her out and they are amicable. She wasn't keen to move on to begin with but they have done a fair bit to it cosmetically to make it more 'theirs' and they are going to live here for a year or so before selling and buying their own place.

I'm not thinking of moving anyone into my home now or ever for that matter but although it was our family home with ex I now see it as "our" family home-me and the kids and have pretty much stripped all the sentimentality from it. I know my situation is different though.

@DustMyselfOff As much as it doesn't feel very helpful now, I agree with the others...time does help.
My ex h had an affair and going on for 2 years later is still with the OW.
Very soon affect we spilt and I was grieving and trying to get my head around being a single mum with two grieving children, one of his messages came through on the kids iPad and it was him laughing with a mate and telling him it was 'date night' tonight.

That really hurt and I told him so. He was very apologetic as I obviously wasn't meant to see he message but I did and that just summed up where he was.
I've never contacted the OW. I've been tempted but I decided my dignity was all I had left so I wanted to keep it. Besides, he was the one who was married with children, not her. I agree with what someone else said that their relationship was build on foundations of mistrust and deceit. I don't envy her at all.

@Ant330 I'm glad things are going well and I think you're probably wise to hold a bit back for now. She has some trust to gain back.

Haha @marlboroandmalbec34 those are my kind of stats though I tend to like many fewer. I'm too fussy obviously. Stay away from me women out there ! Oh you are ! Well that's ok then

I would take the 'I'm quite selective' thing with a pinch of salt. I don't think I've been on a date where it hasn't been said by one or both of us. I see it as code for 'I don't do this all the time and I made an effort for you' - though the context is obviously that you are likely to be doing it quite often as that's dating and the chances of meeting someone you get on with are fairly low.

On my way for my lunch date with Mr Old Fashioned. Have a feeling I'm being squeezed in between business meetings as he has moved the time back 30 minutes and has already told me that he will have to cut our afternoon short as he has a business meeting at 5. I dont mind being squeezed in but I don't want to feel like it

Mr perfect is coming to mine for dinner. I have bought new tableware and am finishing painting my boudoir. I've gone full seduction mode. He will want to travel for my dinner service hahaha

Mr Caribbean keeps looking at my profile on the site we met on. It's very tempting to ask why he is looking at it but I'm resisting.

Anyone else noticed if you start tomorrow write a message on here but switch screens mid message the message disappears. Very annoying

@supercali77 have fun and enjoy dessert

@BatshitCrazyWoman Every relationship has challenges. You and Mr BC will get through this. Try to just enjoy today and not think too far ahead.

I have never had the impression he'd string you out. I know it's happened to you before but that wasn't Mr BC. I know it's also hard to not want to learn from being hurt before but you two will be okay.

Beginning to feel like I have been stood up. How long do you give it after a revised meeting time before you leave?

Oh no dancer what time was he meant to be there?have you tried contacting him?

His meeting ran late so he changed it to 1:35. Just heard that his train is being held so it depends. The date hasn't even started and it's already not going well.

I would find it difficult to be in a good mood after all that faffing about, Dancer.

There are also 2 restaurants with the same name a mile away from each other and I'm at the wrong one so now I need to run across London. He did t specify which. Not in a good mood

Oh Dancer I hope your date goes okay after all that!

I have a new iron. I'm meeting him for a drink at 1800. If I like him I'll give him a name.