Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I like that lifegoes

I've abandoned tinder in favour in Fab. Which is full of married/attached men.
And despite my profile saying 'no married/attached' I still get messages asking me to bend my rules because....'my wife knows/it's complicated/I would be divorced but...etc'

My marriage looked happy on the outside but was hell for last 10yrs we were together. My mum was the only person who could see how much I was struggling. All my friends were shocked when I announced my divorce.

They will find another excuse or reason. "Well we weren't happy so it's ok" @BatshitCrazyWoman 😂

Yeah fab is full of them. Although I still like Fab. It's the those that pretend they aren't in a relationship that I detest.

Friendswithbenefits.co.uk has even more married men than fab. A few decent guys amongst the rough. I've just pulled out of meeting Mr Green tonight for a few reasons based on stuff today. If he rearranges I would meet but am not sure he will be back in touch. Gin anyone?

Mr Old Fashioned got in contact with me so I am seeing him tomorrow at 12:45 for tea and then lunch. Already feeling out of my depth as he has given me a choice of 3 restaurants that I usually wouldn't go to as they are on the expensive side and not many options of things I'd eat. Thankfully I had the excuse of dietary restrictions to ask the names so I could look up the menus. I don't know if he is trying to impress me or if it is genuinely the type of food he enjoys, if it's the latter then I don't think things will work out but going with the best of intentions.

@lifegoes yes to the closed doors aspect of happy couples! And to not settling, you just regret that eventually. And that pic is so apt... sadly.

@dancerinthemoonlight texting must come from them and if they take a day to reply they shouldn't expect a quick response from me. I get that life happens but if they routinely take 24h to reply to a text i bin them. I'm not a time slot.

@supercali77 that's weird of the 50 mile guy. I'd say that smacks of unavailable. My narc ex would be all over me texting and wishing he could see me when it wasn't possible (he had his kids or I had mine). But when he was free, tumbleweed... and if I asked he'd be too tired, or football was on. After he'd wormed his way into my heart of course. Can't believe I slipped into his control.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Yeah, he was demoted from FWB when MrNN came along.

I hope peoples weekends are better than the last few days, lots of you have had a bit of a crappy time. So fingers crossed for change 🤞🏽

Ugh. Overheard STBX's phonecall to DS. He was 'driving back from dinner with a friend' which is basically code for 'a date with the OW'. I wish I could just not care but it makes me feel sick to think of me here doing dinner, washing up, bathtime, bedtime, laundry, wrestling two very tired and stressed out children while he's out having a luuuuvvvvverly time with this bitch who has her own husband.

The only thing that brings me any comfort is the thought that I will probably end up financially better off and eventually I may even be happier, though it's hard to truly believe that where I am now.

Any tips on how to stop giving a shit about exes and whatever they're up to?

Honestly time helps. @DustMyselfOff also remember if she has a husband he's going to get royally fucked over. He could even get beat up. She won't leave her husband for him. It's not going to be a nice feeling for him. He will get hurt. And by then you will get to watch and laugh. But also not give one shit. Until then, remember all the shit stuff he's done. How your life is so much better now without him.

@DustMyselfOff I think lifegoes is right about time. But also remind yourself that he didn’t bring anything worth keeping to your life. He’s a liar, a cheat, a coward, selfish...think of all those traits you’re glad to see the back of. And that whoever ends up with him hasn’t triumphed over you - quite the opposite, they’ve relieved you of an unpleasant man.

Get busy, catch up with friends, start a class that you fancy and start investing in yourself. It really helped me. I’m in better shape now than I ever was. xx

Oh there is a very real possibility of what you say @lifegoes but my doom and gloom self is feeling very sorry for itself right now. Plus I can;t even binge on chocolate as I'm trying not to put on all the weight I've lost as the only thing that would make me feel worse right now is going back up the three dress sizes I've gone down!

You know I don't know you at all @DustMyselfOff but from what I've seen on here. You are a marvellous woman and mother. It sounds silly, and I know everyone says you should do everything for you. Improve you etc. But sometimes that doesn't work straight away. You don't have the motivation. So you know what helped me in the past. I did stuff to prove him wrong, I didn't things like losing weight. Toning up etc. I did it with a goal in mind that I would post a picture on Social media so he could see what he's missing.

The funny thing about it was, it gave me the motivation to do things. Out of spite I may add. But by the time I'd accomplished the toning up and looking good. I actually didn't post the picture. Because I no longer cared what he thought.

dustmyself I did everything I could not to overhear any of those conversations so would leave the room as it stung to hear about his weekends away in Paris with his OW or their weekend spa breaks etc whilst I was trying to keep going and deal with kids whose world had changed too. It does however get easier - I'm over 2 years on now and whilst I will never forgive what he did we have a civil relationship for the sake of the kids and I'm aware that his relationship and life with the OW may not in fact be as rosy as I used to convince myself it was. I also have the comforting thought that they both have to live with the fact that either of them could do it again (she cheated on her Dh too) - not a life I'm jealous of at all

@Neverexpected - you make a very good point and I so want to send her a text to that effect but I'm sure she can work it out for herself. Karma baby. I usually do absent myself from the room if I can but I was all comfy on the sofa. Won't make that mistake again!

And @lifegoes - that means a stupid lot to hear. I work hard to be a good person, try and add more to life than I take away, you know? It makes me feel good that maybe I'm doing that enough that even someone who only knows me through words on a screen is getting that feeling. And I do feel very very good (in a spiteful way) about the fact I will be earning quite a lot of money when I start my new job. And there's an onsite gym so yes - I will try and buff up (it's an excuse to not come back until the kids are in bed on his nights - hah!)

Well I only tell the truth @DustMyselfOff and you are a good person. See you have so much to look forward to. Such a better life, imagine if you were with him, you'd have to share that money. 😂😂. Now it's all yours. And you deserve the best life. So just keep thinking ahead. All these great things to come and what does he have?! FUCK ALL. 😘

dustmyself you are right not to send the text. Regardless of the act they are putting on you know she will no doubt have a niggle in the back of her mind eventually that he may well do the same to her. I always thought I'd go to town on OW if one ever came along but actually I remained dignified because she has ended up with someone that isnt the man I married anymore and not someone I would want now so actually pity her

Bat
No you keep your house and rent it out incase the doesnt marry you and leaves his house to the kids
But I’ll be honest, your primary reason for not moving, ie his LW lived their first would be a relationship breaker for me and I’d advise a friend in the same position to run for the hills and then run some more. His friends might advise the same. I am sorry to say I think your view is totally unreasonable

Maybe I can give some perspective @Neverexpected2 @DustMyselfOff I know a friend who was the OW with a guy. He left his wife for her. She was so happy. For the first year I'd say they were happy (mind us as a friend group knew it wouldn't last) but she was so jealous whenever he went to get his kid. Was convinced he would get back with his wife. When they argued he would say my ex never moaned about that. Anyway after 2 years it ended. Why?! He cheated on her. She found out. He denied it but the woman had proof. He then tried to get back with his ex wife. 2 years later.

Believe me ladies, I know that's one example. But still a good example

I would add that is just me and mrbc is probably a far nicer person than i am

Omgggg

I like him soooo muuuccchhh

Even the boring bits of his day I want to talk to him about everything. Gaaaahhh

@dustmyselfoff I agree with previous posters about time. And to repeat what I said the other day going through this shit much us stronger, better people. The dicks that left us don't have half the empathy or self-awareness that we have and will not be able to cope when their new relationship inevitably gets dull.

I also agree with @lifegoes that you sound like a lovely person and a good, caring mother. My children have lost interest in their dad and he's started bribing them with expensive presents because he doesn't know how to repair the situation.

@Howlingatthesun are you really saying that you don't think @BatshitCrazyWoman has a good reason to not move in with MrBC because she doesn't want to live in his late wife's house? I disagree. I think it would be very hard to move into a house where someone has lived with a partner, especially one who has died. I think most people would find it difficult to make it their 'home' and their future. Plus as batshit says her house is near a station and son.

@MoreNiceCereal that's lovely, long may it last!

Well this hasn’t got much to do with the dating thread but I’m just so shocked at human nature. Been out with a new friend who is happily married; she took her wedding ring off and snogged another random guy we met in a pub. I’m betting her husband would not approve. I’m getting very disillusioned with people.

Bats the in-laws visit is bound to cause you to question what the future and your part in it looks like. I can only hypothesise but I'd hope his late wife's parents would know that their daughter would have wanted him to be happy and not be alone for the rest of his life. If they are sensible people then they will know this anniversary visit won't be a permanent fixture and wouldn't be insensitive enough to come to a new home with his new partner in the future.
Clearly the caveat to this is how long people expect him to wait before meeting somebody new, and those around him will have differing opinions.
When you had your hypothetical living arrangements chat what were his thoughts? Whilst it may be a big wrench does he want to stay there or is he doing it for her kids?
Do his LW's kids know about you now? What do they think? I know you said they are adults, but how old are they and how long are they likely to stay living with him?
Although people around him might not be ready for him to move on, you've never really posted anything that made me think he's not and surely that's most important? Some people will never be ready, whether it's 2, 5 or 10 years, and that's for him to deal with.
It's a new situation for him as well so he may not have all the answers, but if he's the man you think he is and have described then you'll be able to work through this together. Stay positive and try not to overthink what the future looks like over the next couple of weeks you're not seeing each other. Easier said than done I know 😉

Thanks Ant. We haven't discussed even hypothetically where we'd live. I'm a chronic over-thinker I have absolutely no doubts that he's ready for a relationship and that he loves me. His friends are delighted for him that he's met someone. One DC is also pleased, the other is really struggling with their grief but is aware of me. I think his late wife's family are always going to struggle with the thought of any new partner. Mr BC knows his own mind though and isn't afraid to 'go against' their opinion.

I know he loves his house. And it's gorgeous so I can see why the adult DC aren't rushing to move out! I've commented on the 'failure to launch' thing (the DC are mid-20s) but do understand that losing your Mum would make it difficult.

The house is where she died

I do think I'm massively over-thinking it all. I've spoken to him yesterday and have been messaging this morning (we're larks lol) and it's clear he really misses me and is upset that circumstances have meant we can't see each other for a while.

Lots to catch up on! Quick update from me, things are going very well with Mr Young (I think he can be promoted to MrY now!) and I'm not pursuing anyone else. Do I get to sit on the smitten bench?!
bat I would feel the same as you re the house and would definitely struggle to live there, with so many memories attached it would be hard anyway but as a fellow overthinker I don't think I could do it.
Dust I really feel for you, it's awful when you have to know of their cosy plans when you're still hurting. I'm about 5 months on now and obviously have to know weekends away for childcare reasons but hand on heart, I don't give a shit anymore. They will always have a niggle at the back of their minds and a relationship that started under such deceitful circumstances can't be all that happy if you ask me!
Time really does help and I have to agree with life that a lot of my self-improvement started out of spite but now I do it for me and because it makes me happy. I've dropped 2st, bought a new wardrobe of clothes I love, invested in therapy and I've renovated my house it looks fucking amazing and it's all mine haha
You'll get there too and have so much to look forward to. I know it's hard to see it now but I promise you'll look back on this time in a little while and see just how amazing you are and how well you've handled it. It's incredibly tempting to message OW but keep the moral high ground, it's a beautiful view up here!!

Bats I'd agree on the overthinking but we all do it 😉
There are lots of positives in what you've just posted, it's just a tricky time.
The logistics of merging lives is difficult for any couple who've spent years with other people and have houses and kids and jobs and... that dictate or at least influence where they live.
But it certainly doesn't sound like you're wasting your good years on the wrong person 😉