Dating thread 171: Turning over new leaves as we head into autumn

[saltysally]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

I'm so glad you are feeling better, life.

Good job shutting it down, Echo. I hope nobody else falls for that line, either.

I was chatting with a man in a poly relationship for a while and it just skeeved me out in the end. Not for me at all.

@FMFL when I first read of it really hurt me. As I could see all the issues with me. But I didn't go past halfway of the book. So I was really worried about reading it last night. However after just going past all of the start of the book and just to the chapter about OW (there's loads more chapters) I found it easier to read. As it talks more about them and what you need to do to help you get away. That's what has helped me

@EchoElephant the thing with the book, a bit as I said above. I hated feeling I was the fallback girl. But actually reading the last lot of chapters about what this is and how to deal with it. That was better than reading about all the mistakes I've made in my life (which honestly felt like that's what I was doing the first time. Which hurt)

Oh and @EchoElephant what a Tw&t my FB told me him and his Childhood sweetheart (let's call it that) were split up. Nope they were planning his wedding.

I do wonder how many woman actually know they are in an open relationship or an unhappy marriage. Because these men seem to love those lines. When reality is the woman/GF/wife is happily plodding along in their relationship.

This month man - is it a freak solar event?
So mr megatext if you recall - thousands of texts etc. A lot of oddness occurred yesterday. He lives 50 miles away. We were due to meet during the day and I was to text him to let him know when....but I decided not to because I didn't have a good instinct. Anyway, on bumble I was considering unmatching him when I noticed.... He was 5 miles away. In my city. And then....he deleted himself. I texted him later, I didn't say i'd seen that. Just regular. He told me then he'd been there, he was thinking if I did text....he could meet me immediately. I asked the obvious question - why didn't you just text me? .... Apparently because he didn't want to put pressure on me as I was working. Something didn't sit right with that explanation. Nothing sits right about any of it. Once again - I have deleted him.

The study in human nature is going really well

batshit sorry to hear you have been unwell and about Mr BC. How long ago did he lose his wife? If its been a few years I think he needs to have a very gentle conversation with his inlaws (not on the anniversary) about him needing to moving on.

lifegoes its a great book. I do the same. dip in and out as I feel like it. I have not done the exercises at the back.

echo unbelievable!! I dont know about anyone else but I see so many guys on the aps who reckon they are non-monogomous. I think its just wanting to have your cake and eat in personally and wonder if the wives always know.

simon is he your best friend?

I had a dream last night that STBX came back early from work because he needed to tell me something important about his future plans because they were going to affect me. I remembered all the work I'd been doing (in actual life) on shutting down his emotional vampirism and so i asked him if anything had actually happened that he needed to tell me about or was it just plans? He stuttered and blustered a bit but I pressed him on it qnd he admitted it was more about his plans so I told him I didn't need to hear about it until it was something that had actually happened.

I am so proud of myself, even though it was a dream. I am putting boundaries in place even in my dreams. Go me. Stupid, emotional leeching dream ex.

I didn't go to bed untik late last night which was a bit silly but I was cooking up a storm ahead of going back to ft work and kind of practicing being on my own of an evening.

It's not always the things you think that are hard about getting divorced, is it?

I love dreams like that @DustMyselfOff

I didn't even know there were exercises at the back 🤦🏻‍♀️ I've only had the book 4/5 months 😂😂. But def good to dip in and out when needed @Marlboroandmalbec34

I also had no clue about the exercises.....I just read enough to make my mind up

Mr Persistent has gone quiet on me after being really keen to know what I wanted to do on a date. Mr Westie formally known as Mr Kind Eyes has suggested meeting up for a drink next week but we will see if that actually happens.

I have a new iron who I will call Mr Old Fashioned who said there is potential for a coffee and museum date tomorrow afternoon but only of he finishes all his work in the morning.

I dont know if I should just take a break from it all as I finally have a date for my surgery which is in 2 weeks and I just seem to have had a string of crappy dates so it's either me or something wrong with the men I see to gravitate towards.

@Dancerinthemoonlight You can come and sit on my 'People Watching' bench if you like. In the last 2 months of this, the most decent man I actually fancy for more than a ONS lives hundreds of miles away and we've ended up in FB/Sexting territory. It's not going to be fast or easy is my feeling

@Dancerinthemoonlight come sit here on the "I'm just window shopping" bench for now.

Is mumsnet playing up for anyone else? It won't let me bookmark or go to last page of thread grrr!
Anyway just popping on to say batshit yes that sounds difficult re Mr BCs late wife and the in-laws -how long ago did she pass away? The positives are that it sounds like Mr BC is just as keen to see you and sounds perfectly natural for him to be slightly distant right now. As it is a very sensitive issue I would probably just support him through this period and try not to think how the anniversary/in-laws would play out in future years if living together. Probably best to wait and have an open conversation about it once it has passed for this year and things have settled back to normal again.

I've noticed since Mr Cactus has relaxed a bit that he's texting me a lot more. Not over the top, just when he wants to tell me something and then we'll chat about things.

I have to say, last night was once of the nicest nights I've had with him. He's poorly so was feeling a bit pathetic so we just cuddled on the sofa and he does this thing where he lifts my dress up, slides his hand down my tights and just rests his hand on my hip. I don't know if its a comfort thing, but there's nothing sexual about it. He'll just keep his hand there and then will lightly hold my other hand, and every now and then kiss my forehead.

Then he felt even more poorly so wanted to go to bed so I went upstairs and we had cuddles for an hour before I had to leave and jeeeezzz my heart aches today. I know I'm not in love, its been 8 weeks but I'm definitely falling hard for him.

Maybe the Mr Unavailable book should be mentioned in the thread rules? I bought it when it was mentioned on a dating thread about 4 years ago! I agree, it's excellent.

It's two years since Mr BC's wife died - I know that's not long and I was projecting forward into the future, really. The in laws may come to expect to always do this. But then I'm very unlikely to move into the house he previously shared with his wife because I wouldn't want to. And the late wife's adult children also live there. It's all completely academic as we are nowhere near that stage anyway, but I spent a year and a half in a relationship that couldn't progress because of similar obstacles and I've no desire to waste any more of my 'good' years . The living together conversation we had came about because I said I didn't want to waste my time .... It's all quite complicated when you're adults! I live near a station, handy to commute to work. He doesn't. I also live quite near the placement where my disabled adult DC lives. He doesn't. Sigh.

@supercali77 and @lifegoes I think I will join the just window shopping bench. Dating shouldn't be this hard or rubbish. If a friend was in my position and told me about the dates it would sound like they were made up. Before I joined the thread I had been on a date with a firefighter who thought he was god's gift to firefighting and just wanted to sit there and stroke my hand. A date where the man turned up an hour and a half late and drunk. Over dinner he talked and shouted at me and it ended with him yelling 'couldn't I turn down my right wing views and fuck a lefty' then stormed out and left me with the bill. Lastly a date that ended in me getting sexually assaulted.

Where are all the good men. I shouldn't be so jaded with dating at 26

I absolutely agree with the dating scene. It's so hard and anybody who hasn't dated in the last 5 years really doesn't get it. Everything is a mind game, which in turn is a headfuckery. It feels like you either have to settle for whoever has the least headfuckery or be single. @Dancerinthemoonlight which I really don't like.

@Dancerinthemoonlight @lifegoes I agree, sometimes when i'm telling people about what's happened I feel like i'm making it up - so bloody ludicrous.

De lurking for this
🦇💩🤪👩
Tricky thing though, you cant expect mr bc to go to the cost of selling his house and maybe then a 6 figure stamp duty bill to buy a new one because you cant face the idea of living in his current one.
And you know how it would go if a woman posted in the vipers nest that her partner wanted the house sold before moving in.
Then you have your son to think about

I guess longer term you have some thinking to do. And as you met only 18 months after his wife’s death he might not be as ready as you think (my friend hasn't so so much as kissed a woman in nearly 3 years)

I am sure it will all work out but maybe not on the terms you had thought.

@lifegoes @supercali77
I completely agree. I don't want to settle because in the end I know that it's not what would make me happy and I'm finally happy being me but its when the loneliness creeps in or I see people I went to school and uni with settling down, getting married and having kids that I think I want that, I want someone to cuddle up with on a winter's evening and to be on my team. At least I found this thread for support and my stories don't seem so ludicrous on here.

I have completely taken a step back with my irons today. I sent the last message. Mr Westie has read his and Mr Persistent hasn't but they both have my number and know how to use a phone so im not going to contact them until they contact me. I'm worth a man texting me first for once.

@Dancerinthemoonlight Great piece of advice I got from here....when that happens. Delete their convos. Delete their number. Just get rid of it all. If they get in touch fair enough. If not they're not there staring you in the face. You'd be amazed how fast you forget people

Can I join in on the window shopping bench?

I absolutely get that. @Dancerinthemoonlight I feel the exact same. Although for me I don't look at anyone and think I wish I had that. And tbh I think that's because half the time all I see are couples trying to pretend they are perfect. We never know what goes on behind closed doors and from the experience ive had in the past year. A LOT of men are looking to cheat or actually are cheating.

I do agree with @supercali77 I always delete their numbers and the conversations so I can't see them. I'm now leaving it to the universe so to speak.

@lifegoes is right. When I found Mr Canal Boat man's GF her SM was full of #love posts meanwhile he's shooting off pics of his privates to randoms.

I seen this and decided that's exactly what I'm going to ask

Ha! lifegoes wonder how these dodgy men will answer that.

Thanks for your thoughts Howling So it's okay for me to sell my property ...?