Just “move out with your kids” ... I really wonder where exactly these people think a woman can just pack up and go off to, potentially with little money and two children in tow who have schools and friends and lives, and who also may not necessarily be aware of any major issues between their parents, so would be completely bewildered at the sudden disruption of everything they know ...
OP, I lived like this for many, many years. The control increases gradually so becomes normalised, as does the treading on eggshells, bending yourself out of shape and curtailing your own life and interests in order not to cause any ‘issues’. Someone upthread said you sounded like a shell of a person, which is 100% what happens to you when you’re dealing with the constant stress, anxiety and exhaustion of managing another person’s ‘rules’ and moods. It may be the case for you, as it was for me, that your kids are secure and happy, and outside perceptions are of a loving, equal relationship (most people would describe me, even now, as being extremely confident and forthright and unlikely to put up with shit from anyone, so it would be hard for anyone to truly understand the reality of my marriage).
OP, you already know that everything about this situation is wrong and that you need to get a hold of it. Don’t do what I did and sleepwalk through the best years of your life, passing up fun and opportunities in order to appease a man who’s likely oblivious to the true impact of his behaviour on you - because he won’t feel he’s being in any way unreasonable until you MAKE him see. He certainly won’t recognise any aspect of what he’s doing as abuse, and will push back very hard at any attempt to characterise it as such.
As long as you’re sure he won’t be physically violent you CAN confront it head on. He won’t be happy at being challenged. He will try to make you feel that you’re the one who’s unreasonable and causing a problem. I know it’s nauseating to even think of having that conversation, but the dread of tackling it will almost certainly be worse than the reality, especially if you know deep down that he loves you. You’ve mentioned his anxiety a lot, and this was also the key driver of my DH’s behaviour.
Google, do some reading, watch some of the psychology pieces on YouTube - arm yourself with knowledge about why and how these dynamics develop in relationships, in order to understand your own behaviour as well as his. It will help you think clearly. Break the cycle. Make him understand that you WILL leave if things don’t change. And in the meantime make some concrete provisions to enable you to leave if you have to, because if things don’t change, you must.
I didn’t do any of these things (besides threatening to leave on one occasion which pulled him up short, but only briefly). Instead, on the cusp of turning 50 I had a brief affair, which has changed everything - ironically for the better as well as the worse. My marriage has just about survived and we are both working hard to keep it together. His behaviour has changed at last, and he’s finally properly understood the catastrophic damage he’s done. And I know that what I’ve done has broken him in some irretrievable way. The whole situation is so sad and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone - the overwhelming emotion I feel every day is shame. Not because I cheated (though I’m consumed with guilt for that), but because I allowed myself to be so controlled and bullied and restricted for literally decades of my life. Please don’t make the same mistakes, OP. Take control of your life. You can do it.