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Original poster

AIBU to not tell dh im going away for a night?

331 replies

Cherriesandroses · 29/09/2019 21:27

My dc are 9 and 3 and I haven’t had a night away from them since they’ve been born. I’ve had evenings out with friends but not a night away.
Two of my best friends have been talking about having a night away in a city, maybe seeing a show and I want to go but I know dh wouldn’t ever agree to it.
He’s away on business for a fortnight in November and I’m tempted to leave the children with my parents for a night (they’d have them happily) and go and not tell him.

Wibu? I guess if he found out afterwards he’d be livid.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/09/2019 07:36

You find out who a man is when you say no to him. Tell him you're going out for the night, don't ask. You are not a child. If he kicks off that tells you everything you need to know.

rwalker · 30/09/2019 07:37

Tell him or don't go . You will be found out and that would look very supicious .

Apolloanddaphne · 30/09/2019 07:37

You should not need to ask his permission to go out or stay out overnight. He is being controlling and abusive. You need to get out of the marriage. It sounds like a jail sentence to me.

LatteLady · 30/09/2019 07:42

Why are you asking? Does he ask you? I very much doubt it, tell him you are going and if you want, when you will be back.

Also, stop the texting, does he do this when he is away? It isn't necessary, you are not a child and he is not your parent.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 30/09/2019 07:46

Oh for goodness sake. Just stand up for yourself and tell him you’re going. Why are you enabling this ‘I’m not allowed’ bollocks. You’re a grown woman so just tell him you’re going and go.

MummyStruggles · 30/09/2019 07:50

Do you realise that you're being abused by this man? Do you realise that you're in an abusive marriage and that his behaviour is completely unacceptable?

I do not understand why you have to ask permission to have a night away with your friends but he can swan off whenever and wherever suits him and for whatever reason he likes!

lickencivers · 30/09/2019 07:52

Wow

Op did you start this thread as a sort of cry for help.

You shouldn't have to ask permission ffs.
You need to do something - it's not healthy and not right that your own DH causes you anxiety.

BeanBag7 · 30/09/2019 07:55

Would you be in danger if you did this and he found out you had stayed overnight somewhere without telling him?

What if your kids tell him about the sleepover at grandmas while he was away? Its not that easy to keep a secret.

Pharlapwasthebest · 30/09/2019 08:01

@Icantthinkofanewname87

This is clearly an abusive relationship, it’s not as simple as standing up for herself, the op has been ground down over a number of years.
Op, you need to leave. There’s lots of good advice on here.

ShatnersWig · 30/09/2019 08:02

Four days ago you had your first thread which was asking about whether you should divorce your controlling husband and everyone said yes based on what you told us. Now you're merely asking if it would be OK to have a night away.

You clearly know this isn't a healthy marriage. There's little to say apart from "get out now"

Millie2016 · 30/09/2019 08:03

OP I’ve just read the other thread.
My initial reaction was book your night away and go. However having read the other thread these issues clearly go much deeper.
You could try to change the dynamic in your marriage. You could try standing up to him, saying no more, putting yourself first, but it doesn’t sound like he is the sort of person to compromise.
If I were in your situation I would start squirrelling away money and making a mental plan to go.
You can give him ‘one last chance’ if it will make you feel better with the decision to leave. Perhaps around this night away that you would like to go on? Good luck OP. YANBU.

NekoShiro · 30/09/2019 08:05

If you can't argue with him about it when he's there then I doubt you're gonna argue with him about it now, don't go, he'll just bring it up forever if you do it behind his back, call him and mention it to him, tell him your an adult and your kids will be perfectly safe, ask him why hes so against you going, is it for you saftey? You're a grown woman who can look after herself with other adult women, is it because he doesnt trust anyone else to look after your kids?

You've gotta figure out exactly why he's so hard stuck on this issue and then compromise from there or nothing is gonna change

HiJenny35 · 30/09/2019 08:06

Use the two weeks he's away to move out into with your kids. Don't stay with a man who controls you like this.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 30/09/2019 08:13

He would not allow it??? Good grief we are not in the 1950s! If my DH had said this to me when my DC were younger I would have laughed in his face.

Grafittiqueen · 30/09/2019 08:13

Why do you have to ask his permission?! You're an adult, he's not your parent. This is controlling and abusive behaviour from him.

AllStarBySmashMouth · 30/09/2019 08:18

Go.

And when you come back, LTB.

Benes · 30/09/2019 08:19

What does he think you are doing while you're out?
Me and Dh message when we're out so it's not necessarily a sign of an unhealthy relationship as others have said ( we're just prolific texters and never stop talking to each other!) But it's not an issue when we don't text and there's no expectations.

The way you describe your relationship is as an abusive one and I'd be making plans to leave if I were you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/09/2019 08:22

You've had a lot of good advice on this post OP but you're not addressing the real issue at hand - that your DH is abusive and controlling. Are you going to do anything about your situation?

Oldbutstillgotit · 30/09/2019 08:24

OP do you have access to money or are you dependent on him giving it to you ?

cees · 30/09/2019 08:26

You realise you are showing your kids how to be controlled in their future relationships. Just go, either away from your abusive husband or on the night away, switch off phone and ignore him. Your kids will be safe with your parents.

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2019 08:30

Stop asking.

Why are you asking permission as if you’re a child?

I know it’s not right but I’ve no other options at the moment.

You do. There are ALWAYS other options.

You can’t stay in a relationship where you’re effectively a prisoner.

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2019 08:31

Is he controlling and jealous in other ways?

ASundayWellSpent · 30/09/2019 08:32

Why are you asking permission as if he is your parent? In normal relationships you talk to your partner about your plans as a courtesy and to make sure they haven't got any engagements that might clash... Not so that they can approve or disapprove them for you! He is being absolutely ridiculous and, I'm sorry if this is blunt, but you are enabling him by not doing things because the aggro is too much for you

user1487194234 · 30/09/2019 08:43

I think you should look at getting some help, is there any one you can talk to, a close friend,or family member.
Or try and get some counselling, or Womens Aid

As everyone has said this is not normal behaviour,but I can understand it is not as simple as just saying stand up to him

JumpingThroughHoopss · 30/09/2019 08:55

I’ve asked a couple of other times - for convienence - if I can stay at a friend’s and he’s said no and that’s it

You've asked him? You're not 10 asking permission to go play out from dad. You don't need to ask him anything OP.

You should tell him your plans out of mutual respect but not ask.

He's sounds like an abusive prick. The next thing you should be telling him is that you're leaving!