Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

No, but I should start really.

🤦🏻‍♀️

He says that if he hadn’t met me then he wouldn’t have had the kids so they wouldn’t have needed looking after, and his career was established before he met me.

Er, but he has had kids. Sounds like he thinks you are some kind of independent hanger-on and the kids are appendages of you and nothing to do with him. Which is nuts. Surely even if he doesn't acknowledge your role in his life and career (which is hurtful in itself) he understood that children don't just exist as a fun little trophy to show off, you have to actually provide for them, they get some of your wealth also just for existing etc. I mean that's how it works. It's passed down.

Honestly he is beyond belief - but I do believe you.

He’s very generous with the kids. But then this isn’t about generosity vs meanness, it’s about control.

And it wasn’t always like this; he’s got into some habit of making a dig about every last thing, and I can’t fight back because it’s in front of the kids. He’s said to me today “I’ve had enough of your lip”. Who on earth talks like that? It’s like I’m an unruly teenager, not a woman pushing 50.

When we met he was all about equality, but apparently we were only equal when we were both wearing a suit.

he does the grocery shop. He refuses to let me do it as he says I “can’t stick to a budget” but then he doesn’t meal plan and buys loads of processed crap. It’s weird, the shopping. It’s a thing. We have to have loads of fizzy drinks in

If that were me I’d have refused to let him do it in the basis that he incompetent at nutrition, meal planning and proper budgeting.

Mind you I’d have punched him in the face a long time ago.

He sounds horrible and clearly sees you as beneath him. I hope you win your case. Get away and start undoing the damaging attitudes he has passed on to your children. Best of luck.

Unfortunately you can't argue with a fool....and that's what he is sadly.
You sound a lovely wife and mum.
I wonder what his boss / colleagues would say / think about him if they knew.

Sallievp I swear he thinks he is father and husband of the year. He has said repeatedly that he doesn’t know any dad who does as much with his kids as he does. Which is nonsense of course, and what he does do with them is entirely on his terms. He does love them, for sure. I think he sees me as the (financial) enemy somehow and that he must protect the kids from my profligacy, whilst spending £140 a week on leisure, but he has earned that, see?

I think whatever you said to him / how ever you explained it he just wouldn't get it 😓

He totally understands the point. It suits him to spout this nonsense. The only thing you can do is get out and make sure you have enough money to pay for a good lawyer to make sure you get proper maintenance for your kids. Start saving as much as you can even if this means selling stuff on the sly. It is not abusive to say no to this crap and your kids will be thanking you for leaving the twat before you know it.

He does know all the things but he denies them so he can be in control and have everything his way. Of course he prefers to say you are selfish rather than admit he is doing anything wrong and therefore should change.

I don't know how you've put up with his shit for so long.

With every update he sounds even more of a wanker.

You deserve better than this. A lot better.

I really loved him. Really really. And I’ve viewed everything through the knowledge of his poverty stricken childhood. And I guess that’s the point about coercive control - it creeps up. I must sound extremely stupid though.

I identify with a lot being said here. I feel these double standards are embedded into our culture. Fundamentally, unremunerated work gets zero respect despite lip service paid to "caring" roles in society. I am in the process of calculating all the "extra" domestic chores I do which go ignored largely by others in the household to prove how much I would earn if it was paid labour on top of my paid salary. I suggest you make similar calculations in a spreadsheet and present it to your husband, then tell him to get his arse our of his head and recognise that you both share a parenting role and pay you some Goddamn respect!

I'm not a lawyer so may be talking out of turn - however -

I appreciate you deserve 50% at the very least of 'his' money, but if you have some money and are about to possibly have more, won't that be put into the marital pot too when dividing everything up?

Not out of turn at all, I have no money. Nothing. I have debt, which now I have had a change in my circumstances financially, I can no longer service that, and am defaulting. He knows this.

The legal case and my situation (think along the lines of I was paid dividends which now no longer exist) is meant to compensate me for my loss of income, in which case it’s unlikely to be counted in the pot, but frankly i don’t care. If it makes everyone’s lives easier then fine, I can just leave and buy myself somewhere.

Sounds to me like he’s insinuating that if he hadn’t met you he wouldn’t have had SN kids. Men with big jobs have big egos and often can’t face being parents of kids with SN. You should definitely seek legal advice.

Please don’t back down on this OP - saying he’s been painted to be worse than he is. He controls the groceries, talks down to you, allows the children to perpetuate an attitude of his money / his house. And now you say you’ve been giving him £8k a year??? He’s the main breadwinner, you’re looking after your (joint your, your AND his) children. Why on earth should you have been giving him money?! Contributing to the family pot, great. But running down your funds so you’re now in debt??? I bet he’s been merrily saving his money into his own savings account. He’s a mean tight bastard, don’t defend him!

Actually this thread gives me flashbacks to a family I used to babysit for as a teen the dh was like this to his wife. She was lovely intelligent woman but he had a big job (surgeon) and treated her with contempt even in front of us. She left him obviously but abit too late as her two little boys picked up the attitude to her from him. As as a teen it was awful to see a lovely intelligent woman being treated like that.

And I’ve viewed everything through the knowledge of his poverty stricken childhood. And I guess that’s the point about coercive control - it creeps up. I must sound extremely stupid though.

You don’t sound stupid at all. In fact I have a friend in a not dissimilar situation and who, academically, is bordering on genius.

She too viewed her DH’s issues through the prism of a terrible childhood. In the long run, really, he’s just an arsehole bully.

The bad childhood was presented as a major wound to manipulate getting what he wanted and keeping control of any situation.

Start viewing everything through the lens of your impoverished old age.

You don't sound like a fool at all OP.
You sound like someone in a truly awful marriage with a really horrible man controlling you.

Your children will know more than you realise, especially as they grow older.

Don't waste further energy trying to understand him.

Focus on getting out. Focus on your future.💐

I am a SAHM with joint access to finances although I do have some of my own money on top.
My dh sent me this msg recently

You should be very proud of yourself for how you've raised two wonderful children. A new chapter of your life starts now dc2 at school. Time for you to do what you want to do and enjoy yourself xxx

I know you are all right. We have had another blow up today and I walked away, I fee so sick when he starts shouting and of course the kids are around. He had read my journal (it wasn’t hidden, it was in the kitchen) and I’d written a list of things I could sell, mostly jewellery, and some old computer games of his and the kids. He went mental and started calling me a thief again. He’s gone on and on about it, and today I snapped and said I thought it was remarkable that the bit he had ignored was the fact his wife was contemplating selling her jewellery to make ends meet, the same week he’d charged me a fiver for the use of his car.

He’s back tracking now and saying that he will settle my bills if I give him all the details and transferred a wedge into my account, which was actually to cover a medical bill for one of the kids. Our insurer should have covered it but didn’t, and he said that as I’d organised it, I should pay it so I stuck it on my credit card because they sent CCJ papers.

So he can just reach down the sofa and pull out £££ when I’m scraping together money to fill up the car! This is so so so fucked up.

I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I haven’t got to furious yet, I’m just sad.

Sorry to go on. I need to keep reading this thread so I don’t think “it’s not THAT bad” and the. Stick my head in the sand again.