Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Our main asset is our house and that’s in joint names, and presumably your friend’s partners aren’t the sort of men who go from appearing normal to charging their wife a fiver to borrow the car. Are your friends married to their partners? What happens if the partner decides not to pay their allowance every month? How do they decide how much that is anyway?

I really do not understand why your DH does not want to use his money to benefit his family. If your DCs are likely to need care in the future or need help to live independently then you might suggest to your DH that he sets up trust funds for them (or whatever financial experts advise). At least that way the money is going to the DCs. If he is not willing to do that for his own children it shows him to be the selfish individual he appears to be right now.

Because he is bloody materialistic and only sees worth when it comes to money and puts no value on sentimental things and other responsibilities.

Sadly. Quite common

The kids have trust funds which he set up. He was paying into them too, don’t know how much, I had no access to them. It’s the unilateral decision making which cracks me up. But anyway he is very much focussed on them not suffering the financial hardships he did. And then gives himself a great big pat on the back.

Work out how much money you saved on childcare per child depending on their needs, drop offs, pick ups, plus your spendings, plus house chores if you contributed more (look up current rates), plus tutoring if you were helping with homework/school work, plus any other domestic things you do (cooking?)..

Work out the professional rates. Divide it by .

Present him the document with your financial contribution.

But put the rate as what the rate would’ve been based on your qualifications in your last job and the expected career growth and rate growth.

Let him also pay the compensation of making you redundant from work because he gave you kids to look after.

The trust funds are theirs and can't be accessed (I hope) by anyone but them when they are adults. That won't help you feed, clothe and house them - and nor will he, because he will perceive child maintenance as money for you, not the children.

Just to reiterate what First said about how it should be. I am a SAHM and have been for 15 years, in that time Dh has built his career because I am responsible for the children whilst he is at work.

But, when he is home, he is completely hands on, cooks on a weekend as he enjoys cooking for us, he knows the children as well as I do (they are now 16 and 13) and we have a joint credit card which is paid off automatically every month.

I have access to the joint account which has all the direct debits on it, I can move money to my own account should I need to and I never have to justify any spending of any kind. Ever.

I was encouraged to spend days out or weekends with the friends I left behind when I quit yet another job to be a trailing spouse as Dh earned far more than me, he would spend the weekend with 2 children under 4. He loved it even though Ds2 had severe reflux and was quite demanding care wise. Yes children are hard work but easier if you actually know your children.

I feel cherished and loved. We have been together over 20 years and we are very happy. So it can be very different, not every man is a fuckwit. Dh was determined not to be like his own hands off, aloof, disapproving father who did nothing whilst his wife did everything.

I hope you get a great settlement and are able to move on and be happy.

At least he has given some thought to his DC's future, but he should involve you in the decisions. I still think he needs a taste of looking after the DCs without access to money (and preferably no fuel in the car or a sudden puncture) just to make him face your day to day reality.

You are entitled to far more than half in your circumstances.
2 kids with SEN will make it really difficult for you to find a job I am guessing. Are the DC likely to ever be fully independent? Your H is clearly very uninvolved. Do you really think he will see much of them when you are divorced or will everything be up to you?

You say you have a solicitor. Do they have experience with situations like this? Please focus on getting the best advice you can. I would expect you to get 70 percent of assets, spousal maintenance and for child maintenance to continue past the age of 18, depending on the extent of the SEN.

focus on yourself and your future, not on why he thinks what he thinks.

Good luck

Oh come on. You know he is being an arse.

CJsGoldfish the children are indeed picking up on this. One of them, the littlest called me “lazy good for nothing” and another said “this is daddy’s house because daddy paid for it.”

It’s the single biggest push to get me to leave
OMG! They said that to you?
The longer you stay, the longer you are raising little mini's of your DH. They will go on to treat their own partners that way because it is all they know and the people they love most in the world have shown them it's normal.
Glad to see you are making moves to leave, truly hope you follow through and don't leave it too late. For you children but also for you.

This is just utterly in unbelievable. I can't fathom how anyone could have endured this evil dog for 15 years. You say he even chooses the groceries. Obviously so he can control how much is spent on food. He doesn't even allow you to go to the supermarket and buy food with his precious money. I can't comprehend the level of his control over you. I'm so glad you have got to the end of this dreadful marriage and are taking steps to divorce him.

But anyway he is very much focussed on them not suffering the financial hardships he did. And then gives himself a great big pat on the back.
A new partner might turn up with kids in tow. 10 years down the line are you sure he will honour his good intentions? especially if you now had a new partner. His new DP might want to move to the US, wherever, would he still honour his promise? Something might happen to you ---- or to him?
Just make sure it is well tied up.

I'm stay at home mum, two young kids, DH with a big job. First thing he did when he got his first big bonus was to split it 1/3 between joint, his and my savings. All money goes into the joint account. That's a partnership IMO, he respects that I facilitate business trips and give him a nice home to come back to, I respect that he works his balls off and doesn't need to come home to a pile of shite house so I try to do most of the household management, however when he is home he is responsible for 50% of chores and childcare. Because he's an adult and a parent.

You deserve so much better.

Often divorce leaves the woman worse off than sticking out the marriage, but I’m this situation you’d be so much better off leaving him. I don’t know how you’ve stuck it out this long. I’d get my papers and evidence in order over the weekend and end it next week, instructing a solicitor the following day.

Find out a how much a CEN nanny costs, then a cleaner/housekeeper and a secretary - that is the equivalent of 'your' contribution.

You have also contributed your future earning potential. and probably your pension.

And that is just the financial contribution, the emotional one is just as important.

Good luck on your life after divorce, he is an abusive ass.

He needs reminding that the DLA is not for general household expenses but is intended solely for the additional costs that having a disabled child involve.

Hang on, I need to clarify, he’s being painted to be far worse than he is. As I said in my OP, until recently I had a highly unusual financial arrangement from which I contributed £8k a year to him, and I kept the rest, so I had my own money. It was a fraction of what he gets obviously but it meant that until recently I was able to do some retirement planning for example, and didn’t feel beholden to him. He kept his (substantial) income, I had mine plus the DLA which mostly went on the extras for the kids, rightly so. It has still been highly unequal, he is still massively controlling, but I need to clarify, I haven’t spent 15 years penniless, although it’s no thanks to him.

Yes he does the grocery shop. He refuses to let me do it as he says I “can’t stick to a budget” but then he doesn’t meal plan and buys loads of processed crap. It’s weird, the shopping. It’s a thing. We have to have loads of fizzy drinks in, and the fridge has to look full or he gets anxious.

Omg I'm so glad you're divorcing him

I hope you have an amazing SHL if you do and they are good around coercive control etc would you PM me their name, I am assuming you're in London btw!

Same as @musti I left my husband 5 years ago and have never been happier. We have 50:50 care which has REALLY made him change his attitude. Financially I cope as I'm now able to work and I have my self respect back.

The children have been affected, but are mature and well adjusted, they can now see how little he does for them, which whilst hard for me to witness/ hear about after their visits to him, I DO believe it is better than them growing up believing that it's the mother's job to do everything.

Financially he's much better off, living in the family home, full pension, The Big Established Job etc, and doesn't pay me maintenance, but I'm saving up for mediation/ divorce.

Do not make the mistake of thinking he will always look out for the children. He will not.

I know someone who was in a similar situation. She had one child with her high earning husband, a little boy with some very complex needs. Her husband made a big parade of being the father of a disabled child - lots of pictures of "my brave little man" on social media. The reality of their lives was very different, and my friend eventually left him. He promised that his son would want for nothing.

Within three years, he had remarried and had another child. He now has three of what he calls his "normal" children, he no longer sees the first child, who he referred to as "a dud".

My friend cannot work due to needing to care for her son. His life could be vastly improved by various intensive therapies and treatments, but she has no money for them. Not to mention the tiny house they live in which isn't really suitable for his needs. Obviously she fights for what support she can from the NHS, but we all know how increasingly difficult that is. Her boy is suffering for want of money, money which his father has in spades.

Be very careful. Get a second opinion re your financial settlement. Take him for all you can get.

If the DLA paid for extras, who paid for the basics for the kids? The clothes, shoes, classes, travel to appointments etc?

Trust funds are all very well but, like everything else, they are capital assets controlled by him. (Are they actually trusts in their names, or are they in his name? When I looked into saving for children, real trusts were a very expensive way of doing it, because of the way they're taxed). But, what is he paying towards his DCs day to day? It sounds as though he relies on your savings and the state for this.

It is really extraordinary that you have been burning through savings, or whatever your particular situation is, certainly living at an unequal level within the same household, rather than throwing funds into one pot and making budgeting decisions equally. That he has not even been willing to support you as the carer for his children. He must think of you as less than a care worker, rather as an unpaid servant, living off leftovers. Some sort of modern slavery.

You haven't been a SAHM. They are created by mutual agreement and have access to funds, for the children and covering their own costs.

Do you claim carers allowance alongside DLA?