Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

775 replies

Suewiththeredford · 27/09/2019 10:20

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 16:11

It is pretty bad OP. At least as bad as my friend’s situation and she and her first court hearing last week.

Original poster
Suewiththeredford · 29/09/2019 16:13

You have more than one hearing? How did it go?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 16:16

Fairly grim, he’s fighting tooth and nail to keep hold of as much money as he can, so it will be decided by the court. Next one is not for 3 months.

Original poster
Suewiththeredford · 29/09/2019 16:19

Are they still in the same house?

OP posts:
BlueLines · 29/09/2019 16:21

Please keep going OP.

Your life will be considerabily richer with happiness Flowers

Ikeameatballs · 29/09/2019 16:34

You are in an abusive relationship. Please get out as soon as you can. Seek at least half of everything, do it ASAP so he can’t hide assists/become self-employed.

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 16:42

Yes. He won’t leave. During their marriage he had a property elsewhere which he fucked off to regularly to my friend’s chagrin. Now she’s called time he won’t leave the house. Ever.

Rtmhwales · 29/09/2019 16:43

Wouldn't it make more financial sense to divorce before the court case finishes? Then you walk away with half of the marital assets and all of the settlement? Not sure if that's been asked already.

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 16:45

That was my question earlier. I don’t know if it would work like that in practice as getting divorced takes a long time. If the money came in during the divorce process it might be count as a joint asset, or because it has been pending during the marriage anyway.

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/09/2019 16:47

He’s back tracking now
you challenged him and he backed down quickly, this suggests to me that he is VERY aware of how thin the ice is, he couldnt risk you challenging him on anything else (he knows he doesnt have a leg to stand on) so he acted quickly to placate you.
This tells you that you have much more power/leverage in the situation than you realise.
It might be better to just play dumb in many respects?

pallisers · 29/09/2019 16:52

Not that bad! He sounds mentally ill to me. He is an abusive father too - talking to you like that in front of his children and teaching them that you are lazy or he owns the house - that is abuse. Don't pretend to yourself that he is a good father because he is not. He is a bad father and an atrocious husband.

Original poster
Suewiththeredford · 29/09/2019 16:54

One of my friends asked was he mentally ill. It’s entirely possible. But he can’t “hear” me so carries on regardless.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/09/2019 17:32

It does sound like he has profound mental health issues, which in no way excuses his behaviour. Unfortunately, he's functional enough that he will no doubt refuse to acknowledge there's a problem - which is pretty standard with people who are abusive.

billy1966 · 29/09/2019 20:02

OP, he couldn't possibly be normal and behave like he does.

He backtracked quick enough as another poster said.

While you are getting your ducks in order, may I suggest that you start telling him that you are going to your local welfare office to look for financial help.

Obviously that will bring the spotlight on the children with social services, but so be it.

I think if you box very clever about suggesting being open to social services about how financially strapped you are, you may well put him on the back foot.

The next time he gives you the slightest bit of grief, you tell him it's ok, you have made an appointment with the local welfare office for help with petrol, shoes, food, whatever you can think of.

Tell him you have an appointment with the children's school for free lunches.

Being prepared to shine a great big light on how poor you are and difficult life is for you, could give him pause for thought.

A lot of this bullshit goes on below the radar because women juggle to cover it up.

I wonder how he would feel under a major spotlight.
💐

HelloYouTwo · 29/09/2019 20:40

Shock you had to pay your child’s medical bill? As in, he has enough money to do so - but he won’t? He won’t pay his own child’s medical bill? And you’re having to sell things to pay that debt?

Keep on reading this thread, do not think for one instant that he’s not that bad. Or that he’s a good father. A good father would not criticise his children’s mother in front of them and a good father would pay his child's medical bills.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/09/2019 21:04

Wow. Whose children does he think they are?

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 21:09

OP’s. Because y’know if he hadn’t met her he wouldn’t have had them.

Original poster
Suewiththeredford · 29/09/2019 21:14

What happened was, we all went for lunch yesterday and I ended up putting it on my card (this really wasn’t his fault, he had to deal with something else) and later he said “I’ll give you the money for lunch, I know you’re broke” and I said Thankyou but it would also help if you sorted out the hospital bill for DS1, and then he exploded. I said I’d paid it because they sent court papers and he said that he would settle it and that he was “always going to do it anyway”Angry

I was so angry I walked out. When I came back he said that he would settle all my debt and I said I wouldn’t have had any debt if he hadn’t been such a controlling prick about money for years and years and that I’ve been really stupid to put up with it this long.
Lots of ridiculous back peddling from him with a promise to pay everything by tomorrow.

And apparently my role at home with the kids, whilst helpful, is really neither here nor there and he would never have brought debt to the family and he would have got a second job rather than let that happen.Angry

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 21:21

And apparently my role at home with the kids, whilst helpful, is really neither here nor there

O rly.

SunsetYorks · 29/09/2019 21:23

So angry on your behalf Angry

AnotherEmma · 29/09/2019 21:36

"When I came back he said that he would settle all my debt and I said I wouldn’t have had any debt if he hadn’t been such a controlling prick about money for years and years and that I’ve been really stupid to put up with it this long."

Well said!

I'm glad you've found your anger. Be careful, though. He will ramp up his anger now you've found yours.

RhinoskinhaveI · 29/09/2019 22:08

I think he knows exactly how it out of order he's been but he enjoys lording it over you
He's been rumbled and it's all gonna unravel for him now...

LannieDuck · 29/09/2019 22:22

And apparently my role at home with the kids, whilst helpful, is really neither here nor there

So from tomorrow he's going to be doing half the drop-offs/pick-ups and half the childcare alongside his regular job? Since, y'know, it's neither here nor there...

RandomMess · 29/09/2019 22:47

He really is awful!!!

How much does he think a full time nanny and housekeeper cost gross Angry

AMAM8916 · 29/09/2019 23:01

One of my old bosses at work used to say things like babysitting.

For example, I'd say what's your plans for the weekend and he was like oh this, that and Sarah (his partner) is going out for dinner with her mum so I'm babysitting.

I really wanted to smack him across the face. Babysitting your own child? 🤔.

He also used to moan about his partner and tell me how he gave her pocket money (but not himself) then once she got a job, she was the best thing since sliced bread and he married her 😮.

She was just someone to look after their kid and give up his hard earned cash to while she was at home raising their son and all sorts but once she got a job, he respected her more. DICK