Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

He's a self-centred misogynist who evidently doesn't value either you or your (his too) kids.

well guess what, he doesn’t lift a finger and is lazy and entitled. I love him because he’s my dad

My father was a bit like this, but I'm not sure that actually, I love him particularly. Certainly I have little respect for him - he's a weak and emotionally unintelligent man.

OP will your husband be prepared to deal with his DCs' indifference? Because that's what my father's reaping ...

Your H is a Big Jobbie. My mouth has been open and my eyes doing that wide, incredulous stare thing as I read this.

You sound like you're on top of what you need to be doing. As would be expected from a bright, intelligent, able (former) Big Job holder.

Would it be best to at least put a legal separation marker in the sand prior to your settlement? I know you've said that your lawyer advises settlement first. Did they give their reason for that, and indicate risk of it having to be split with Big Jobbie?

Good luck with everything.

And please, get a really good lawyer who will get you MORE THAN HALF. Please!

Remember his pension.

Get maintenance to make up for the ways in which children with SEN mean you can't work.

I strongly suggest you hire a forensic accountant. He will be hiding money.

And get an absolutely shit hot lawyer who will go for at least 70% of the house, long term spousal maintenance due to SN childcare needs plus half his pension. Oh and not a penny of your potential incoming legal stuff. Make damn sure that you are clear that during your marriage you were NOT actually a SAHM - you contributed financially out of your own pocket and he bled that dry while keeping control over savings which should have been joint as a result.

This. @FizzyGreenWater is spot on.

And get an absolutely shit hot lawyer who will go for at least 70% of the house, long term spousal maintenance due to SN childcare needs plus half his pension. Oh and not a penny of your incoming potential legal stuff. Make DAMN SURE that you are clear that during the marriage you were NOT actually a SAHM - you contributed financially out of your own pocket and he bled that dry while keeping control over savings which should have been joint as a result. He's a scammer.

This.

A friend of mine got 60% + half of her ex's pension, because she'd resigned her job and moved 1000 miles to support her ex's career (I thought she as mad at the time, but hey, ... true love), and raised their child. In the back of beyond (not the UK).

Her solicitor had started the negotiations at 70% .

Within five years of them moving her ex then started to carp at her about her not "contributing" financially.

These men are misogynist arses.

I can’t get my head around the double standard of how exhausting it is for HIM to have the kids but for me, it’s a piece of piss

You and a few million other women around the world. This is such a common mentality for fathers. It's fucking bullshit and I hope to god this way of thinking has died out by the time my daughter is old enough to have her own children.

I am going through divorce now and have some similarities re our H’s and jobs.
What he is saying is very typical of high earning men who had their previously-high-earning wives give yo their career to raise children - while the men went on to build their earning potentials.
Ignore it. It makes no difference what he thinks.

Marital assets - including all the savings and pension are 50% yours, as a min.
Then children are entitled to child maintenance.
And you are most likely entitled to a certain maintenance over a period of time. Which can be rolled into a one time payment upfront to have a clean break.

So - once (if) your settlement comes in - I’d do a thorough calculation of all - all assets, your future expense needs, kids, your potential future income - some sort of part time can be expected, though with little ac to actual earnings.
Then and only then I’d decide which way to go.
If your settlement is enough for you to leave comfortably with the kids - with him paying only kids maintenance - then you are lucky.
Otherwise - why not fight for what you have a fair claim to?

Now he is saying he is bankrolling me, and I should be a lot more grateful

Money = power to him which means he has control and you need to be very grateful for every scrap he throws you. I was with Ex for 15 years before I realised the extent of his views on women.

As someone else said he is classic corporate sociopath and they are extremely clever at hiding their true character.

Be warned he may fight you very hard for money and be vindictive in the process. Ex H was so unpleasant/vile/lied during the divorce that means we will never be able to have an amicable parenting relationship. I know I acted within my values so couldn't do anything different.

If this happens, and I hope it doesnt, just prepare yourself because they can change from "Mr Keep the door open to "Mr I will win at all costs".

Very hard thread to read, but to live!

He sounds repulsive.

As other's have said.

Get as much as you can.

He has behaved dreadfully.

Make him pay, where it hurts.

Men like that do not not love the wives or children.

It's all about power and control.

💐

Just so you know my solicitor told me that when there are shit loads of assets eg millions they just go for 50/50. Anything else gets too complicated and the aim of the courts is to ensure that both spouses plus kids end up non damaged. Eg everybody comes out with similar standard of living. If 50/50 when husband is earning 120k a year means he gets to live nicely but that split means the wife ends up in a poxy apartment because the area is really expensive, then she would get more. Every case is measured on its own merits depending on need, standard of current living, prices of house in the area where your kids currently attend school. Doesn’t matter what your husband thinks you are entitled to, the courts start from the basic assumption that everybody comes out the same. Fair. What’s best for the kids trumps everything else. What’s best for the kids is for them to maintain status quo and not have living standard damaged. The fact you sacrificed your career, have sen kids, are primary carer DOES all have a significant impact. My SHL explained all of that to me. Keep that in mind. Start keeping records of all kids expenses. Start writing a diary of what you do (meetings etc) to show why it would be impossible for you to return to work. You’ve got this. Kids needs come first.

Oh and start playing your cards very close to your chest

I agree with PP that you need to be careful, and act compliant while you are getting your legal position sorted. Sometimes men like this (who refuse to accept that their wives are human beings, and who see themselves as the Head of the Household, the Centre of the Universe, and the person in the family, with the rest of you being props and accessories) can be dangerously destructive once they realise that they are losing control. He may hide money, for example. He may damage or destroy possessions (it's rare but not unheard of for abusive men to smash up the house or the furniture rather than allow the ex-wife to benefit from it). He may make threats, or encourage the children to abuse you verbally, or to be afraid of you.
He is not your partner: he is an enemy.

“So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?”

Luckily for you he doesn’t have to make sense of it... the courts already have.

He sounds like a right knob OP. You don’t deserve being kept in this cage.

DIVORCE.

It’s financial abuse. You’re entitled to share the family income.
My ex was like this. He’d make me drive to his work and ask him for £10 if I needed money in front of everyone in the office. So humiliating.
If you dropped dead, it would cost your dh a fortune to replace everything you do.
Child care, school runs, laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking, organising, appointments, the list is endless. My ex is still a twat. Uses money unless I smile sweetly and fluff his feathers. Makes me sick. I can’t wait to go back to work so I can tell him to sod off and he will have no more control.

Ps, start discreetly collecting financial info, ie bank statements, pension paperwork, the whole lot. Don’t tell him. Then file for divorce and take your payment for the sacrifice you’ve made and your incredibly valuable contributions.

What everyone else said!

Finances should be completely shared in a marriage (or similar set up) imo.

I'm a sahm and have full access to everything as my fiancé and I have a joint account. That's the way it should be imo.

Sorry your husband is making things difficult, he sounds awful

I agree you need to protect your legal case money. He sounds absolutely capable of going for a big share of it.

Make sure your lawyers know about the comments made by your children. I believe judges take a dim view of parental alienation.

I don’t often say it but he sounds like a cunt. Does he not realise how hard what you do is? I have three kids and 2 have Sen. One attends a special school. My husband could not work in a decent job without me picking up everything else. He’s careful with money as with only one of us working we’re not flush but he knows I’ve sacrificed a lot. I’m well educated, had a good job and after 10 years of caring I’m probably a shadow of my former self. He clearly doesn’t see what you do as important. My husband sometimes envies that during the day all the kids are at school but that has taken 10 years of being screamed at, hit, meltdowns, nappies, smearing and being so lonely I could cry to get to them being at school. Personally I’d divorce. It’s not you breaking your kids hearts it’s him for being a total and utter tosser.

I agree you need to protect your legal case money. He sounds absolutely capable of going for a big share of it.

Would filing for divorce before it comes in help?

He says that if he hadn’t met me then he wouldn’t have had the kids so they wouldn’t have needed looking after, and his career was established before he met me.

I am an intelligent woman but this gives me a headache.

He may have a good job but he is really not that intelligent is he?? Christ, dump the prick.

Now he is saying he is bankrolling me, and I should be a lot more grateful

Oh they soooo love the power, don't they!

Take as much as you can get, in cash and assets for a clean break. Forensic accountant if needed, he will be hiding money. He doesn't sound like he can be relied upon to support the children he "didn't want" and given their significant long term needs, you need to make them secure.

You know I was talking to some girlfriends who chose to take time out to raise their kids about this issue- they have ensured their financial security by having assets in joint names and ensuring either they have a joint account with full access or their partner contributes something to their account every month.