Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

What an absolute cunt! I’ve only just gone back to work after 10 years (we have two primary aged kids with Sen). But my husband has never been awful about money. He’s very careful but he grew up with no money. I’m so glad you’re getting a divorce. He sounds utterly vile.

OP,
You can bet a mean, despicable bastard like that who refuses to provide for his children has money stashed.

SHL will know to instruct a forensic accountant. It will be money well spent.

Until he has provided full disclosure, i wouldn't dream of agreeing a thing.

Your children have years yet, you need to focus on worst case scenario and make sure he provides for it.

Stay strong

SHL will know to instruct a forensic accountant. It will be money well spent.

This. You're only going to do this once.

Do you have your necessary paperwork in a safe place? ie in someone else's house?

I did mediation today. The mediator agreed it was not a suitable process for our particular position and has issued a mediation certificate. Next stop is pushing for full disclosure.

@picklemewalnuts in answer to your question, no, never. I’m not wired that way, and as a result I couldn’t see it for ages when he was doing it, because what sort of a human can live with themselves and act like such a sly dickhead?

Quite.
So that's another step ticked off. Well done.

This thread popped up - I posted (NC since then) - I hope things are moving along for you @Suewiththeredford - I found it such a shocking thread from the very start.

I hope your SHL is really getting on with it, and you get 70% of everything.

Thankyou. It still feels very surreal. The SHL has written to say I can apply for the Nisi but obviously hold off the absolute until we’ve agreed everything. I don’t feel divorced. Everything feels exactly the same as it always did.

He still hasn’t disclosed everything. He doesn’t want to include anything prior to our marriage which apparently includes a DB pension worth well into 6 figures.

I have no idea where to start with this. I need a sort of foolproof guide maybe.
V tired.

So where is he now? Still in the same house with you?

For these huge admin tasks just work out how to break it down into mini tasks.

Yes, all at home exactly as normal.

My exh only left on the date written in the divorce agreement. Didn't want to spend a days extra rent.

This whole thread blows my mind. I’m impressed with how you have handled the situation OP. I’m tired from reading it or even imagining being in the situation.
I’m a SAHM now and often wonder if I’ll inadvertently end up in a similar position.

@ChrisPrattsFace sadly this thread doesnt blow my mind. I have to keep reading it to remind myself how crackers this all is, and how the hell I ended up in this situation when I should have sorted it years and years ago.

And then conversely I catch myself thinking “well really, are you making a fuss about nothing? Because the kids love him and the bills are paid and everyone is fed.” I’ve become THAT accustomed to having absolutely no agency in life. That’s the hardest thing - getting my head around it all. He rewrites history so much and because I’ve ended up quite isolated, I had got into the habit of taking his version of events as The Truth, when actually very little of it stands up to scrutiny. It’s the definition of gaslighting really isn’t it?

I keep remembering stuff too - there was an alteration I really wanted on the house, and I got so fed up of waiting for him to sort it, I got a builder in myself. It was while I still had my own money but we booked him together. I paid for it. All all all of it. The builder turned out to be a bit crap and we got someone else in to finish the job, and my husband paid for that bit. The narrative is now though, that “your shitty builder” fucked up things and that my husband paid for most of it anyway, and even more importantly, had to pay to get the job finished, which is yet more evidence of how shit I am, how irresponsible and how wondrous he is for “bailing me out.”

Oops pressed post too soon!
The reality is we needed some work doing, I got it underway, paid for about 80% of it and he booked a joiner to finish off. No more or less. But he uses it as a criticism at literally every opportunity. I realise he blames me for a lot of stuff that are absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Your husband sounds horrific. I'm so glad you are moving forwards. Sending you strength and best wishes

I have to keep reading it to remind myself how crackers this all is, and how the hell I ended up in this situation when I should have sorted it years and years ago.

One of the people in your life whom you should be able to trust completely, and should expect to have your interests at heart, is gaslighting you.

He lies to you to suit himself.

Here's John Stuart Mill from 1869, On the Subjection of Women (page 27 in the Project Gutenberg version)

All causes, social and natural, combine to make it unlikely that women should be collectively rebellious to the power of men. They are so far in a position different from all other subject classes, that their masters require something more from them than actual service. Men do not want solely the obedience of women, they want their sentiments. All men, except the most brutish, desire to have, in the woman most nearly connected with them, not a forced slave but a willing one, not a slave merely, but a favourite. [Pg 27]They have therefore put everything in practice to enslave their minds. The masters of all other slaves rely, for maintaining obedience, on fear; either fear of themselves, or religious fears. The masters of women wanted more than simple obedience, and they turned the whole force of education to effect their purpose.

(My emphasis).

Catandthefiddle that’s a huge coincidence- I’m just reading an amazing book called “see what you made me do” about coercive control, by Jess Hill. She references the same quote! The book is chilling, I recognise a lot of the behaviours, and am just reading about how people can feel entitled to behave badly as a result of their trauma, and I think that’s what’s going on here. I wasn’t responsible for his shitty childhood though.

If you're in the UK, coercive control is against the law. He is breaking the law, and liable to be prosecuted; I think it's a criminal offence.

J. S. Mill is one of my heroes. I daresay I would have found him insufferable & difficult in person, but his writing is sharp and powerful. Still takes my breath away, and I've read his stuff since I was 20.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Yes am UK. I can demonstrate in black and white that he has been financially controlling. And in fact, continues to be.

Check out the links. He's probably breaking the law.

Yes, he is. But the question is, what to do about it. All options seem to lead to either calling the police, and the giant shitshow associated with it, or moving out and going to court for interim maintenance, and massively disrupting the kids. I feel stuck, slowly progressing with SHL.

I have spoken to the police before and they said that he is defo controlling but there didn’t seem to be enough evidence to arrest him. The thought of the fall out if the same happened again, is hideous- he would be yet further emboldened.
I realise this must be frustrating to read - I would be thinking “well just call the police” but when you’re in it, it doesn’t seem so simple.

I can understand why you wouldn't call the police. Can you SHL suggest something? She may not deal with such cases herself, but she may know someone who does. And you are eligible for legal aid if there's domestic abuse.

Maybe think through just how disruptive it would be for the children? Can you break it down from that big monolithic "Separation is terrible for children" into smaller parts?

OP I am so glad you're getting good advice here. I don't have any advice but am full of admiration for you!

Your situation hits a little close to home because I just quit my not high-flying, but certainly well paid, job to care for our baby (in the US so no real mat leave). Thankfully my husband shows no signs of being such a controlling wanker, but you've given me some idea of things to look out for.

It looks to me like you've done everything right. Please keep posting! I am absolutely rooting for you.

PS @CatandtheFiddle Completely agree about JSM!

Well it's quite simple really. He is a wanker and you should divorce the fuck out of him.

It doesn't matter whether he has a big job (by which I assume you mean high earning) or he works part time in the local chippy.

He's a twat who is abusing you because it suits him. The mentality is the same for these men, it doesn't matter how much importance society gives their job. They are seedy cretins.