Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

I guess just serve the divorce papers?

If you are separated but living in the same house you can claim for universal credit and go to CMS for maintenance for the DC.

The fact you are living there and paying nothing towards mortgage or bills is irrelevant! Sure he could lock you out/try and have you removed but erm how would that look on him? Legally you can live there and he cannot force you to contribute. Sure he won't give you a penny more for the DC but with Child benefit, CMS and UC you will surely have more money after food and fuel than you currently do?

What happens when he kicks off? If he gets angry and frightens you and the DC call the police (you can even warn them so your number and address is on the alert list) if they remove him from the property you can apply for an emergency occupation order.

I'm sure applying to CMS or serving papers will bring things to a head.

You need to be living separately within the house - so no cooking, cleaning, laundry or shopping for him. Look after the DC and yourself only. UC may argue with you but you are entitled to claim as a single person especially as you can prove you have engaged a solicitor to divorce on the grounds of abuse.

Have you started the claim for Child Benefit or do you already get it?

Sue, you're amazing.

RandomMess the papers were served a couple of weeks ago, he’s got them and has responded that he is not defending the divorce.

He’s had an about-turn about the kids too and instead of weeping and wanting to be nearby so he could see them 50/50 (and not pay maintenance) he’s decided he is going to move an hours’ drive away, and wants them the equivalent of one night a week.
I am gutted for my children. And furious with him. He said he wanted to be able to buy a bigger house in a cheaper area and have the kids come and stay somewhere nice. And that he would buy them all a PlayStation each so they’d want to visit. How fucking deluded. They’re not going to want to do that, nor will I be able to make them, in a few years time. He said he will be paying whatever the Child Maintenance calculator tells him to pay, and no more, and that he won’t be paying any spousal. He said I will be expected to go and get a “good” job because I’m well educated, and that childcare will be irrelevant to him because he will be paying child maintenance.
He said that I had benefitted hugely financially by marrying him, but then couldn’t actually quantify how that was the case. And that’s coz it’s bollocks. My standard of living would be miles higher if I’d stayed in my home county. And kept saying “I’ve already lost so much” but again couldn’t actually define what.
And he says that the house must be sold, I’ll have to downsize to pay him off, that he will be keeping the (as yet undisclosed) liquid assets and he refuses to discuss anything accrued from before we were married, including pensions.

He wants an agreement out of court. I’ve said that we can’t discuss any deal until we both have full disclosure and he is being asked to do the Form E.

I fear this could get a LOT more messy.

Handled these professionally. My own DF was like this. Your DC are judge, jury and executioner.

My DM handled it superbly by allowing DF to go, asking for a letter to DC explaining DF reasons for moving and included in the settlement that DM is willing to travel half way every weekend and facilitate contact for the childrens interests.

DF failed on it, and 5yrs later I read the letter and he sat in front of me in tears in a multi million pound house expressing regret that money couldnt buy him his children.

I am cheering you on. Going through something similar at the moment and it’s horrifying when it becomes clear what kind of person we married in good faith and likewise has children with. Same old money worship and mine is also steadfastly refusing for provide any spousal support so far (we are still drafting separation agreement with our lawyers).

I should add, her only condition was sufficient equity to buy a house to put us in and maintenance. She did everything else herself. She didnt fight for his pension etc.

DC see through material crap as they get older.

I would laugh at him tbh.

It isn't up to him what you get, the courts will take into consideration your DC needs and I'm sure your SHL has told you that spousal maintenance etc is a reasonable expectation in your circumstances.

He is f*cking joke. He needs to declare pensions pre marriage anyway as that is still further money he has available to house himself...

How many years did you live together prior to marriage?

He said he will be paying whatever the Child Maintenance calculator tells him to pay, and no more, and that he won’t be paying any spousal

He might tell you that, but I doubt a judge will do what your STBXH says.

What an idiot. Hang in there, OP.

OP I hope you don't have to wait too long for a resolution. I'm in a different situation in that I'm the sole breadwinner who has also had to do a second shift of childcare and wifework whilst my husband did very little. He was studying but finished in December and has made only a few half assed attempts to get a job because why would he when I earn enough? But at lot of your posts rang true about not being heard and no attempts to change because the status quo suits him fine. We separated in April but he hasn't moved out because he has no job to pay for rent. Roll on the financial settlement and a new life...

Hang in there @Suewiththeredford and let your SHL take him to the cleaners.

My stbxh isn't that smart. I was all for doing a DIY separation agreement but he insisted he wanted a lawyer. Well, now he has to give me a whole lot more than I would have known to ask for, so it worked out great for me. Even though I am renting instead of owning and have had to give up the family home, it has all cemented in my mind exactly what an egocentric he is, whose children's happiness and stability comes a distant second to his own wants.

@Suewiththeredford

You are amazing! I read this for the first time today. I am agog, what a superstar. It sounds as if you are getting out just in time on the parental alienation front. So sad that your DH is so awful, but so brilliant that you have been so brave.

@HopelessSemantics

It doesn't matter whether he has a big job (by which I assume you mean high earning) or he works part time in the local chippy.

He's a twat who is abusing you because it suits him. The mentality is the same for these men, it doesn't matter how much importance society gives their job. They are seedy cretins.

His occupation is relevant because there are a lot of cases following this pattern. High-flying man meets high-flying woman. She gives up her job to bring up the kids (which seemed to make sense as she earned slightly less). He now turns controlling.

Thing is though, he never “kept” me as such because I was paying HIM out of my income whilst also raising the kids. He became MUCH more controlling once I was unable to do that anymore, and instead of paying my way, became a freeloading scrounging scumbag financial albatross life ruining stone around his neck.

Which is exactly why your SHL will wipe the floor with him!

Heartache590 your mum sounds like a brilliant woman x

A court will laugh at him as he leaves, with his tail between his legs!

@RandomMess

Which is exactly why your SHL will wipe the floor with him!

I surely do hope so! If anyone DESERVES to feel the full weight of the courts - it's him.

Hang on in there, @Suewiththeredford 🌹

He can tell you what he wants and expects, but that isn't what the court is going to think. For a start if he is planning to have the kids only one night a week, you will be considered the main carer and that will have an impact on the asset split. It is very unlikely to be 50/50. And if the earning differential between you is that large, you may well get spousal at least for a time limited period, giving you the breathing space to find a job. He won't get it all his own way.

Have you got a forensic accountant, to make sure he’s not hiding anything? If not I think it would be a good idea.

A judge should decide the settlement, not him.

No point in a forensic accountant until he has completed his Form E.

Hopefully, as he believes that he can discount any money he chooses from the 'pot', he will be stupid enough to disclose it. I wouldn't trust him though!

Wellllllll

The judgement on my appeal will hopefully be heard tomorrow and indications at the moment are that it might go my way!

If it does, I once more have an income.

Obviously this affects settlements etc and my husband is well ahead of the game here. He has agreed to buy somewhere else but only on the proviso that I take some of the equity out of the house in the form of a small mortgage, so that he has a good size deposit for his new place. There’s plenty of equity in the house and he “only wants a bit of it.” Plus his pension, and the as yet undisclosed savings.

And is kindly researching special mortgages for busted credit ratings like mine. He’s good that way.

I have yet to point out that HE fucked my credit rating, and he can also avail himself of a mortgage for people with a low-ish deposit, rather than me take on debt, at a shitty rate!!! He wanted to discuss impaired credit finances the other night but I said I wasn’t in the mood, unsurprisingly.

And if I lose tomorrow, all bets are off and we are back to the drawing board. Whatever.

Fingers crossed regarding your appeal results tomorrow @Suewiththeredford. I REALLY hope it works out for you.

Obviously this affects settlements etc and my husband is well ahead of the game here.
Of course he is. He's been steps ahead in the whole "game" but you are more alert and more confident now.

Take care (I know you will be) not to agree anything with him which will put you at a disadvantage.

What is your solicitor advising? 🌹