Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

SHL and congratulations

Just read the full thread and am absolutely rooting for you! What a waste of air he sounds. It's hard now but in a few years you will feel so liberated with all of this behind you.
Good luck with your rottweiler!

Small update from me: the legal thing wasn’t quite as sorted as I thought and there’s another hurdle to jump through. I’ve decided to just box it in my mind until it’s actually completely sorted, cheque cleared etc.

Divorce wise, the Financial thing is lodged with court and we both have to submit a form E and a needs thing, which I’m having some coaching on by my wonderful friends.

And my mum, who has gone out of her way to make this “not his fault” finally flipped. She minded one of the children who said to her that “Daddy pays for your pension, and your house. Not you.” And used the word “scrounger.”
She appeared unannounced and marched in and quietly spoke to him until he cried. He tried to backtrack saying that he had been trying to explain taxation to the kids (aye, right!) and that they’d taken what he had said out of context. So she asked him about what “scrounge” means! I hid in the kitchen whilst all this was going on and as she left she said to him “and I trust I won’t have to revisit this discussion!” PMSL! She’s starting to see - but only when it affects her...

She hasn’t got involved until this point but has leant me £200 to get by as I couldn’t even fill up the car. She said “you and him can knock cobs off each other, you’re both adults but I’m not being spoken about like that.”

I didn’t say anything but I thought, I wouldn’t let anyone knock cobs off my daughter.

I still haven’t got child benefit. He’s contesting it or something because he’s still living here. Turn right and continue...

She appeared unannounced and marched in and quietly spoke to him until he cried.
^
Brilliant mum moment.

Indeed but it's a shame she wasn't more supportive of the OP

It's all a step in the right direction though, Sue, you'll get there

Can you speak to CB???

State you are in a financially abusive relationship and divorcing by the end of the tax year you won't be living together??

Surely he can only contest on the grounds that you are not the primary parent...

I am rooting for you too. I am impressed at your fighting spirit and your determination in the face of what must be a difficult situation.

Hi Sue how are you? I've been following your thread and just re-read your last few posts. That's actually heartbreaking. I hope you're OK. Really, the best outcome will be that the kids have an absolute mimimum to do with him. He's toxic. You do everything anyway. You'll be able to do it without him dripping poison in their ears once you're rid of him. KOKO

Hi OP just wondering how you are. You’ve been on my mind for a long time. Threads like this always make me so worried when the OP disappears.

Hello! Sorry I haven’t updated sooner!

So, he carried on drinking, but with the pubs closing earlier it meant he was home earlier, so we were all still up when he came in. He lost the plot and started shouting really terrible stuff, in front of the kids and wouldn’t stop so I called the police. It was awful awful awful. They decided to arrest him and he spent the night in the cells. He came back to get some stuff and moved out. This was a few months ago now and I truly could not be more contented. The police were amazing and appeared minutes after I called them, so I think there’s a marker on the address or something.

The divorce rumbles on, we haven’t sorted the finances yet, and I am not minded to do anything until it pleases me. He has been a colossal dick over the children, messing them about and hardly seeing them, and I’ve had to block him on all social media/messages because he is so consistently rude and abusive.

I’m astounded at how he has behaved and how very stupid he is being, but I don’t have to deal with it. Each day I wake up and thank God he has gone.

Hi Sue. Lurker here. I’m so glad things are beginning to work out. Btw, take pics of anything abusive he sends you. It could be useful later.

KOKO

Thankyou, I am keeping copies of everything.

I read back over this thread and I’d forgotten how bad things were. But they are blissful now.

Do keep us all updated

Great to read OP.

It's surprising how often ringing the police when men become abusive can be the catalyst for them being removed from the home and some peace being restored.

So glad that you are feeling better and things are going in the right direction.

Oh has your mother improved any bit?

She really sounds so awful insisting on keeping out of such a dreadful situation her daughter was in.

I hope you will support her similarly.

I couldn't find your posts OP ... have you changed something in your username.. 🌺

I'm glad your finally shot of him living under the same roof.. for your sanity 🌺

Hello there @Suewiththeredford @suewiththeredford

So glad to hear from you - I've often wondered how things were going for you, and I'm sorry you are still trapped in this maelstrom. I'm glad there is someone who can get through to chummy: it would have been nice if she'd been able to influence him in your favour though... At least you don't have him in your physical space now. Stay strong dear lady - the finish line IS there, at the end of the 🌈. 🌹 for you!

I truly could not be more contented.
Each day I wake up and thank God he has gone.

I'm a few years down the line and still feel this, it really is utter bliss. Enjoy it, Sue, you deserve it. I'm so pleased to read your update

Keep going, it will all be so worth it in the end.

@suewiththeredford, haven't read all the messages on your thread but just wanted to add some advice as someone who divorced a high earner who was financially abusive and went through the hell of court twice.

Try to get a clean break if you can. Judges are obliged to find one if possible although you may have to push for it and find your own solution. If you are awarded spousal maintenance take it as a lump sum, whether that's as equity in the house, money from investments or pension share. Make sure you aren't tied to him in anyway other than child access as you can bet your bottom dollar he will come back a few years down the line and put you through an expensive and unnecessary court case to avoid paying you. Mine created a whole fantasy of lies, ran up debt etc. to avoid spousal maintenance that was due to me. I ended up with a clean break of pension share but it was traumatic and very expensive.

Also, if you have access to funds, pay up your National Insurance contribution voluntarily to ensure you have the full state pension. I see you have had difficulty accessing child benefit so you may not be fully paid up. Also, if there are any final salary pensions involved get an actuary to ensure you get a proper 50/50 split. My ex-H manipulated it first time round so they weren't looked at properly even though an IFA was used. Also ask to see his work contract, lots of firms pay employees in unvested shares which can be worth a lot.

I found the best investment was to get a direct access barrister to look at my case and predict possible outcome in court. Saved a fortune in legal fees, especially solicitors which rack up very fast.

Good luck. Keep your head down, you'll get there in the end.

Hes a bastard for saying you havent contributed. I suggest you cost out how much childcare would have cost for all those years. you absolutely have contributed financially. But you know what, if you get a divorce and he has the children 50/50 you can both have part time Big Jobs.

Arsehole. Him not you

Oops. Should have RTWT. Glad you have a better life away from him

Well done OP. Just read all your posts and wanted to say that feeling of relief (almost like mini moments of elation) has stayed with me for years after leaving and divorcing a emotionally abusive and financially controlling exH. It reinforces even now how right I was to leave.