Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

That’s the saddest part isn’t it? That a relationship could be lovely, but isn’t.

I haven't RTFT, but based on your initial post, that sounds to me like financial abuse. I'm so sorry you're in that position, but on the plus side, you and your children will be much better off without him.
Splitting a family is always a difficult decision, but he sounds like he doesn't value you and your contribution and sacrifices at all, and the fact he's letting you be overdrawn is disgusting.

It also sounds like he will never change his mind on this.

Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Sending you hard as nails thoughts op to get through this stage! Might be time to catch up with a friend if he suddenly thinks he can look after them all at the same time for a whole two hours. Tell the kids you are coming back and you aren’t abandoning them, you will be gone a fraction of the time daddy was at work every day pre covid.

Hard as nails is what I need.

It’s so easy to just BELIEVE that he could be decent and continue to be as he has been today. But again it undoes him - if it’s a choice then why didn’t he make that choice before now??? Why was it ok to behave like a monumental twat?

He does adore the children and is panicking about “losing them” and is offering to do anything. But as I’ve pointed out, it would be all false, and under duress.

If he had asked me this a few years ago I would have said that he HAD to make all finances joint, that he got some respect for the work I do with the children and that he would actually consider my opinion in our lives.

But here we are now and whilst it would be easy for him to undo the financial arrangements and make it all joint, he can’t undo the horrible constant disrespect, the tuning me out for years, the gaslighting, the manipulating the children, and the sly cruel things he’s done. None of that can be undone. I can forgive it all but I would be a fool to forget it all too.

I would love to be able to put together a plan of what would fix this, but I didn’t break it. Tonight was so lovely, we sat in the garden and had a laugh at some old photos, and then I watched him do some cooking with one of the kids. All delightful. And it could have been this way forever but he was too busy repeating a narrative that he’s badly done to, I’m a profligate harridan twisted by my harpie friends and that my contribution has been without value. He’s really really fucked it up.

"And is saying he will do anything I want in order to delay divorcing for a few years."

Are you sure that this isnt because you'll get a higher percentage of assets and higher chance of being awarded the house if you're still the primary parent to your children under 16?
Sounds to me like hes trying to delay it so you'll get less.

Oh it's definitely a money motivation!!!

I would use this as a reason for him to get involved with the DC more and you get out the house on your own and asking for the money for a hobby don't hold off on pushing the divorce through as it won't last.

It's a huge thing for the financial settlement to factor in that the DC are unlikely to ever live independently and therefore it is not appropriate for maintenance to cease at 18. Please ensure you have a proven successful SHL with expertise in complex cases.

It's financial abuse. You know what you need to do.

I'm curious to know what he thinks needs to change in your relationship. For example, does he think you should have equal access to money? Does he think your work is of value and should be respected?

Obviously you aren't going to change your mind regardless of what he says, but it might be useful to get him to concede (even if it's just verbally) that you deserve to have equal financial access.

LannieDuck I said to him last night, I’d like to hear what he thinks might fix things, just so I know he has been listening.

Did he manage to come up with anything? Or is he giving it some thought (and hoping you don't ask again... :P)?

"It’s so easy to just BELIEVE that he could be decent and continue to be as he has been today"

If this is true then the years of abuse were a deliberate and active choice on his part.

Tell him that he needed to have panicked and changed things years ago, but chose not to. It's past repair. It's like begging a rotten roof to hold up a few more years, when if he'd done proper maintenance in the first place it would still be sound.

Or to put it financially, as he likes finance, asking to have his house back after the bank has foreclosed on it. Should have paid your mortgage was years ago, tosser!

No.

He said he wanted to go through the points on the petition in order! And that clearly the finances were the most important and that he would transfer half of the cash assets into my name. And that if I win my appeal then he would want back what he paid to “settle your debt” but that I wouldn’t have to pay out anything towards the house but conversely would be responsible for picking up all the kids’ costs.

And that it would be an arrangement which enabled him to stay so he is 100% a part of the kids’ lives.

I said “you’re not even close.”

He’s back tracking now saying that I interrupted his train of thought and he was going to come on to other things. Absolute bullshit. He’s got some weird stuck idea about finances and CANNOT see that. He said that he had also had some damascene epiphany and now, finances and cars and being right are not important. And it’s all about the kids.

I told him I hate my life. He is begging me to halt proceedings. I told him there isn’t a single reason why I would.

He went on about finances because that what matters to him.

Making it all about the DC is emotional blackmail because he knows how much you love them.

He's got no idea.

He obviously hasn't given a single thought to what you might want for the last X years. He's concentrated on what works best for him, and has ignored you being unhappy because that would mean him having to change something... when he's quite happy with how things are right now.

Very telling that he's so focused on finances. That's what's important to him, so it must also be what's important to you.

Keep thinking hard thoughts, I say. He didn’t accidentally fall over one day, acquire amnesia and wake up with a family and an aforementioned Big Job. I doubt you forced him into marriage and children at gunpoint. He made a decision to commit to a family, and that means respecting that you showed him support by being the main carer to enable him to continue to work. That is what a partnership looks like. In no way does he have a realistic or reasonable attitude to money or sharing. It would be back to normal very quickly if you backed away from divorce now. Good luck.

“He obviously hasn't given a single thought to what you might want for the last X years. He's concentrated on what works best for him, and has ignored you being unhappy because that would mean him having to change something... when he's quite happy with how things are right now.“

This. With bells on. I brought up that I’d mentioned once that I’d like to go and do and do a masters but instantly he pointed out how that wouldn’t work - too expensive, how would I pay for it, how would I pay for childcare, blah blah. Not a single mention of how it could happen.

@picklemewalnuts spot on. Absolutely. He’s fine, so fuck you Sue.

I've followed your posts for a very lengthy time and I am so glad the jackass you're married to is going to face the music and I cannot wait to hear what your shit hot lawyer puts him through! He's so damn delusional trying to pull the same old shit with the divorce as with the marriage.

Suewiththeredford, I am so sorry that you are going through such an incredibly hard time. I don't post very often, but I discovered your thread yesterday, read all of your posts, and saw many parallels with what I have been through.

I had a dh with a big job. I have three children, now adults, but two with SN/ASD. Dh was completely uninvolved, other than taking them out at the weekend. Never attended a single appointment or school event. I worked from time to time but mainly SAHM. Added to this, he had an underlying health problem, and without me to facilitate his big job, and look after him and the children, we would never have got anywhere in life.

Like your dh, he attributed our marriage and our children to my whims, and gradually came to see me, more and more, over the years, as a freeloader. I did have access to money but was very frugal, whereas he was an utter spendthrift, who wasted a lot of money on food and drink, in particular. He didn't want to spend his money on the upkeep of the house, but was, very inconsistently, generous with the children.

I had a horrible childhood, I admit. He had a miserable childhood, I think, but did not admit it. All our issues were down to my mental health, and I basically accepted what he said about everything!

My story differs in that it was him who eventually decided to divorce me, basically because I was a gold digger. Children grown up. It must be so much harder with your young children. But, despite mine being adults, he set about alienating them from me.

Fast forward only a couple of months, dh receives a terminal diagnosis. I care for him as best I can. It was horrendous for us all. Divorce halted, but a new will made to disinherited me, in favour of the children. Executor is one (special needs adult child) who he has totally alienated from me. My solicitor says I have little chance of overturning the will, because I couldn't easily prove lack of capacity, despite the will being made two weeks before terminal brain tumour diagnosis, and dh dying within six months.

I am now living in a home I own only half of, and estranged son could go to court to force a sale to realise his part of the estate.
It does feel that, even in death, he is punishing me for being a scrounger.

I hope you don't mind my butting in with my story. It's helpful to share with someone who understands. But I also want to say that, despite the hell I have gone through, the loss of the son who I always felt closest to, because he was not close to his dad and financial problems around the house, I have never felt calmer and more accepting of myself. My relationships with my other two children are, if anything, better.

I think you said how these situations creep up and you are so right. For thirty years of marriage, I bought into the belief that everything was my fault, because I came from a messed up family. I did and I was. But it wasn't all me. He had issues that he didn't attempt to deal with, whereas I sought a lot of help.

I still love him but I am better now, without him. I hope, and believe, that you will get to a good place in the future.

Thank you for listening and I will follow any of your further posts with great interest, and I am cheering you on.

Bloody hell Dippy . I'm glad you are in a much better place now, despite everything. It definitely helps to share these experiences, I think.

OMG Dippydog that’s awful. Truly. And I’m so so sorry about being estranged from your child. That must be so painful. I’m glad to hear you’ve found some peace. Lots and lots of love x x x

I think he’s lying about the money. He’s v v keen to cut a deal, which makes me think that what is on the table, isn’t all that there is.

At the same time though, I asked him for some money for summer, for days out with the kids etc. He said no, and that the DLA should cover that “because you have no expenses.” He still can’t see that that leaves me without any ability to do anything without his express permission. I’d like to take the children away for a few days - he says that the DLA should cover that too. The DLA is like the magical Mumsnet chicken!

I had to do the Uniform shop this week, it was a fortune and I asked him to give me the money for that, and he said I would have to wait until his pay day. He relented and transferred it to me though, so it was just an excuse.
And more hiding stuff/gaslighting. I know he’s doing it and it just serves to harden my resolve to not give an inch. My bank cards went missing again. They were nowhere to be found, until I said that as a result, I Wouldn’t be able to fill up the car and go to a social thing at school and therefore he would have to go. He hates anything like that, and hates me driving his car, so the bank cards mysteriously materialised in exactly the place I knew I had looked over and over again. Pathetic.

I’ve written to SHL and agreed that I want proper disclosure as soon as possible. He’s sure as shit hiding something.

See, I could accept that he's a good man trapped by rigid thinking and an obsession with money, and accidentally trapping you too.

Then, then he does stuff like that. Refusing to pay for his children's clothes, and fuel for his children's car, and so on. Hiding your cards.

Next time he tries that, ask him 'just so I know, are you refusing to pay for your children's x/y/z?'

Have you ever hidden his stuff?

Oh yes he probably has a huge pot of savings, after all you have been funding much of the family living costs for all this time and DC are not cheap and they've cost him £0 wouldn't surprise me if you need a forensic accountant.

Hopefully SHL is all over that the DC will need support way beyond 18 so that for a clean break you will need an even larger % or perhaps a trust find in which he does not hold the purse strings?