Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Have you already opened a claim with CMS and started living separately (within the same house) if so you can claim Uc as a single parent they may argue that you can't and do you have to live separately- no cooking, shopping or washing for him etc but you are entitled to and you can send evidence of the divorce papers.

I take it you are now claiming child benefit for the DC in your name?

No definitely not, this needs to be a good clean win.

This is very similar to a situation my friend had. She went to court. She won. She did better than she expected and the judge basically said he was a shit head. She sound it enormously satisfying. He never was arsed seeding the kids much after - everything has been so much better

@RandomMess we have never claimed CB because we were over the threshold.

Do I have to be seeking work for universal credit? I started claiming ESA and they said that that took me over what I would need to earn below, for carers allowance.

I’ve just asked him for some money for the kids for summer activities. He said no.

@QualityFeet that sounds so satisfying.

Hang on, what?

I can claim child maintenance? Even though we are both in the house with the kids?

I only have access to the DLA which as he’s just shouted at me, is tax free.
“And no outgoings.” Yeah right, apart from my outgoings...

Are you divorcing him?Yes

Are you living "separated" within the same house? Yes

First step claim child benefit, them ring up and put on a claim to CMS.

Sure he can ask you to pay towards the house costs but then you can charger him to look after the DC...

Yes you claim child benefit to protect your state pension, he'll have to pay tax on it (perhaps not as you are separated) tough shit, that's not your problem...

Well done @Suewiththeredford I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he opened those papers! His request of a 50/50 split with the children is just laughable. How does he think he would cope exactly with his oh so special job? He’ll be lucky if he ends up with every other weekend!
As for claiming CB and/or maintenance, it might be worth visit the CAB office to see exactly what you’re entitled to.

You definitely need to be in receipt of child benefit for apply for that now - you don't even need to tell him until the end of the tax year...

It will also mean an extra £200ish for you each month.

Child maintenance may be more tricky but you can claim universal credit as a single person - ok you don't have housing costs but you will need to buy food for you and the DC etc.

I think there is a "rights of women helpline" that would able to help with your rights living in am abusive situation.

Here y'go.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Brilliant!!!

That’s tonight’s activity sorted!

Do you still do his clothes washing and cook his meals etc??

Nope, haven’t for years. Separate rooms and separate bathrooms.

Definitely get the wheels in motion, I think the CB may take a while to come through due to Covid but they will backdate it to the date they receive the application.

Actually have you read up on coercive control why h us now against the law? Refusing to look after the DC and refusing to give you money to care for them and his other behaviours May mean he can be charged... it may be enough for him to hand over some £ if it keeps on the correct side of the law?

After the time when I called the police they seemed to think that there wasn’t enough to charge him and to be honest I want to keep things as amicable as possible and would rather not up the ante in that way.
I’m going to speak to SHL about an interim financial order though.

Latest: he now is terrified of not being around all the time for the children. And is saying he will do anything I want in order to delay divorcing for a few years.

🙄 what he means is that he doesn't want to part with "his" money and doesn't want to have to parent them...

🙄 what he means is that he doesn't want to part with "his" money and doesn't want to have to parent them...

Funny that, he was up for a 50/50 split just a couple of days ago. I suspect he is playing for time to hide away ‘his’ money.

@Suewiththeredford

Latest: he now is terrified of not being around all the time for the children. And is saying he will do anything I want in order to delay divorcing for a few years.

He really is a manipulative shithead.

Yes. It makes me the bad guy. And of course he’s all lovely and chatty and hands on with the kids blah blah blah. It would be so easy to think it will be like this always.

He won’t keep it up. He isn’t able to. Put yourself first. Let’s hope it works out for you as well as it has for my friend. She has had tough parts but wow so much better for them all .