Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

He’s got the papers from the court and has spoken to a lawyer, and is suggesting that a 50/50 split of everything, pensions, home equity, including time with the kids (so no maintenance) is utterly fair and brilliant, and that it would be a clean break with no maintenance for me either.

Shut up and take my money.

Ummm no that’s not going to work. Hold tight OP and let the SHL get busy.

I’m astonished that he thinks that might have been accepted. I guess it’s a start point

I’m sure your rotweiller solicitor will politely decline his offer.

so glad to hear your Lawyer is very good OP .. brilliant news

Well he can jog on. Can guarantee he didn't tell his solicitor that the DC have SEN and will need on going support and also that you have zero income therefore no potential to get a mortgage to house the DC...

I mean why on earth would you want your pension pot compensated for not being paid into for 15 years...

🙄

All I can say is, put every fibre of your being into taking him to the cleaners for as much as you possibly possibly can.

Revenge? No.

Just the simple practical understanding that with a man like this, not only we he be doing the same (so to even have a fighting chance, you need to be hard as nails and ABSOLUTELY out for everything) - but also, you need to realise now that this is all you will ever get - this is IT. A man like this will never in the future help you out, even if it means his kids go without. He'll never truly co-parent. He'll never give an inch because it will mean him 'losing' in some way. So - it will be every single emergency which needs someone to look after the kids - you will be paying, he won't help you out like a real dad would. Every unexpected bill - he'll see the kids suffer rather than help. Any future cost (clothes/driving lessons/holidays/clubs) - he'll hold you over a barrel, he'll manipulate and be prepared to see them disappointed - so YOU will end up being the one to cough up extra.

Let the rottweilers go.

Gosh @FizzyGreenWater

I think I'd definitely want you on MY side if I ended up in trouble!! 😁

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater, you need to pursue this with the knowledge you and your two children will NEVER see another penny from him.

Children become far more expensive as they grow.

I absolutely agree he will never step up either in parenting or £. Will be interesting to see how he copes with them EOW...

Start going away for weekends so he gets the practice?

They couldn’t cope with it. They can’t manage the transitions around non-uniform days or school trips. It’s just too much change. So every other week would be absolutely ludicrous.

What an ordeal. I'm so sorry OP. He reminds me of my husband (probably ASD) in many many ways- but my husband is not abusive about money. I recognise all your struggles though, the eggshells etc.

What a shame.

Start going away for weekends, Random Mess?

Firstly I have no access to funds to do it and even if I did, he’s not beneath telling the kids I’ve abandoned them. Last time I suggested seeing my oldest mate he said “which one are you taking with you? I’m not having all of them.” So I didn’t go.

I had forgotten just how abusive he is...

He is saying he wants 50:50 to you, play the game and go visit a friend for a long day/overnight and tell him he needs to practice for 50:50?

Presumably the DC would believe him saying you had abandoned them even if you prepared them for you going away?

He's going through have them 50-50 even though you couldn't even go away for a few hours without him telling you take one of your kids with you because he couldn't (wouldnt) look after all of them at the sane time?!

Right.

If you get CM (which you should) record every single time he doesn't stick to his days, every single time he's late, every single time they come back early (as will happen a lot if my observation of my sister's ex abusive DH's time with his child is anything to go by - often back within a few hours).

And keep in mind nothing other than overnights matter for cm calculations.

Pig that he is. I hope he gets taken to the cleaners.

@picklemewalnuts, can you tell me a bit more? What have I said that’s resonated with you? X

It all just feels horribly sad.
Random Mess I do have a pension which I was able to keep up payments to, as a part of my peculiar financial arrangement.

It is horribly sad I mean he was supposed to love and cherish you and the DC but he is mean with love and money.

Odd things @Suewiththeredford .

DH does a lot of the shopping, buys a load of junk food crap while I try and eat reasonably clean. I can't stop him shopping or buying junk. He's a collector- CDs, DVDs, books, recording stuff off tv then keeping it years. He buys before it's needed, so we end up stockpiling groceries on offer. We've got a boxed unused vacuum because it was a good buy and it will be handy if the current one breaks down.

He hates wasting money, so prefers to buy cheap nasty food rather than quality stuff. He genuinely struggles to see the difference between cheap nuggets and breaded chicken breast chunks. Ditto sausages. I've started to train him up to know what I look for, meat content/limited simple ingredients for example.

He's very set in his ways, and not very interested in other people so he doesn't take me into account in his planning very well.

Birthday/Christmas presents are likely to be from Amazon's deal of the day rather than something I'd actually choose and want. Flowers were rare, and always the yellow ticketed ones that had travelled home on the train with him and weren't worth putting a vase 😂

The difference is he believes that family money is family money. We only have separate accounts for various tax reasons, to get good deals on accounts etc. He would struggle if I was a spendthrift, but I'm not so that's ok! We mainly do decisions jointly- say over £75 we'd probably talk about it first.

I'm not sure any of that is relevant to you!

There were times I felt I was in an abusive marriage- but understood he didn't intend the things that bothered me. I learned to value what he could offer, and stop expecting what he couldn't. I also learned how to meet my own needs- buy what I wanted etc- rather than wait for him to. I could talk for hours about it!

He is neglectful, and hard of thinking, but not abusive.

OP,.
All of what you feel you will never be able to do because of your children's challenges need to fe factored into what you are awarded.

Don't rush into agreeing anything.

Just post on to say you are amazing

BertNErnie I’m really not. Just plodding along.

He wants to go to mediation. I’m not keen, what with him being a manaplaining financial bully. He is terrified of it going to court because of the costs. I have no fear of court whatsoever.

Are there any advantages to me (aside from cost) of going to mediation?

No, certainly not with him.

You simply inform them that as he is a financially abusive bully then you do not wish to go to mediation.

You have to go through the motions of going to mediation but as you are divorcing him for abuse then the mediator should just sign it of as not being appropriate.

It wouldn't get you anywhere because I'm sure your SHL has told you 70% or similar of marital assets plus EOW contact for DC and he isn't going to agree to it so you will end up in court anyway... he is probably banking on you being bullied into what he wants.