Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

It’s interesting isn’t it, how a site populated in the main by articulate women, championing women’s rights, can produce posts like this
Hi op, the reason there are so many 'women' who clearly hate women on here is because about 3 (maybe 4?) years ago, a user posted about a mens website that rated prostitutes. The men from that website found out, and have been on here ever since, pretending to be women, telling abuse victims its their fault, blaming women for getting raped, etc. They are really pathetic.
Anyway, congrats on getting such a great lawyer! Hopefully you'll be free soon :)

It feels as though that bank card is probably not the only thing he has done. I bet there are so many other little things he has done to see you squirm and get some kind of twisted kick out of it. I really wish you the best of luck op. What a difficult way to have to live life. I hope that once he’s served you can live a happy life with your children.

They'll never value what we do because as mothers we aren't teaching our sons to value what we do. My ex was the same, he thought I was completely useless. Ever ounce of me is going to make sure my son doesn't use think he has make privilege to economically subdue a woman. Sorry to go on a side rant it's just such a Pet peeve of mine. It's up to us to educate the next generation of men.

It feels as though that bank card is probably not the only thing he has done. I bet there are so many other little things he has done to see you squirm and get some kind of twisted kick out of it.

I agree... and he enjoyed watching her distress...

I believe given time he would happily set in motion her devastation as he turned all 3 children against her

At least he has show his children who he is. My guess would be that he will hardly be the doting daddy having them for half the week.

What a duck, he obv gets off on setting you up to fail

I agree... and he enjoyed watching her distress...
I believe given time he would happily set in motion her devastation as he turned all 3 children against her

This, absolutely, is what he would do right now if he could.

When I read about men like this, the old curse "I hope he dies screaming" comes to mind.

OP, you sound like a very self aware woman.

Set that lawyer on him.

Should you weaken, please remind yourself of your little child seeing him pick up that card and contradict what he said.

He is a prick of the highest order.

Follow SHL advice. You are paying for it.

The harder ball you play now the shorter this will last. I wanted to be fair. He took me back to court for 9 years before he lost PR. The lawyer said she got have got it done the first time.

Oh god Sue that is just an awful story about the bank card. He was ‘teaching you a lesson’ wasn’t he? Watching you panic. What a dick. How does he get a kick out of doing that to his life partner and mother of his children? I think when you finally ditch him the relief you’ll feel will be tremendous.

how are you today OP..

Well if ever there was a man who's chickens are coming home to roost...OP Your fortitude is so impressive.

Sorry the case didn't go your way. What's the timeline for serving divorce papers now? Is SHL moving quickly, or are you waiting for Covid to be over first?

Just read your update. And the bank card story. What a piece of shit .
Op, why does he think he is so much more important than you ?

He says that if he hadn’t met me then he wouldn’t have had the kids so they wouldn’t have needed looking after, and his career was established before he met me.

And if you hadn't have met him, and had children, you would still have your Big Job.

Does he understand this?!

Hello all, have paid next bit to the solicitor, and am waiting to hear from her when the papers will arrive.

I spoke briefly with him over the appeal on my case and said that I still want us to divorce regardless but if there’s more in the pot to split then good. He just said “I don’t want that.” And put the phone down. He hasn’t spoken since to me.

I’ve put together the appeal and sent it, it’ll be a few weeks before there’s a ruling but it’s not over yet on that front.

All in all I feel MASSIVELY better. Calmer. Happier. And I can’t believe how much crap I’ve put up with.

Well done op. You are doing brilliantly.

Thankyou, I have also reduced the dose on the antidepressants I’m on, and my brain is coming back. I think that although they helped my anxiety, what they also did was enable me to tolerate stuff I shouldn’t have. And today I caught myself singing, which is the first time in a long long time I’ve even felt like that.

Big Job is slang for a poo. Totally unhelpful but all this big jobbing on MN does make me chuckle.

Great update OP.
What a woman.👏👏

Happier is all you are going to be👍

@Suewiththeredford
I've only just read your thread after recently coming back to MN after a break. I'm absolutely horrified about the way this "man" has treated you and also trying to corrupt your children.

I wanted to applaud your tenacity, your courage and your gallows humour too (necessary to survive the battlefield of this "relationship" I think).

I hope your SHL lawyer rips out his jugular (financially) and you get the 75% or close share of everything through the courts. Did you discuss with your lawyer the feasibility of bringing in a forensic accountant as, no doubt, your husband will already be hiding funds as one of the PP's suggested.

The cherry on the cake, also, would be if your appeal on the other legal matter succeeds after your Decree Absolute so that will be (hopefully) entirely yours.

Also: did you apply for Carers' allowance (I think a previous poster mentioned it). It's not much but you could check if you are eligible. And also check out what else YOU might be entitled to, given the vast and inequality of your finances vs your husband's.

Maybe these websites could help. Www.gov.uk (look up child benefits, child allowances -anything else you can think of or which other posters can suggest. (Sorry I've not read all the responses but have read all yours). I'm unsure if you are eligible for Universal Credit but that's also something to research. And of course any additional funds you get should go into your personal online account to which your almost-Ex would have NO password access.

Also look at www.entitledto.co.uk. And speak with Citizens Advice who may be able to offer more help.

Good luck OP. You deserve LOTS of it! 🌹🌈

Great update 💐

I’ve applied for Carers allowance today. I had to ask for his NI number, and he gave it to me but asked why and when I explained, I said that amusingly, the state assumes that as we are married, I have access to joint funds. He said “how much will we get?” I told him it would be me getting it, and he put the phone down.

Thankyou Happynow001! X x x

No problem. But keep an eye out that he doesn't somehow get the Carer's allowance redirected to his account!!