Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

I’ve put my account.

We are all rooting for you OP, he sounds worse and worse every time you post!

Haha good for you! I havent read the whole thread (the last few pages I have though) and, well, what a dick. Go, your fabulous child. 'Daddy found it and put it in his wallet' 😂.

I had a business partner like lthat. The bank would send my new debit card to the office, it wouldn't be there so they would send another. Two days before a business trip with a new employee I emailed him asking about it. Asked for his card to use.

He then replied, copying her in telling me it was my fault I lost cards, that I missed flights and he was sick of mopping up after me. She was shocked. Left not long after. I found out later it had arrived and been put by him in my drawer - one I don't use. Prick.

I hope your solicitor is an absolute killer. I hope you rip him to shreds financially and get some peace back. And, yes, you might as well have some fun with it too.

He might think he's clever but you are actually much smarter than him. He's just much nastier.

I hope you're doing ok, OP

Hello! Quick update from me. Petition has been drafted, am divorcing for unreasonable behaviour. I am oscillating between relief and excitement at the thought of a life where I get to make decisions, to feeling desperately sad that it’s come to this. I really loved him. But this is the best thing for all of us.

My solicitor is a Rottweiler so I’m in safe hands. I’m still able to have normal non emotional conversations with my husband but as soon as there is any stress, his reflex is to verbally abuse me. The children were stressing him yesterday and because I wasn’t exactly where he thought I should be at that moment, he shouted “you could always parent your children!” Along with constant digs about “if I don’t do everything then it doesn’t get done” which is so far from the truth that it’s funny. But the kids absorb this. One of them even said “Grandma, my daddy does everything.” And despite my mother usually blaming me for everything, even she roared laughing at that.

The shit will hit the fan when it sinks in that this is really happening and I’m scared of that. Solicitor has an occupation order and non mol order drafted and ready to go if it all goes wrong here.

Fantastic news OP! 'Your' children, indeed. They always give away what they really think, these men. They are not nearly as bloody clever as they think they are. Good luck!

Really pleased to read your update op. You probably have a difficult few months coming up but it will be so worth it! Hang on, stay strong - you will get there.

well done

Bloody hell op, just read this thread for the first time and am rooting for you hard!
Did everyone miss the bit where your dh said he'd get the kids to say you'd hit them?! And the police involved? He's absolutely foul.

That was ghastly. It absolutely chilled me to the bone.

Rooting for you OP

His error of logic is that when he chose to have children with OP, he was taking on the financial and social consequences. You cannot undo that. He should not be comparing himself to how he would be without children.

He should be comparing now to what he would have been like with 3 children and with 50% of the cost of bringing them up. Kids would either have dented his career or his spending money.

Rooting for you @Suewiththeredford. What an appalling man. Please don’t allow him to talk you into a worse settlement when he turns out the Fear Obligation Guilt. Stick with your solicitors advice.

I'm late to this one OP, but I echo everything, including your full on fucking awesomeness. Small add: I think that despite berating you for it, he does actually want you to be financially dependent on him. He may complain and call you an albatross but he doesn't actually want you to gain financial independence, partly because then he'd have to step up at home, but mostly because then he'd lose his stick to beat you. He WANTS to feel, and for you to feel, as though you are indebted. He WANTS to feel like the hard done by work slave whose generosity and general amazingness isn't appreciated by his spendthrift wife. He WANTS the control but to look like he's the victim for it. He basically WANTS all the things he claims to be complaining about. And why? Because he's a prick who sees you as one of the white goods that talks back. What more do you need to know?

Good luck with it all. You are doing brilliantly.

Oh my GOSH OP that is a good update. Time to do what needs to be done

Good for you OP. Divorce this twat and take back control of your life

Fab news op, so please for you. Onwards and upwards!

You don't sound stupid - I did exactly the same thing in relation to my ex-partner. I'm very clever too although I feel ridiculous saying this. Something about your reference to your husband 'growing up in poverty' etc really resonated for me. It was the same kind of narrative with my ex-partner and I have the same kind of shame about how I accepted ways of thinking that now, when I look back on them, were ridiculous. I guess what I am saying is that yes - this is how coercive control works. For me, though I am absolutely free of him now, it was not productive raising this in a court case. I didn't have a barrister and you will have, so maybe this means that this will be a good strategy for you. But I mainly wanted to say, I recognise what you are saying and I understand - I think - some of what you are going through. Good luck.

Just read it all. Omg OP I'm raging just reading it. What an utter cunt. I hope this is all sorted and very soon. I hope you get the bloody lot! You are so strong and brave. Well done for standing up to this wanker.

Thankyou! All of you! I paid the SHL today for the court fees and the financial forms. It will be submitted as soon as I sign off the draft. I don’t feel strong or awesome, just sad, and terribly guilty that I’m doing this, and yet I know I must.

Suchandsuchandsuch Thankyou for your kind words - it is amazing how easy it is to buy into someone else’s narrative and not be able to see the wood for the trees. I was telling a friend about it all and I couldn’t properly explain some of it. I am in no way a simpering wall flower, far from it, but I just didn’t face what was going on, because I didn’t have to.

Interestingly the more control he had/has over me financially, the more control he has taken over everything else. Small acts of domination like deliberately making me late for things, forgetting things, hiding things that are important to me, throwing things away that he knows I value. It’s like boxing shadows.

I’m rooting for you too OP, with tears in my eyes at your courage and strength 🙏

Filed with court!

👍Excellent!

Somehow I lost this thread so happy to read that you have filed!!!

You go girl, can you smell the freedom?