Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Thanks for clearing up about case (sorry if I made you repeat yourself) - and at the risk of doing that again, has SHL already considered an occupation order to get him out now? Has he any family etc to go to?

Just read your complete thread.. christ OP the struggle you have endured is emotionally and mentally draining... I'm sorry to read you lost your own court case.. but besides that I'm glad you are divorcing this man...

Everythingbackbutyou.

Thankyou. Much appreciated.

Dishingoutdone, SHL has pushed me to get a non mol and occupation order, and has said she is on standby the second I need her.

I don’t know how he’s going to take the papers actually being served.

Thanksbumblebeee69. Me too.

God op - this is absolutely awful. You are doing incredibly well just to keep going and hold on to your sanity!

I really feel for you - hopefully one last massive push and you will be away from this horrible man.

These kind of posts always amaze me, it’s as if the feminist movement never happened. How can you let yourself be abused in this way ? Why do you allow a man to treat you like this ? I’ll never understand it, I’d have been gone a long time ago.

What a terrible situation OP.

OP Time for a change - a new phase is about to begin

@Runmybathforme mate, read the thread before you wade in - do you always blame the victim? Come on it’s his shame not hers.

@Runmybathforme

These kind of posts always amaze me, it’s as if the feminist movement never happened. How can you let yourself be abused in this way ? Why do you allow a man to treat you like this ? I’ll never understand it, I’d have been gone a long time ago.

Posts like yours amaze me to be honest - how are your comments helpful to the OP . Blaming the OP for the position she is in - nice one Well done OP at how you are dealing with things. I've been there and its not easy but you will get there x

Can you explain why you chose this? Because you did.

OP good luck with the papers being served. Then hopefully that is the beginning of the end. And the start of the new free life you deserve to have.

It happened because until recently I had my own income and so what was mine was mine etc and I paid towards the bills.

I didn’t have to deal with his shitty attitude about money. It wasn’t the biggest thing on my agenda - not even nearly - everything has been about the children and THEIR needs.

But Choli is right - at some level I chose this because it’s where I am right now. And I’m choosing something else.

And fwiw in my head i’d have been out of three years ago too if I was in an abusive relationship. Coercion isn’t like that. To the outside he’s a superstar devoted prince of a man, or that is what my own parents believe, so not only am I having to deal with my husband, but I’ve got my parents telling me to sit down and not rock the boat.

I had an amazing career. I still do odd bits of work pro bono but I don’t even recognise myself I am so worn down and worn out.

And the reason it’s taken me so long to get to THIS point is that the solicitor said that I couldn’t make any permanent financial arrangement until it was clear what the outcome of my case would be, as it could have been so substantial as to change our financial position considerably. Covid, and life generally, mean that a decision I was hoping for last year has only just come in.

@choli really??!! Your comment has actually just astonished me

You don't have to defend yourself @Suewiththeredford

It's not about the past now, what's done is done. It's about the amazing bright future that you can have without him weighing you down.

SHL has pushed me to get a non mol and occupation order

this sounds like really good advice,
have you considered it?

you sound like the fog has lifted, and you can see him and the abuse clearly, this must has been such a difficult journey. I really hope you can remove his poisonous presence from you life soon

Bloody hell there are some nasty victim blamers turning up on this thread. Of course no one chooses to be treated like this.

OP:
He says that if he hadn’t met me then he wouldn’t have had the kids so they wouldn’t have needed looking after, and his career was established before he met me

I thought you said he was intelligent. That's a logical fallacy right there. He sounds like a jerk who is using his unfortunate childhood to justify his piggish behavior.

Thankyou, so much to those defending me. It’s interesting isn’t it, how a site populated in the main by articulate women, championing women’s rights, can produce posts like this. Is that what feminism represents, Runmybathforme? The inability to recognise how other women’s situations arise? Maybe a few years ago I’d have thought the same - but coercive control is a death by 1000 cuts.

A few years ago I couldn’t find my bank card. It had disappeared from where I knew I’d left it, and I needed £20 to pay for an extra-curricular activity for one of the children, which I had committed to without discussing (read “getting permission”) with my husband. We were running late and I was pulling the place apart looking for it, all the while my husband stood back ranting that he wasn’t “going to bail me out of the shit”. Then one of the children said quietly to me “Daddy found your card and he put it in his wallet.” So all the time he was bollocking me, he knew where it was. When challenged he pointed out it was a similar colour to his and that it was a genuine mistake. Then our child said “but he said HMMM when he found it. I saw him.”

And I stayed. I stayed because who explodes their life on the basis of a bank card? Who has the nerve to blow it ALL up, when he might, just might, have genuinely been mistaken. After all no one is that big a twat surely? Surely the man is chosen to spend my life with, wouldn’t behave in such a calculated spiteful way? Because if he HAD done that and I faced it then I would also have to face the fact that clearly I was a terrible judge of character. The cognitive dissonance was physically painful. I went for counselling to get my head around how I just couldn’t perceive him as a twat even if he was behaving like one, but the counsellor focussed much more on my relationship with my mother. And so I concentrated on the kids and simply kept calm and carried on.

Wow OP, your last post had me open mouthed at his abuse and spite. What a shit

I'm really sorry to hear you lost the case op. It all sounds unbelievablly difficult. I hope you are able to get out of this situation soon.

He's a controlling manipulating gas lighting abusive bastard OP.. good on you for taking back your soul

that bank card situation is so deliberately cruel @Suewiththeredford - he seems to enjoy seeing you struggling.

After RTHT all I can say you have done amazingly to lift the fog and plan your exit,
I really hope you'll unleash the SHL and go for 75% it's about time DH gets a reality check

is it wrong that I wish I could see his face when he's 'served'