Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

RandomMess “ You having your own source of money for so long glossed over it but now you have the bare truth.”

Yes. And now he’s horrified that things must change.

But change they must.

But at some level, it doesn't matter why he's doing it - he's doing it and won't stop and you need to leave.

Irrespective of the separate court case, you should have half of or a reasonable portion of his assets because you are entitled to it and the children need financial security. Do some research and invest in a good solicitor.

OP as PP have said, why he’s behaving like an abusive arse is not really important. He is an abusive man to you and his children.

And having autistic tendencies has nothing to do with being abusive. He could be on the spectrum and also be abusive. There’s no necessary connection.

He’s abusing you and his children. Why he’s doing it is not the main concern here.

I agree with TwoHeaded. Lots of dysfunctional people out there inflict pain on their partners because they haven't learned how to cope with being ASD, or their mental health problem, or their childhood trauma, or their self-medication habits. Absolutely that is a tragedy and you can feel compassion for their pain and the fact that they would struggle to change.

That doesn't alter the fact they they are hurting their partners in a variety of ways. Your H is harming you and chooses to continue to do so despite you trying over and over again to explain what he's doing to you. You can feel compassion for him and also protect yourself. You are not his rescuer.

I have had a thought about your other legal case and the timing of divorce after it.

You are entitled to a decent proportion of marital assets. So is he. If you win your other legal case, then won't that be taken account of when it comes to division of assets, and he may be entitled to a proportion of it?

I would slow that case down a lot, and get the divorce moving fast, to be honest. Check with your solicitor, obviously.

My dad was/is like this. My mum eventually kicked him out, and after a protracted legal battle ended up with a fair chunk of "his" money. She went to a top university and could have easily earned the same, but chose to focus on raising her family as you have done. She's been divorced over a decade now, and never been happier!

Stay strong OP, you'll get there!

So your mom chose to do this but still wants half says it all really. If you go in as a family thats where it should say. Sell up split 50/50 and there you go

@Oliversmumsarmy He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has

And who looks after his children to allow him to work in his big job.

Who was out working enabling you to stay at home? Did that money come out of fresh air

T'his is what throws me though - some of his behaviour really is terrible and grotesque but if it is at least in part, due to the way he is neurologically wired, then I find myself feeling guilty and upset because what if I’m ending things with him for his having exactly the same condition (well similar) as our child? I’m not explaining this well bit I’m sure it will make sense to anyone with a lot of autism in the family.'

@Suewiththeredford I get what you mean, but just because someone has some extent of ASD, (unless they also have a severe intellectual disability) it doesn't mean they 100% can't change their thoughts and behaviour. I have autistic traits and am constantly trying to improve what I do.

If you've explained to him the actual state of play and changes you would like to see, especially as that communication has been spelled out verbally and repeatedly, he should try and change.

I'm not saying that his ASD/traits mightn't make him a bit more rigid, but he could have some self-awareness, or at least a desire to have a good relationship with you. I don't think he's trying, and there's no getting round that. He's just being stroppy etc.

TheBusDriver I had my own money and i paid him pushing £700/mth and covered ALL my own costs. This is in my first post...

Update:

I lost my case. I’ve told the divorce solicitor to file the papers with the court.

Things predictably got worse and no matter what I say or do, it’s wrong, I’m wrong, I’m a scrounger, I’m scum etc.

Hi OP I was wondering how you were getting on and if things had got better - sorry to hear he is still being a selfish arse. Sounds like you have tried to sort it out with him a million times in lots of different ways and it's not worked so I don't think he left you with any choice. How scummy of you scrounging off your own husband to help you bring up your SEN kids! I hope you've got a a good solicitor and evidence of all his assets and earnings. Best of luck with it all.

Hi OP I'm skimming through the thread I didn't post previously but its depressingly familiar so many women in the same position, (and sometimes told by other female posters its your own fault for not working ...!!) - you sound very brave and determined. Are you still living in the same house? What have your lockdown arrangements been? And what do you mean by "I lost my case" -?

Still in awe of you for tackling this and going for the divorce.

I think it’s all lined up. I just want to stay put, with the kids. My solicitor is fired up to go for 75% of all assets, plus child maintenance which is looking at close to a grand a month, but I might flex on that if me and the kids could stay put, and he got his own place immediately. She’s an absolute Rottweiler, best in the business apparently but I’d rather get this over quick than unleash her full powers!

Dishingoutdone, I had a separate income which (its a long and complex tale) stopped and I challenged the decision but lost. There’s one last appeal possible but as it stands I lost and have no income.

Unleash her full powers!

So sorry you are still going through this, filing the divorce papers is a positive step forward.
How are things worse? Are you safe, from physical violence that is? I feel from reading your posts, you are being emotionally and mentally abused as well as financial. I hope you can get away or he will leave soon, sorry I don't have any advice, just look after yourself.

Cross posted, glad you have a SHL, I agree with PP, unleash her full powers if you need to.

That's horrible for you OP, I can see it would massively get you down over time but I can't see a way forward that helps you.

Personally me and DP regard income (whoever earns it) as joint - because it doesn't matter who goes to an offer - or whatever work or - or who looks after the children. They both need doing and are worth the same (childcare probably being "more equal". We both been the main earners, both been the stay at home parent though, so we see each's other's point of view.

Laundryelf I’m safe, yes. It got worse because the more panicked he gets, the more aggressive and defensive he becomes. At one point he was threatening to tell one of our children that he wanted him to say that I had been violent and hit him, when no such thing happened. But he said “He will just say that it did, if I tell him.” It chilled me to the bone. I reported it to the police. They said he was clearly very controlling and wanted to know if I wanted him arresting, but I didn’t because it would have been in front of the children and probably would have made things worse at that point. They put me in touch to the domestic violence team.

Yes defo emotionally abused - and all be caught him doing some epic gaslighting too. Moving and hiding things, throwing out important things, destroying stuff. It’s all small and passive aggressive stuff.

Suewiththeredford I didn't see this thread originally, I've just been reading it but not meticulously, so apols if I get things a bit wrong. But I've been reading it with an 'oh, no, what an absolute bastard' on my lips at every new twist.
I'm so very sorry to hear that you're not free yet. Lockdown must be making it all worse.
What's happening next, do you have any kind of timeline? The fact that he's getting more aggressive is worrying. for you.

Lockdown has been weirdly easier so long as I don’t try and DO anything. He has total control of everyone and everything so he’s happy so we all get a bit of peace. But any attempt to do anything at all money related, and it triggers him to go mad and kick off at me, ranting about how I’ve ruined his life, it’s him that’s worked for everything so why should I get it when I’ve been sat on my arse for years, scrounger, idle, etc. So it’s not worth actually addressing anything. A piece of equipment the kids use had broken, and I bought a replacement, and then that broke too, and we need one for them to use it, but he wouldn’t give me anything towards it, so I’m overdrawn again. I’m covering all their home Ed stuff, subscriptions, things to keep them occupied etc.

I’m on edge a lot of the time - if I hear him approaching I automatically get up and look busy, or that’s another mouth full. But because the pubs are shut, he’s not drinking so at least I don’t have that to deal with. Am hoping to get the really awful bit of this over before he starts drinking again.

I'm sorry, that sounds awful. You sound like you can literally never relax for a moment. You must be exhausted.

Wishing you all the strength and peace in the world. You will be free. I so understand the "quick - look busy" thing. My stbxh seemed to get incandescent when I was perceived to be relaxing.