Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

I paid the solicitor so now there is money on account. I told him, and he simply doesn’t and won’t believe this is happening until he gets it in writing from the lawyers. And even then I think he thinks he can charm me a bit and it will all go away.

We had some semi productive conversation at the weekend and I truly think he hasn’t been able to see anything from my point of view, such is the greatness of his misogyny, and the importance of his Big Important Job. He said he deserved to be able to go out and spend what he liked because he earned it and because he had “given up so much” for our marriage. When pressed as to exactly what he had given up (the cheeky bastard) he couldn’t think of anything off hand. And said I “might have a point” about some of his spending.

He isn’t getting this. And he never will. I don’t hate him, he adores our children, and I intend to keep things as amicable as possible. But it really really is done and I get much better tonight because weirdly his admitting I had a point, and presenting him with frankly ludicrous finances based on HIS calculations, meant that he couldn’t gaslight me away.

He’s a fool.

You only get one life.

I’d be ending this today, getting an appointment fast tracked and working out the logistics of getting him out or getting a new place for you and the kids ASAP.

My stomach turned seeing your children echo his revolting worldview and they’re being set up to be used as doormats or use others as this is the model they have been given.

How can you bare to be with someone who values you less than an old piece of furniture?

Sending strength and best wishes. I hope it’s all sorted soon.

He might be in the same situation if he hadn't married but you would be in a much better position financially.

And colda woulda shoulda doesn't really matter, he is the father of three children and it is his duty to pay for them and care for them.

Had you died after the birth of your third child where would he be?

You are better off with out him, stay strong.

Sounds like my situation... I’m seeing a solicitor on Friday about my divorce. He will never change. If you can put up with it, and him & be happy then carry on, if with him is where you want to be. If not, rest assured, you’re not the selfish one in the relationship. Financially, with his Big Job, you’d be quids in if you decide to leave.

Does he have any idea how hard it is to look after the children? Has he ever had at least a weekend lone parenting them while you’re away? Just a thought on your original post (I know the conversation has moved on since then.) Not excusing his behaviour, just wondering if he has any first hand experience of how much you do.

Surely as a SAHM you should be entitled to over half? You have given up the best years of your life to look after some ghastly entitled prick who doesnt value you at all . I would see a good Solicitor ASAP, and they should make provision for pension splitting ,housing you and your DC and so on .He is the Albatross not you!

He is a twat!

Whats really striking is his complete lack of awareness of what he's driven you to, OP. You seem perfectly reasonable and a dedicated mum, how easily he could have turned this around, treated you properly and with respect and you wouldn't be heading to the divorce courts. Sometimes its disheartening how dopey some men can be. He doesn't realise what hes about to lose.

My dad was/is like this. My mum eventually kicked him out, and after a protracted legal battle ended up with a fair chunk of "his" money. She went to a top university and could have easily earned the same, but chose to focus on raising her family as you have done. She's been divorced over a decade now, and never been happier!

Stay strong OP, you'll get there!

Scratchyback “ Whats really striking is his complete lack of awareness of what he's driven you to, OP.“

This. So much! I’ve spoken to him and said that he doesn’t seem to be taking this in, and he can’t seem to process it. Like he thinks I’ll sort of forget and just carry on, and I’m spoiling things somehow by even bringing it up. I worry terribly for what this might do to his mental health. He seems to have NO insight whatsoever.

I do hope you leave him soon. You’re his staff , it seems

I’ve met 2 types of blokes from humble beginnings who made a lot of cash, one type were incredibly family minded and loved sharing their good fortune, the other type treated their wife like an asset on a balance sheet and knew the price of everything and the value of nothing, start getting your ducks in a row lovely OP, know what he’s got and where and make copies and then go for divorce— you will be fine, he will be more bothered that he ain’t going to be so comfortably off I can guarantee it.

I really do feel for you OP, I started a thread about my DS who has SEN and really uncertain school situation and half the posters were on at me to give up my job "because your DS needs his mum" "because you are being selfish" "because nobody who has a child with SEN works, you just have to accept that" (by which they mean, no woman).

I can no way give up my job mainly because we can't afford solicitors, EPs, and therapy if I do but also for a related reason to yours (I don't think my DH is going to financially abuse me but he could easily die or become incapacitated as he's older and has a lifelong medical condition).

Because he's so stupid that he doesn't realize that the only reason he can work at his Big Job and bring home the Big Money in the first place is because he has you at home providing him support with the running of the household, raising of the children, general life admin and emotional labour?

Don't concern yourself with MH because he certainly doesn't give a sh*t about yours!!!

I agree. He didn’t even have enough sympathy for you when you were ill to even offer you so much as a glass of water!

My OH has a waaay Bigger Job than your stbxh and last time I was Ill wanted to know if he should stay at home to look after me. He does as much as he can and is an equal component of the running of the household. He’s amazing. Not saying this to crow, but to remind you that a big job is not a reason to abuse or belittle someone you are sharing a life with.

I’ve been with an awful h before, my ds dad was horrendous and it took a while for me to recover and exorcise the demons etc, therapy and the steadfast placement of one foot in front of another ... and now years later I’m happier than I can have ever imagined.

Never ever lose faith in you or your happiness!

Please stay focused on getting yourself and your kids out of his control, your kids will come round and you’ll be able to insist on respectful behaviour

The longer you leave it, the more entrenched it’ll be, so use it as a motivation not to stop until you have got to where you need to be

Fight for everything you’re entitled to, you will never have the opportunity again to get what’s fair, and he’s not going to want to play ball or play fair.

You can do this! We’re all praying for you to be as happy and successful as you possibly can be!

Not really advice for the OP as it's escalated and there is SN involved. But for other people in this situation...if you have a partner like this you won't change his opinion. You need to make changes to get back to work. I had ds as a single parent and built my career with no support. With dd we've split parental leave and split all the organising and carrying out of nursery/school runs etc. DPs previous job was too rigid so he changed it.

Doing the same thing and expecting different results is insanity.

I’ve spoken to him and said that he doesn’t seem to be taking this in, and he can’t seem to process it.

Hmm yeah, he's a non-listener - so you have to completely lose your shit to get any point across. Otherwise they just don't hear it or take you seriously. I think many women end up separating purely because when they try to voice stuff, its all white noise to some men. Also, a lot of men judge your worth on how much money you bring to the party which after having kids is often none. Forgetting what their wife/partner has enabled them to have .... a family (no small thing!). Us mothers know we happily put ourselves last, behind our kids and partners. A good man realises this. And if a partner has the respect to listen in the first place and takes on what is being said to them stuff doesn't escalate. But if he's he's not hearing you, the shit hits the fans and he's there like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Shame its often too late then.

What I said above about putting everyone else first was because you're worried about his mental health now. Meanwhile he's still can't believe you're actually seriously considering bailing out and you'll snap out of it soon. I'm just wondering, OP, if you think there may be something to salvage here? Is he a complete AH? I'm not saying this from a place of thinking you are in any way wrong AT ALL. You're 100% right. He just needs to wake up. Badly.

This is so difficult, OP, but you're doing brilliantly.

You may have to get yourself in the habit of thinking "Everything he says is potentially utter bullshit" (if you're not already there!). All that crap about how you should be more wifely, that you're a freeloader, that he's given up so much. You know all of that stuff is crap. Keep telling yourself that anything else out of his mouththreats of revenge, threats to keep the kids, telling you he'll have a breakdown, etc.is probably equally crap. Keep believing in yourself and forging ahead.

I had a long talk to my mum and although she is confused and baffled by his behaviour, she’s starting to get how this is all about control. And she pointed out that his social circle is such that he doesn’t really have any friends he could talk to about it, who might point out how outrageous he is being. And that from his point of view, until recently he could spend what he liked because I had my own money, and since that’s stopped (hopefully temporarily) then he sees it as my problem that my circumstances have changed and that it’s really unfair that he has to make adjustments and share everything. Which would be fair enough except for the facts that I’m his wife of 15 years, mother of his kids, have been paying him for years and only for my support he couldn’t do the BigJob.

But when you’ve been used to privilege, equality can feel like oppression.

Sadly this is who he really is, completely and utterly selfish. You having your own source of money for so long glossed over it but now you have the bare truth.

You are there to enable his life, so he can do what he wants when he wants...

OP, do your children have ASD by any chance? Because I think your DH does.

He is an abusive cunt yes, and ASD is not the reason for that, but he will NEVER see it from your point of view because he can't. He can't take in any world view other than his own. Anything you say or do that doesn't fit in with his version of How Things Are - which is of course the right and correct perception because it is the only one he can see - will just be rubbed out. That is why you feel yourself sort of fading away.

I am glad you are getting out of this because it can't ever change. Fundamentally it just cannot.

Haffiana re ASD yes, one does. And I’ve suspected my husband has some sort of ASD profile somewhere. He has a lot of demand avoidance too but yet holds down his career, largely I suspect because of the high level of autonomy he has there.

This is what throws me though - some of his behaviour really is terrible and grotesque but if it is at least in part, due to the way he is neurologically wired, then I find myself feeling guilty and upset because what if I’m ending things with him for his having exactly the same condition (well similar) as our child? I’m not explaining this well bit I’m sure it will make sense to anyone with a lot of autism in the family.