Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Ah. You don't hoover in suspenders, stockings, stilettos and a basque then. That's your problem, right there.

What a fucking twat. It's amazing how many men, at root, do think that women are naturally subservient. Intellectually they poo-poo it, but in reality the stereotypes of their very early lfe seem to reassert themselves, and somehow the poor loves can't resist them.

I have no idea how you've managed to not murder him OP (half joking), he sounds impossible to reason with

What an arse. Freeloader indeed. Your mother is no better. To quote Ivana Trump, don’t get mad get everything. on your behalf....

Of course, you could always present him with a bill each month. Childcare, housekeeper, cook,, scullery maid, prostitute, etc etc. I've no idea if that would help or not, but he does only value paid work. Work that somebody else puts a value on; which is worth thinking about - as he's such a Big I Am, how come he only gives himself value in someone else's eyes?

What a vile disgusting man. And I'm so sorry about your mother. She's obviously the reason you didn't spot the red flags with your husband.

I have no advice to add but you sound like you know what you are doing. We are all behind you!

I’m so angry for you! I really hope you stay strong and get away from this man soon as you can.

I'm both a divorce lawyer and a divorcee, and have experienced this sort of behaviour in my own marriage, and in an unfortunate and regrettable controlling/coercive/abusive relationship since.
It's heartbreaking when husbands don't value the non-financial contributions of their wives. I see it all the time in my job. And in my personal life. The courts are very slow to recognise and take into account emotional abuse.
OP don't sell yourself short, if you win your case don't let him off the hook. You still have a claim to the marital assets.
He isn't a nice person and attaches no value to you at all, but you know that. I wish you the very best.

If you never use any of the financial settlement to contribute to "family" life can it be excluded like inheritance can be???

I really hope so would be worth it for him to have to hand over a good chunk of "his" money. Is that something you've discussed with a solicitor?

This is financial abuse divorce his sorry arse !

An old fashioned value is also cherishing your wife surely ...

She is very narcissistic and despite being a tower of support to other friends/relatives who have split up, because it’s me, she thinks I should suck it up, stay for the kids and look on the bright side, ie that he doesn’t beat me. Cheers mum.

I think this is why your counsellor chose to focus on your mother, @Suewiththeredford. They are both quite alike, and this is probably no accident: we tend to unconsciously choose relationships that are all too similar to the ones we grew up with.

That’s very interesting, I’d never looked at it like that.

It was an eye-opener for me when I understood that dynamic, @Suewiththeredford. And the exacerbating problem is that, in times of trouble with abusive partners, we tend to turn to that family member for help - again, because it's what we know. And, of course, they are the last person we should be listening to if we want to change our circumstances.

Posting because I can’t wait for the update saying you’ve divorced this waste of space!!

@Suewiththeredford I agree with @Bananalanacake, this is classic financial abuse- at the very least where it starts. It's also extremely manipulative for him to put "splitting the family" entirely onto your shoulders.

I'm really sorry you've been going through this.

Hello. Thanks for the continued support, you internet weirdy vipers! Truly this feels like one of the few places that makes sense.

So, I’ve emailed my solicitor and expect a reply tomorrow. I need to place some money on account and was stalling doing this until I’d sold something, but happily I got a refund from something last year which I wasn’t expecting, so that can go to the lawyers.

The shitty behaviour towards me continues - not in a nasty way but in a “you really don’t matter” sort of way. I’ve lost sight of myself and also of almost any agency I had in my life. I never cry as general rule but I have cried today and all I want to do is sleep. To be fair, my husband has left me to it all day and tonight. I told him I felt very unwell and was thinking of leaving - probably just a night in a travel lodge or something, but I decided to stay and went to bed on the condition that I wouldn’t be disturbed. My sleep has fallen to bits, I’m dropping with tiredness in the day and then buzzing about until 3-4 am and then am exhausted again. I’ve slept about 16 hours in the last 24, and whilst I must need it, I’m also terrified that he’s not actually attempting to be supportive, he’s giving me rope to hang myself at some future point with “unstable, can’t handle the kids” or similar and that terrifies me.

I’ve been trying to read up more about the nature of financial abuse and to what extent it’s about the abuser’s fear of financial loss, or whether it’s purely no more than a mechanism of control. And also what the likely escalation is, which isn’t clear to me.

What is VERY clear is that my husband has given himself permission to minimalise and ignore me. I am fading away, it seems.

You are not fading away. You are in a shitty situation. It will get better after the steps you are taking come to fruition.

He is not the boss of you remember that

You’re right, he isn’t. I look at him and feel so sad for him because I know what’s coming. And he doesn’t.

I wouldn't feel too sorry - if he ever looked at you and thought about what you might be going through, you wouldn't be in this situation

Exactly, @asleepallday, he has no empathy at all about your life. Stop being a people please, OP. You can do it

He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has

And who looks after his children to allow him to work in his big job.

If he hadn’t met you he wouldn’t have had children but equally you would have been working all this time also

The reality is he has children and they need looking after. He could have given up his job to be the parent no one was forcing him to go to work

He’s getting worse, OP.

Does he treat his employees like this?

I hope you get free and take him to the cleaners. Start your divorce financial claim at 70% of joint assets and at least 50% of his pension.

Or call his bluff on having the DC.

He sounds awful, poor you 😞

It’s v hard. Am chasing the legal judgement like crazy. In between times he is admittedly less awful than he has been, but he’s still of the opinion that I’m a freeloader and idle and that I’ll be paying him back when/if I get my settlement.