Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Now he is saying he is bankrolling me, and I should be a lot more grateful.

He's a bastard. Unless there is a very good reason not to I would be looking at divorce.

Financial abuse. Emotional abuse.

Morning OP, I have just read your thread and am disgusted for you! I think it is funny that he has said he would keep the kids and work from home, like that is going to work! If he is so super important in his work place, then how can he juggle 3 kids, 2 with SN and run his high flying career! It is also awful how much the kids are picking up on things, he should not be being abusive in front of them, I wouldn't really want my kids around someone like that but understand there isn't really anywhere else to go. I am really feeling for you, it is a heartbreaking read, is there no where you could stay with the kids in the interim, while the court case and divorce go through, family? Friends? It is just such a toxic environment for you and the kids, fine that he doesn't want the same situation for his kids that he had in his childhood, but he is also not exactly giving them a healthy one if they think it is fine t abuse their mother verbally?

Anyway, I hope things turn around for you soon, am rooting for you and your kids x

Thank you. I question my sanity about the whole thing. I’ve talked it through with my mother and sadly I’m going to have to just not discuss anything with her. She is very narcissistic and despite being a tower of support to other friends/relatives who have split up, because it’s me, she thinks I should suck it up, stay for the kids and look on the bright side, ie that he doesn’t beat me. Cheers mum.

I had a physically avusive marriage and the broken bones and bruises were bad but they've healed. After 5 years it's the financial abuse and emotional abuse that is still impacting on me now. This is a long road you are facing. Keep strong. It's all you can do. Once you are free there will be challenges but being free from living with a complete dick is worth it. Life is too short.

He can think what he likes. The courts will take your side and he'll have to quickly get up to speed with what marriage actually entails, i.e. shared assets. Find a good solicitor and have an appointment. It'll do you the world of good to hear from an expert what you could be entitled to.

Oh and never mind 50/50, when one partner is doing the brunt of childcare it's more frequently 60/40 in your favour, presuming there's sufficient money to go around which it sounds like there is.

What you have maybe a relationship, but it does not sound like a partnership.

Not great for the kids, but finding a full time job, keeping all the money and getting him to sort everything out for the house and kids whilst he works is about the only thing that would make him 'get it'. But, he'd probably hire someone in sharpish so still never fully understand, only understand the financial hit he would have to take (you'd get to keep all your salary in this scenario, after all, it's not required for bills and food at the moment).

I can leave but he will keep the kids and work from home
Call his bluff on this one!
He does NOT want the kids at home with him full time.
Don't allow him to use that against you.

A simple 'Wow, that would be great. I will have a life. I can work again. I can get out and about and have hobbies. I can get myself a much smaller place which will make leaving here so much easier for me. Perfect solution. Thanks DH, that works for me. After all, I've done it all these years so it really is your turn anyway.'
Watch him back pedal like a mad man!!!

Financial abuse!

And he will work from home with 2 DC with SEN??? Really!
Nope no way - and the courts wouldn't allow that, you have been their primary care giver.

Phone Women's aid for support advice.

And your Mother is probably part of the reason you ended up with him - getting rid of two wastes of space from your life could be very liberating.

Love response from @hellsbellsmelons

He understands it full well. He just won't admit it. You will never ever get him to admit that he's doing you wrong, that he gets your pov. Never.

Take him to the cleaners, the fatarse git.

You could suggest he works from home next week and you'll leave the kids for him to look after at the same time. Would that help him see sense, or would he muddle through and then think he could do it full time?

Ha ha ha! Firstly he is far too important. And that would be far too hard. Just waaaay too hard. He would without doubt farm them out to my mother, who would helpfully take them, and tell him how badly done to he is.

He is a financially abusive cunt and I hope you and your DC can spend the rest of forever living very well indeed on all the money he will owe you when you have taken his entitled arse to the cleaners.

Same boat, he is ignorant! Sorry get legal advice you can get upto 80% house plus maintenance As you will probably already know SN kids need help ongoing! Not just till uni etc good luck

So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Because it isn’t convenient and that’s how the selfish think. It’s only selfish when you go against the status quo that benefits them.

We’ve talked again tonight, quite civilly. He is doing some very interesting stuff in his job and I said I wished I had something stimulating like that. His view though is that my role is to be with the kids at home, that is my job and I really should be better at it despite receiving no pay or progression and being tied to 3 small people, and their timetables. He called me a freeloader. And not in an insulting way (but of course it is) but in a “well I think that’s a fair description of what’s happening here” sort of way.

Jesus I've just RTFT and I just can't comprehend how utterly awful he is, he shouts at you in front of the kids, he fosters a disrespectful attitude toward you in them, he calls you a weight around his neck, a freeloader, a thief?
Fucking hell OP you poor poor woman, honestly I wouldn't be waiting for this financial case to settle, I would get the fuck out of there. If you don't think there's any way to get him to leave, can you take the kids and go somewhere else? I know you said your mum is useless, is there anyone else you can stay with?
I physically couldn't be near someone who treated me with so much contempt for so long
I HOPE that money comes through for you sooner rather than later to make things less stressful for you, but all the other PPs are so right, divorce the bastard and get what you are owed in the divorce.
Sending lots of these and these

Harper, he’s not violent and we are safe for the moment. I think exiting carefully is the way forward. Honestly it’s like a parallel universe, in this tight enclosed restricted little world, with both him and my own mother telling me how fortunate I am.

Oh my goodness, I think I need to know when your divorce comes through so I can celebrate it.

He sounds terrible. I’m glad you have realised that he has clearly been choosing to behave like a total c*%t.

This is one of the most frustrating threads I've ever read on here. It's his absolute belief that he is right. If it's so cushy being you, being carried financially when all you've got to do is be a full time parent to 3 kids 2 with additional needs, why has he never suggested a swap and you be the main earner? I'm sorry your mum isn't more supportive. How much childcare do you think he will actually do when he has the kids when you split?

And how on earth does he think you should do your role 'better'!?

Well, being a better wife.

You know, the little missus, looking nice, being much more house proud, being all sexy and affectionate, and being much more wifely.

He seems to have really quite fixed ideas about wife-work and I’m failing on basic duties.

Do you want to go back to work? I've just re-read the thread because it's been a while, and I'm not sure whether you would choose to go back if you could?

If you do want to go back, there must be a way to make it happen. I know two of your kids have SN - are they all in school?

Could you start doing contract work around their medical appointments? (Obv depends on your industry.)

What would your OH say if you said that you want to go back to work FT? You could frame it in language he's used - you're sick of being called a freeloader, having no money, getting disrespect from the kids... and so you've decided to go back to work. That means he'll have to do half of the childcare, but he can solve that by paying for half of a Nanny.