Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/what-can-womens-aid-do-for-me/

Find yourself an experienced SHL that has successfully dealt with abusive spouse and get advice fast.

How are you doing, OP?

You're still excusing him. You're still thinking of that poor little boy who had the awful childhood..

How do I know this? Bcs I did the same. After I left the bastard I went to CoDA. Do take a look.

I have gasped many times while reading your thread - and I'm long in the tooth with abuse stories, including my own. The confusion you feel is bcs he's an abuser and they operate on a different frequency: it doesn't matter how intelligent you are, you just won't ever get it. Don't try to work it out (especially not with thoughts of his awful childhood), it isn't possible to work it out and it'll only fry your brain. Just work with what you see but don't look too much or it'll blind you! Powerful and deadly.

He is saying those things to the kids - aka he is abusing the kids by abusing you to them. They are repeating what he says. He genuinely sees you as an albatross around his neck - this isn't a quirk. He's believing his hype and thinks he's the big shot - and should have a life that reflects that. Is he s/e? Please please say he isn't .

You've told him you want to go - he will alteady have squirreled away a lot in anticipation, never to be seen again, vanished off the face of the earth. He will fight unbelievably dirty and totally believe himself on it.

Who you really really loved is gone - if he ever existed. With all my heart I hope the pending legal case goes in your favour. You are really going to need it - until he's skinned alive by your lawyers...

Keep a diary, esp of what he's saying around the kids and what they're saying - obvious parroting.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't feel bad, so many of us bright, intelligent, strong women have got caught in a similar net.

Sorry that was a bit jumbly ^^ - combination of recognition and it's late!

Do read up on, at least, financial abuse. Get Lundy's book 'Why Does He Do That?'. Do the Freedom Programme - go along to a course if you can. Get Pat Craven's book 'Living With The Dominator' (on which the Freedom Programme is based). It'll explain the hows and the whys.

@Suewiththeredford There are lots of articles out there about women's experiences of financial abuse but this one in particular stuck in my mind -
www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7079919/amp/Bankers-wife-tells-husband-controlling-argues-penny.html

That article is chilling. Thankyou for posting. I’m ok. Not brilliant but ok. I think he and I live in parallel universes, his world view is so totally different, or at least the narrative he’s telling himself is.

I’m second guessing myself SO much because I have to mentally correct what I’m hearing. When I was unwell, he worked at home for a few days and did the school run and minded the kids whilst I took to my bed. There was NO cooking done, the house was a tip, and he didn’t so much as offer me a glass of water. But he’s telling himself (and me) he was absolutely brilliant.

I think the bit he has never joined up is that by devaluing me and my contribution so much, and refusing to hear me, he really couldn’t do a better job of turning me off him. But I swear in his head he thinks I should be utterly grateful and give thanks. I honestly don’t think this is all calculated and malicious, I think he has v fixed inflexible views on things and I’m not matching the Good Wife description. It’s exhausting, and demoralisingly sad.

Have read Lundy and did Freedom online. It fits a bit, but not totally. I have long suspected ASD traits but of course (as is often the case with high functioning ASD) he can’t see it.

Trauma can mimic ASD characteristics imo. Just saying.

Arseholery and abuse can also mimic ASD.

I honestly don’t think this is all calculated and malicious

I agree, I think some of it is honest to goodness arrogance and self deception.

He truly believes he’s brilliant when you were ill as he hasn’t the remotest idea of what is involved in running the house or how to look after a ill person.

The ASD is a distraction of sorts, I think? You may well be correct, but it is not an excuse for his abusive behaviour.

Yes maybe the ASD is a red herring. He is being all sweet and supportive and pulling his weight with the kids and suggesting stuff we can do together.
And that’s all nice, there’s far less tension, he isn’t constantly snipping at me. And that is his choice. Nothing else has changed except he made a choice not to behave like twat. And then I suddenly realised that If he has just chosen to change his behaviour, then he was choosing to behave like a colossal bastard beforehand. And the only thing that has made a difference is the stark reality that he would lose the lot if I divorce him. I’ve already said I would never keep the kids from him and I’m not interested in the house. So it’s the money. He’s behaving nicely because he doesn’t want to face what divorce actually looks like.

I feel like my eyes opened a bit more.

Does that make sense?

@Suewiththeredford this resonated with me 'When I was unwell, he worked at home for a few days and did the school run and minded the kids whilst I took to my bed. There was NO cooking done, the house was a tip, and he didn’t so much as offer me a glass of water. But he’s telling himself (and me) he was absolutely brilliant. '. My ex was like this, your description of your DH's behaviour is spot on what he was like.

Of course it makes sense OP.

Some people have have medical conditions in life.

That is completely different to your husband being a mean, controlling, vicious, prick.

Being a mean, controlling, vicious prick IS NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION.

He is mean.

The change has come about because he is acutely aware now of the financial implications of divorce.

He doesn't give a damn about you or your children.

Men who care about their children don't abuse their mother.

It really is that simply.

Please, please, get organised and get out.

Take him for every penny you can.

💐

Yes OP - the scales are slowly falling from your eyes.
He is seeing how much worse off he will be without you.
He will need to pay for children and maybe spousal maintenance.
You would get at least a 50% of any money, assets.....
So now he is being nice!
It grates doesn't it??? To know he could have been nice all this time but he chose not to be.
He CHOSE to abuse you.
Leaves a very nasty taste once you finally get that light-bulb moment!

“
It grates doesn't it??? To know he could have been nice all this time but he chose not to be.“

fuck yeah

Op, a lot of his comments that you've posted sounded similar to my ex. I just don't think you can change someone with this mindset.

Even though I worked, he still insisted that he was paying for me when he still lived there. He did nothing with our kid but said he'd always done so much for us!! The mindset and attitude blew my mind!
Glad for you that you are working through things, I would never accept less than anymore!

Little update

The legal situation has finally been filed and I should have a judgement within about 2 months. I took way too long to file it, my other solicitor was useless and in the end, a very smart and trusted friend rewrote it for me, so it’s gone.

Quite a journey you’ve been on these past months! How is he taking it? What is the likely/ hopeful outcome money and children split wise? How do you feel about it?

My husband is being more civil but is still doing his hobby 3 or 4 nights a week. And in the interests of disclosure, the “hobby” is actually getting a taxi to his mate’s pub, and chewing over whatever is on his mind there, have a few pints and cab home. He is still smoking heavily too. I’ve still got the DLA for my expenses but I have no other income. I’ve been very clear with him that when my financial situation is resolved, one way or another, that we will split up. He doesn’t fully believe that, and whilst he’s not as much of a twat to be as he has been in the past, it’s still there, under the surface.

I think he thinks that my finances will be sorted, I will pay him back, and we will continue as is. I had talked about going back to college, paid for out of my potential settlement, and he pointed out how expensive it was and anyway who would sort the kids out, so basically, no, it won’t happen. He still thinks he can make those decisions for me, and the only decisions that need to be made, should be made by him. We have talked again about how we would split and he just says that he isn’t going anywhere and I can leave but he will keep the kids and work from home.

I have also noticed and pointed out that he literally only chats to me when he’s heading out, because he doesn’t like to go out on a row.

What a controlling arse. My SHL told me not to worry too much about the courts as they have seen all this behaviour before. Especially with men with Big Jobs who suddenly think they can do 50/ 50 and also claim that their bonus is not guaranteed, the economy isn't doing well blah, blah, blah.

Keep fighting

We have talked again about how we would split and he just says that he isn’t going anywhere and I can leave but he will keep the kids and work from home.
Depressingly similar, except I’m not married so vulnerable. I think we can get caught in a back and forth of is it abusive etc - I know I have. I’ve been to women’s aid too. For me it’s just - our situation is not okay - let’s get out of it. Focus on that. Not analyzing their behaviour.