Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Of course if they did role-swap, OP wouldn't be such a selfish tightarse and would share her income nicely across the household. So he'd have the lack of responsibility of not working, the pleasure of fannying about making cupcakes (or whatever he thinks being a SAHP involves) and a decent personal spending fund and pension pot too! Win win win.

The reason he would never contemplate doing this - and the explanation for his current behaviour - is nothing to do with any misplaced sense of fairness, as itsgoodtobehome suggests - it is all about control of the money. Control is what he wants.

I have, what have I missed?

Everything, apparently.

Oh dear TatianaLarina your responses are so in-depth and inspiring, your contributions are quite amazing. Seriously, why are you bothering?

I could ask the same of you as your grasp of the situation is zero - but I really don’t care.

At least I am contributing to the discussion. You are just throwing out random comments which add no value to the thread at all.

You’re not, you’re just talking crap. And haven’t read my pps.

Why am I talking crap? Because I’m offering a different perspective to you? Is that how it works in your world? If someone says something that conflicts with your opinion, then they are talking crap

After so pages in, the likelihood you have a new unmentioned perspective is pretty small.

Cba, and don’t want to mess up OP’s thread.

Hi OP, I hope you are ok. Any improvements?

I hope you are ok

There does appear to be a dissonance between his debt and yours. It is family debt but he does not see it

Push ahead with getting this sorted

I actually just advance-searched to see if itsgoodtobehome is really my husband.

The update here is that he has settled my debt, in one go. All of it. I said to him I am pleased but I will never be as grateful as he thinks I should be because we should never have got into this situation.

He also said that if and when I do get a settlement he will want it back. So it’s a Lon of types. And he certainly doesn’t see it as family debt. As far as he is concerned this is absolutely my frivolous profligacy. But at least I haven’t got charges and returned payments all over the place and I can try to get straight again.

and what do you want to do now?

No, I’m not your husband. You still haven’t answered the question about how and when the decision was made for you to give up your job. How was it discussed, what was agreed, what financial arrangements did you both make? If you shed some light on that, it might make for a clearer picture.

itsgoodtobehome how is that relevant to a bill for his child to receive treatment?

If you shed some light on that, it might make for a clearer picture.

Do you not see the clear picture that in a committed relationship where you are rearing children with SEN together it isn't kind, nice or decent to treat someone the way this man has treated his wife (and the way you said you would do too)?

Get legal advice OP.
If you divorce him you will be SO much better off financially and emotionally.

The picture couldn’t really be clearer.

The reasons I stopped work are actually very outing, so I can’t go into it but suffice to say that it absolutely was NOT a choice and wasn’t part of any plan and I miss it.

One of the Children was rude to me last night - really contemptuous and disrespectful and I’ve noticed he does this more when DH is about. I said “are you going to let him speak to me like that?” after I’d dealt with him myself and DH said “that’s got nothing to do with me.” He said that in front of him so DS sat there smirking.

I can deal with the kids and have no worries per se about DSs behaviour generally, he’s just acting out this shite from his dad.

DH now that he settled that debt, was all up for a “cuddle.” I truly cannot fathom how he could imagine I would want anyone who values me so poorly.

I'm still aghast at the idea that a man - a father - would see a bill for his children's medical needs as nothing to do with him, and his wife's debt. Words pretty much fail me.

The man is foul.

If you split he'll have an almighty shock! I divorced after a similar length marriage but was in a well paid job although he was earning £30k more than me. On the grounds that my being the main child carer (based on me having a year of mat leave and then being part time for a couple of years) 'adversley affected my career' I got more than 50% of the equity in the house, a chunk of his pension, and could have had a nominal £1 maintenance order to protect against my income falling. I opted for a clean break but you'd get maintenance. Unless he had the kids 50% of the time he'd also have to pay child support.

I think he knows fine well that when (see what I did there, “when”) we divorce then he will be in a much much more difficult situation. So I predict he will make some cursory efforts to stay married. Not because he wants me, but because he doesn’t want change and to lose financial control.

I listened to Rosie Duffield’s speech yesterday about domestic abuse and thought “omg is that me?” He has roared and railed and sworn and name called. He has never been violent, but I’m aware that when he’s around, I’m on edge and I actively avoid being near him in the house.

I think he’s actually very weak and will attempt to maintain the status quo of him staying in the josie with the kids, as far as possible. He doesn’t appear to me to be strong enough to sort out his own life in a sensible responsible way, because he views abusing me, the mother of his kids, as being ok.

Absolutely OP

Strong men don't bully, abuse and financially control their wives.

Weak men do.

You are seeing him clearly.

He knows bloody well he's in the wrong.
He knows bloody well that a divorce will not suit him.

Motor on and get out of this terrible situation.
💐

I don’t think he will leave. And this is the children's home.
So I’m going to end up painted as the baddie either way, with the kids.

I need to work out exactly how to do this safely.
There was a thread ages ago about how to get everything in order before hand but I can’t find it.

[Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]