Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

I wonder if he has got himself into a financial mess which he has concealed from you.

Which does not excuse his behaviour btw.

Not RTFT entirely yet but why wouldn't you take half even if you did win your separate court case? You are entitled to what you contributed to make his life possible and to get him to the position he is in life. You may not have "worked" for cash, but you worked bloody hard for HIM and your shared children.
Also, re him saying you haven't contributed to the family finances over the years - he knows this is bullshit so don't waste your breath trying to explain it. He isn't stupid, but he is scared, so he is saying anything to gaslight you and put you back in your box and make you doubt your own worth - and make you doubt what a family court judge will see is fair!
Just divorce the prick and let him see just how tough you, and a lot of us women, can be when we need to be!
Good luck!!!

Nanny0gg - Not.A.Chance.

I'm glad he is worried- he should be!! All very well making promises but he needs to put his money where his mouth is.

Of course it's about control rather than money! What he has been doing to you is financial abuse.

It seems a bit ominous that he's continuing to talk about "your debt" and doing all of this fibbing about having to borrow. Do you think he's capable of change?

It makes me so mad. I'd be tempted to add up your contribution to the household at an hourly rate and invoice him retrospectively!!! (Ok, I wouldn't really. But what you do is so valuable and it's like a kick in the teeth to have it totally unappreciated).

@Suewiththeredford Very sorry, I may have mixed up threads in my head. Apologies for the confusion.

It’s alright. I get confused and it’s my life!

He is a controlling emotionally abusive ass. The fact your children are parroting his bs says it all. You shouldn’t be going into debt for basics like medical appts while he live it up!!! You are caring for your joint children😡.

Re shopping, he won’t even let the person who does all the cooking do a list! Shops for crap and unhealthy foods. One semi-ok shop doesn’t make up for years of controlling bullshit. He should watch the kids and let you shop at your leisure!!!

It makes sense to me for you to settle your legal suit after the divorce so all the money goes to you. What does your lawyer say?

I know the thread has moved on. But the answer to your original question is - because it suits him to do so. No more, no less and no logic. That's all there is to it.

Yes. That really is the only explanation. I’m still trying to get my head around the cognitive dissonance. I think I may have projected a lot of good stuff on to him that, based on behaviour, simply isn’t there.

It actually sounds like he has some weird mental hang-up about money. Not that that excuses anything. But it's odd. You're sharing your lives (and your children's lives) together. So why not money?

No he doesn't he's just a standard predictable abuser. He just happens to have a particular leaning towards financial abuse which is presumably all too easy when you're the sole earner and your partner is a SAHP.

Ok. So you asked the question ‘why does my dh think like this’. Now I’m not saying that this is a correct way of thinking, but here is your answer:

When you first met, you were both in good jobs with a good career ahead of you, presumably both earning good money. You had children. You gave up your job (it’s still not clear from this thread how this was agreed, and for how long). Suddenly all that financial burden is on him. Your income literally halves. It’s a lot of pressure on one person. Yes, you argue that your role of staying at home for the kids is equally as important, but it doesn’t bring in any income. And let’s face it, staying at home, doing school run, keeping the house in order is NOT the same as going out to work and facing the daily pressure of bosses, colleagues, clients etc. It really isn’t.

So there OP is your answer. Your DH feels that it is unfair that he shoulders the full burden of being the sole breadwinner. I have no idea what arrangements you agreed or discussed about you not working, but he clearly does not agree with them. Quite frankly if I was in his position, I would feel the same.

Harsh answer I know, but probably true.

RTFT love.

I have, what have I missed?

@itsgoodtobehome your perception failed to notice that he is a controlling arse

But is he? Or is he someone that feels he has had an unfair ride because he is the only one that brings any money into the household?

Look, I’m not saying his behaviour is justified, I’m just saying why a person might feel like that. If my DH and I had started our relationship as equal financial contributors, and then he decided to not work anymore and it was all down to me, I would be pretty fed up about the whole thing, and may react with some similar behaviours.

And let’s face it, staying at home, doing school run, keeping the house in order is NOT the same as...

It's NOT the same as caring for three DCs two of whom have serious SEN!!! That is one thing it is NOT the same as!

Then there's coping with the financially abusive arse of a husband.

Zero for reading comprehension and zero for emotional intelligence itsgoodtobehome

'Deciding not to work any more' and 'having three DCs, two with serious SEN, who require care' are two rather different things, don't you think? Any idea how expensive that care would be if outsourced?

Zero for reading comprehension and zero for emotional intelligence itsgoodtobehome

I actually think you have completely missed the point there. The OP asked the question: Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

I have made an attempt at answering exactly that question. You may not like the answer, but I suggest that I am pretty spot on.

I actually think that answering the question in this way shows more emotional intelligence than hurling insults to answer the question which is what every other post seems to have done

If that was the DH's way of thinking, he should have had a vasectomy.

There's no suggestion that he did not choose to have children.

Children cost money.

The level of idiocy necessary to believe that you can have three children (even without the SEN) at no cost to a two-job household income, is not compatible with attaining a job - pretty much any job, never mind a high earning one.

Therefore it not possible that he believes this. He might have adopted something like this as his position - because he's a very, very selfish, abusive man who cares nothing for his wife and children and wants to have his cake and eat it - but he does not believe it.

And there is clearly enough money to go around..

If op went back to work and was on an equal footing financially who would take care of her children with sen? Care isn't cheap and they would likely end up paying out an awful lot for that perhaps leaving them financially worse off. Also financially is only one way of contributing in a relationship. Op is contributing in so many ways that her husband should realise.

Following your logic of course, the DH and DW should role-swap.

Then she can 'shoulder the burden' of bringing in all the money and he can stay at home 'doing school run, keeping the house in order ' (while incidentally doing all the care for three DCs, two with SEN and having the pleasure of paying for that and his own needs out of thin air).

I can't think why he wouldn't have volunteered for such an easy ride. Can you?

I suggest you make plans to pop out for a couple of long, looong days very soon.

Let him know quite casually that he's going to have to arrange all the DC stuff, oh and either be there or hire someone.

When he explodes, look blank and say 'Well it's neither here nor there really - as you say, useful but hardly rocket science or essential... why, is there now suddenly a problem?'