Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

You are slowly but surely coming round to the realisation that he is an abuser. Good for you for taking steps to get out. The thing about your children parroting his unpleasant lines about you is just heartbreaking.

Blimey. I thought my XH was bad, but your H is awful.

MY XH used to say that he respected the job I did at home, but his actions said otherwise. One of the first things he said after I said I was done was that I'd done very well out of him (he was talking about money of course).

He won't accept that I had anything to do with his success at work, despite me pointing out that 13 years he hadn't had to wash or iron a shirt, do any housework, take care of the DIY, the cars... He never had to leave work early to pick up DS2 from school, take a day off if ds2 was sick/had an appointment- and he managed to triple his salary in the time we were together.

I have a theory that some men in Big Important Jobs are a bit like celebrities- they start believing all the praise that's heaped upon them at work, and the fact that everyone listens to them and doesn't question their actions, until they believe that they are almost Godlike.

Looking back I see now that he was always arrogant (I saw it as confident!) and even now won't admit to any failure or weakness on his part.

Even so, as bad as he was/is, he's not a patch on your foul H. Well done on starting on the road to getting rid of him.

God.. Some men really should be labelled 'The Unfuckable'... Just, zero appeal. They'd kill attraction stone dead. Good luck OP hope you stand up to him and his boring nonsense.

Try if at all possible to keep track of any 'siphoning off' of resources. This happened to a friend of mine. Her husband had an affair, my friend said she divorce him, then he was massively apologetic and asked for them to try again. 3 years later her very comfortably off husband had no assets to be found and she was left with almost nothing for her and the kids to live on.

Serious question-why do all you smart&capable women bother?Honestly..i left a similar twat under similar circumstances 14yrs ago when DC were in nappies&never looked back-DC are happy,well adjusted teens.I made the conscious decision to go it alone &question the sanity of long term relationships/marriage etc.There are so few examples of people in long term relationships leading emotionally healthy or even happy lives day2day within these relationships.

Financial albatross around his neck

Eh? So you agreed to have children, agreed how you were going to do it and now somehow that has led to him think you're draining him of his hard earned cash? Have you suggested you go back to your Big Important Job so he doesn't have to suffer the burden? He can then do the easy peasy jobs you do, you will be more generous with YOUR cash and everyone will be happy! Or perhaps you could both work and thus have plenty of money for full time, wraparound childcare. I imagine he'll be thrilled at how much he saves!

If you’re a financial albatross then he’s an emotional albatross. Get rid of that big ungainly bird!!!

Sorry no time to read the thread but read Liberating Motherhood by Vanessa Olrenshaw. This will help you put everything into perspective.

This man does not regard himself as part of your family. He has no sense of responsibility to your children or to you. To let the situation with your DC's medical bill get to the stage of CCJ papers clearly demonstrates that. And as for accusing you of being a thief because you were desperately looking for something to sell....You need to start telling family and friends about these incidents so they understand what he is really like, and will support you through the divorce.

Keep a record of everything, dates, times, what he said etc. It will be useful if you eventually decide to have him charged with coercive control (which is what his behaviour is).

Whether OP works or not is irrelevant. You can bet your last pound that if she got a job and arranged childcare, the funding would be solely out of her salary. Because they are “her” children. Some sort of miraculous conception here where the husband seems to think he has literally no part to play in the existence of his dc! Stay strong OP, head down, box clever and look to a brighter future without him.

His behaviour is outrageous. Keep getting mad OP and don’t stop til he’s your ex.

When you became a SAHM did you both agree to it, and was there any discussion about how long it would be for? I’m just wondering whether he sees it as something that you decided, or whether he didn’t expect it to be for so long.

They have 2 SEN kids, whatever expectation he had originally went out the window when they were diagnosed.

It's called patriarchy, OP x

Just got to the bit about the kids repeating stuff- that is bad and that' attitudes towards you and maybe women in general they risk keeping for life. Stay strong, you can do it. xxx

I put up with it for years and have been free for nearly two. The children and I are far happier. The only thing I hate is that he still has a little control over money in the form of maintenance but I have no choice but to accept that.

God. I'm 40 years out of this, it still has huge effects on my mental health. I wish I'd told him to fuck off the first time he did abusive stuff. Unfortunately I didn't then know and I married him. Thank got we had no living children. I divorced him and happily married a decent human man.

How are you getting on @Suewiththeredford ? Is he living up to his promise to clear your debt?

Morning! He looks grey with worry to be honest, and went out to do the shop (which we didn’t need) and had clearly listened to all my moans previously about buying crap because he bought ingredients instead. Asked him when he would be clearing the debt and he said it “takes time to borrow that amount of money.”

You could offer to sit down with him and work through the accounts? Afterall, it's not fair that all the financial work falls to him, and it would be sensible for you both to have an understanding of your financial situation.

(...and why would he need to borrow £3k when he's had windfalls of £500k in the past? I could understand needing to sell shares or something, but to 'borrow' £3k? That sounds like exchanging one lot of debt for another. I'm very confused by his financial situation. Is his business doing as well as he's led you to believe?)

Where has £3k and £500k come from?

Do you believe that he's telling the truth about having to borrow the money?

I really don’t know. I have no idea what investments he has - I know there are shares and other accounts etc.

And I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about money and he just won’t, it ends up in a huge rant from him. He’s admitted that.
And every other conversation that we have ends up with him bringing it around to money and how hard he works and he’s the breadwinner and what we can’t afford ad Infinitum. We could win the rollover euromillions and he would still worry and want to control it all.

want to control it all That's it right there op. dress it up much as you like; look for reasons, excuses, it all comes down to those five words.